Let me preface this with saying that, I still haven't found the right method and time to do what I need for myself. I'm currently jobless, broke, and 'noticeably' depressed.
I hate it, because, I don't want to end things while my life seems miserable. If I end things now, everyone's going to assume they could have done something. 'They could have been there for me more. They could have given me a job or money. Oh, I should forced her to do therapy.' I don't want them to think they could have have stopped me. I don't want to keep existing for the sake of my loved ones. I don't think suicide is selfish, but mine will be. I've tried so hard for so long, trying to be optimistic, a dreamer, or whatever the hell else they want me to be.
My life isn't devoid of happiness. Joblessness and being broke aside, I'm very lucky and blessed to have so many people that love me. Financially, we're not rich, but I'm aware that I'm privileged. It's the pain, that dull ache, that's more often grey, but also tends to be so dark black. Even at my happiest, even at my "peak" or my "best," I'll always want to just check out. Nothing makes it go away. It's always there. They'll never accept it because "life is a gift."
Sometimes I wish they could see, just so they could understand. But I know that's never going to happen. I wish I could end it all now, but without my own money, it's unlikely. I know my passing will hurt them, I just wanna do everything I can to lessen it. I don't want anyone to find my all gory and lifeless. I don't know what the point of this post is anymore, but yeah.
Fuck this shit,
I hate it, because, I don't want to end things while my life seems miserable. If I end things now, everyone's going to assume they could have done something. 'They could have been there for me more. They could have given me a job or money. Oh, I should forced her to do therapy.' I don't want them to think they could have have stopped me. I don't want to keep existing for the sake of my loved ones. I don't think suicide is selfish, but mine will be. I've tried so hard for so long, trying to be optimistic, a dreamer, or whatever the hell else they want me to be.
My life isn't devoid of happiness. Joblessness and being broke aside, I'm very lucky and blessed to have so many people that love me. Financially, we're not rich, but I'm aware that I'm privileged. It's the pain, that dull ache, that's more often grey, but also tends to be so dark black. Even at my happiest, even at my "peak" or my "best," I'll always want to just check out. Nothing makes it go away. It's always there. They'll never accept it because "life is a gift."
Sometimes I wish they could see, just so they could understand. But I know that's never going to happen. I wish I could end it all now, but without my own money, it's unlikely. I know my passing will hurt them, I just wanna do everything I can to lessen it. I don't want anyone to find my all gory and lifeless. I don't know what the point of this post is anymore, but yeah.
Fuck this shit,
