Venting ill never understand

[violetforever]

have you ever known someone and had to let them go because of their own problems? and now they have just fully descended into somebody you dont recognize? its so terrifying. im so terrified. what do i do if anything? i want to reach out and be there for him. im afraid he is so far gone that it will mean nothing. maybe i mean nothing to him now. i dont know why i still care so much after nearly 2 years. maybe because he was my first and only love. maybe because it keeps my childhood trauma wounds open. i try to forget about him but sometimes i find myself not able to fight the feeling to secretly pry. it ends so badly for me. my stomach instantly drops and becomes nauseous and i shake with anxiety. the shock i felt delayed my crying for a while this time until it just finally set in. i cant live with it. i cant bear knowing he has gotten so worse off than when we were in contact. i just want to ask what in the world happened and has become of him. i dont believe anybody can get through to him. i dont know why i believe i can make a difference when there are much more important people in his life who clearly cant do the same either. he is both everything i love and fear. love has proved useless. they say its so powerful and can fix all and yet my own only left me broken while not making any positive change in him. i can only make peace with this through death like every other reason i want to end my life for. i want to try to speak with him once before im gone but maybe its safer to keep my distance. i cant live to see someone i love destroy themselves and their life. all of the things i wanted in life but could never have and will never have, he can have or has them already and doesnt appreciate them. maybe thats what bothers and attaches me.

 

[violetforever]

i reached out to him the same day i posted this thread and we are talking again i guess. unsurprisingly i am still suicidal. for a moment i felt hope for life hearing his voice again and talking to him like no time had passed. it came and went with everything else. not even having him back in my life changes anything. i guess because he is still worse off and doesnt really love me. not looking to change either. he doesnt love anyone though, not even himself. i suffer with or without him so it might as well be with him until i kill myself. theres no reality i can be happy in or even tolerate anymore. nothing and no one. i have to keep reminding myself.