Venting illicit diaries - entry one - a full week of no contact + a new family

[exiled]

trigger warning: mentions sexual abuse + physical violence

hi i'm illicit.
i'm really thankful for ss because it's one of the few places i feel seen, heard, and understood.
i thought it might just be helpful for me to throw some of my venting over here. daily, weekly, or whatever feels right.
i need a place where the support feels exponential, and this is one of the few places i can get it.
even if you don't have the mental space to respond, or fully read this, just knowing it's out there and posted might help me feel like i've gotten it off my chest to some degree.

i'm one week no contact with my family of origin. i'm 28. i never, ever thought that this day would come. i'm a survivor of sex trafficking, physical violence, and severe illness likely caused by trauma stored in my body (liver disease, cancer, etc.)

i've never gone more than three hours without talking to my abusive father. never lived away from him (until i moved out about a year ago, but i only moved ten mins away from them. that was the scariest thing i'd ever done. they wanted to kill me at just the suggestion that i wanted to move out - so this was a huge deal).

my parents have decided to punish me for the move, and decided to leave me and move across the country to be with my brother (who was/is also a primary abuser of mine). they never taught me anything in life, how to function with independence, how to be. i was basically living in a prison cell when i was with them.

i don't know how to live.
i cannot believe i am one week no contact. i was TERRIFIED just to go a few hours without calling my dad, and now he doesn't even have my phone number and he is across the map.

i don't really know how to feel; most people don't understand the big deal with this. but my extreme stockholm syndrome, cptsd, and guilt are taking over. it's leading me down a path of intense suicidal thoughts. intense moments of suffering. intense moments of feeling alone.

but i am grateful. a family at church has offered for me to break my apartment lease and move in with them. i took it. i said yes. my dog and i live here now as of this weekend, and i'm taking a huge leap of faith here. trusting that there are people in this world that won't hurt me (i've not quite experienced this before). i have a family for the first time.

they're teaching me how to cook, how to do laundry, how to do basic life tasks that i never had the opportunity to do. my parents never even let me go get my own glass of water from the kitchen; my existence was simply to be a victim to them and their abuse. be sexualized when they felt like it, be locked in a room when they wanted. being held up against the wall at knife point if i was just a kid doing kid things. to have dinner with a family every night that is helping me out of the goodness of their own heart feels so unnatural. something i am endlessly thankful for.

so then how come i still want to kill myself?

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

trigger warning: mentions sexual abuse + physical violence

hi i'm illicit.
i'm really thankful for ss because it's one of the few places i feel seen, heard, and understood.
i thought it might just be helpful for me to throw some of my venting over here. daily, weekly, or whatever feels right.
i need a place where the support feels exponential, and this is one of the few places i can get it.
even if you don't have the mental space to respond, or fully read this, just knowing it's out there and posted might help me feel like i've gotten it off my chest to some degree.

i'm one week no contact with my family of origin. i'm 28. i never, ever thought that this day would come. i'm a survivor of sex trafficking, physical violence, and severe illness likely caused by trauma stored in my body (liver disease, cancer, etc.)

i've never gone more than three hours without talking to my abusive father. never lived away from him (until i moved out about a year ago, but i only moved ten mins away from them. that was the scariest thing i'd ever done. they wanted to kill me at just the suggestion that i wanted to move out - so this was a huge deal).

my parents have decided to punish me for the move, and decided to leave me and move across the country to be with my brother (who was/is also a primary abuser of mine). they never taught me anything in life, how to function with independence, how to be. i was basically living in a prison cell when i was with them.

i don't know how to live.
i cannot believe i am one week no contact. i was TERRIFIED just to go a few hours without calling my dad, and now he doesn't even have my phone number and he is across the map.

i don't really know how to feel; most people don't understand the big deal with this. but my extreme stockholm syndrome, cptsd, and guilt are taking over. it's leading me down a path of intense suicidal thoughts. intense moments of suffering. intense moments of feeling alone.

but i am grateful. a family at church has offered for me to break my apartment lease and move in with them. i took it. i said yes. my dog and i live here now as of this weekend, and i'm taking a huge leap of faith here. trusting that there are people in this world that won't hurt me (i've not quite experienced this before). i have a family for the first time.

they're teaching me how to cook, how to do laundry, how to do basic life tasks that i never had the opportunity to do. my parents never even let me go get my own glass of water from the kitchen; my existence was simply to be a victim to them and their abuse. be sexualized when they felt like it, be locked in a room when they wanted. being held up against the wall at knife point if i was just a kid doing kid things. to have dinner with a family every night that is helping me out of the goodness of their own heart feels so unnatural. something i am endlessly thankful for.

so then how come i still want to kill myself?

Wow! Its a very impactful story, you are surely a brave woman!

Try to leave this horrific past behind and embrace this new life. Life can be beautiful - and i can see that it will be for you.
Wish you luck!

 

[exiled]

Wow! Its a very impactful story, you are surely a brave woman!

Try to leave this horrific past behind and embrace this new life. Life can be beautiful - and i can see that it will be for you.
Wish you luck!

thank you so much, that really means a lot to me. it's been a huge struggle and i'm fighting for air every millisecond it seems. i just want it to stop hurting. no one seems to understand.

 

[Guy Smiley]

Hello, I'm very sorry that you've had such a horrible upbringing/life. Having a toxic, abusive family is the worst. I truly believe that this is the most harmful thing that a person can endure. I think it's one of the most common reasons for mental illness and suicidality. It's such a cruel aspect of life that we have no control or say over which family we're born into, and yet that is probably the most important factor out of all the various factors that determine and shape the course our lives take and our outcomes. Nobody deserves to be born into a toxic, abusive family. Parents are supposed to nurture, be a foundation and a support structure for their children and help them to grow up to be as happy and healthy as possible. Yet for so many people, through absolutely no fault of their own, the parents they get do the exact opposite, or at least do more harm than good. It's so incredibly disadvantageous and unfair. I think it's maybe the worst thing about human existence.

I'm very happy to hear about your new family. They sound like kind, loving, generous people, and I hope that is indeed what they are. You so much deserve it.

To answer your question about why you still want to kill yourself, I think it's totally understandable. You've endured 28 years--your entire life--of horrible abuse. The harm that this has done and the pain it causes isn't going to just go away, even with love and support from a new family. It may never go away completely. But with time, it is possible to heal and overcome it. It won't be easy. It takes a lot of effort, which I'm sure you know can be really challenging to do when one is greatly suffering. It also takes being kind to yourself. To be kind to one's self, one first needs to realize (and then keep reminding themself) that absolutely none of the abuse they experienced is their fault whatsoever.

I wish you all the best and everything you deserve

 

[_L_]

I can't say that I know what you been through but one thing I know for sure: I'm quite familiar with pain and suffering. And that makes me feel empathetic about your story. All I can say is: I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this by yourself. And if no one has ever said it, I will: As a fellow human being in pain, I love you. Be safe.
Jimmy.