Venting i'll just kill myself next week... or the week after...

[ctbcat]

hahaha i feel kind of ashamed all my vents surround this these days...

it's nearly been a month since i was meant to be dead - 24th february. each week comes with a new deadline since, or just a designated day to buy rope, prep, do SOMETHING..... i get no further than i was the week before.

i can't believe it... i can't believe any of it...

everything is 'too much work'... even killing myself?

... i need to die, so why can't i do it? it's not even survival instinct, i'm just fucking lazy... lazylazylazy...

i can't live in this body, this life, i can't look to the future that closes in on me, that kicks me into the corner of some shoddy alleyway... and yet i do

my clock is ticking. i need to go before my life is irrepairable

 

[jellie]

I understand what you mean. I feel the same way sometimes. like living is so exhausting to the point where i dont even have the energy to do something about it and kill myself.

our time will come to CTB and it will be right. a day is just a day so there is no shame in having missed the day when you were supposed to CTB as I am assuming that it was just a random day that you picked (I could be wrong about this though and apologies if i am). the future is a scary thing.

sometimes it is easier to prepare things that you can do at home, like writing a note. thats what I have done so far at least... but yeah. everything is exhausting.

 

[uwufox777]

hahaha i feel kind of ashamed all my vents surround this these days...

it's nearly been a month since i was meant to be dead - 24th february. each week comes with a new deadline since, or just a designated day to buy rope, prep, do SOMETHING..... i get no further than i was the week before.

i can't believe it... i can't believe any of it...

everything is 'too much work'... even killing myself?

... i need to die, so why can't i do it? it's not even survival instinct, i'm just fucking lazy... lazylazylazy...

i can't live in this body, this life, i can't look to the future that closes in on me, that kicks me into the corner of some shoddy alleyway... and yet i do

my clock is ticking. i need to go before my life is irrepairable

I completely relate to that "laziness" getting in the way.. It indeed feels like "too much work", and I wish I had something similar to N or SN to just down and be done with it all. I'm so sorry that you feel the same way that I do.

 

[Rumi]

You shouldn't feel ashamed CTB, is a difficult thing to do; there is no quick and easy method.

When you're at your lowest, you're unlikely to attempt anything because of how little energy or drive there is pushing you to do anything. It's when you begin to improve somewhat that planning to CTB actually becomes plausible, because you have more time, are better organized, more motivated and have more money. It's paradoxical, but you have to actually recover somewhat before you attempt to CTB.

 

[UKscotty]

Setting deadlines just sets us up for a feeling of failure.

Most of us can't even keep to a deadline to go bed on time or start a diet. Let alone literally or figuratively hang ourselves.

Be gentle on yourself. When you are ready, you will be ready. Building up to something is just added stress and anxiety.

 

[Ash]

It's a massive decision and I'm not surprised that so many of us go to and fro. Nothing - absolutely nothing - to feel ashamed about. Xx