Ill be gone within a day

[sadman710]

Right now I'm getting extremely drunk and high on loads of kratom. I'm only 3-4 shots deep but have downed 16 grams of kratom. When my body is numb I'm putting it through a noose hoping to never wake up again. If I wake up and it fails, I'm driving to a bridge and jumping. I'm so done with this fucked up world. The first thing I've done is since waking up and going to bed last night is trying to CTB. I woke up with cornhole bags and a rope around my neck this morning, but still alive. First thing i did between making phone calls was find places to tie a rope but they were no good. I took my time earlier to tie something that is guaranteed to block my carotids. I thought of jumping but I'm too sweet to traumatize anyone and clean up the mess. I'll save that for the ocean if tonight fails. Fuck this shit earth. The system and politicians have resources to care for us, but they don't. Consequently that carries onto this society. Just like some here CTB, this world has the choice to change. But they dont. The grand majority just keeps going along, doubling down. I think the world has lost its drive for new and better things and has reached a point where they just continue and make excuses for all the bad elements, no matter how cancerous or archaic. Humans arent meant for this level of technology to accomodate. I did all the right things, but it didn't matter. I'm not perfect but my direction was better than most. I don't want to live in a place like this.

I only have one way of continuing. I think most of us deep down want to continue. We don't because of the things I bitched about. We are already contemplating death, so what are we scared of? I think the only way is if we really band together to go against this system and completely attempt to revolutionize it. If we die in the process, we already don't care. But I think we should band together in a way that supports each other and doesn't harm others to make a system to use the resources in the world to build up others who are struggling . It has nothing to do with socialism or whatever. This is something on a much deeper level. Some people live a life of pro capitalism but circumstances come their way where they wind up here. We need to not let this happen. We need to change the way we treat humans. Otherwise we are bound to reach hell, out of pure fate. We are at a place in time this doesn't need to happen. We spend money on so much shit that involves destruction, but so little on the betterment and love of others. That is the reason this place is dying and has so many problems. I think most of us feel abandoned and misunderstood.

If anyone can here can really make a dedication to this, I may consider just waiting it out. I'm at the end of my rope. I'll take whatever stress comes my way if we can really dedicate ourselves to make this place better. It wouldn't take many. It doesnt have to be like this.

I'm saying this because I'm at the bitter end, and I think the lack of empathy in this modern world and the emptiness is what killed me. Instead of people like us banding together, we go one by one silently into the night. We have so much SI, but if we really get to the point of CTB, I think we can have the balls of really taking the risk of changing this hellhole.

I've failed so many times I may fail tonight and SI with jumping tomorrow. I'm still continuing. Still being realistic
But whatever happens this is what I really wish for. I can't stand the REAL evil this place has taken a turn for, despite how "far" we've developed. We are not unique. If the collective society doesn't change the way it conducts itself, we are facing a much uglier scenario with all of humanity, that makes CTB seem like a walk in the park.

Yes I'm buzzed but sometimes things come out when you're uninhibited. You may disagree, but I think most here reach this point because they feel pushed into a corner. I know I'm not unique.

Let's really support each other, or die separately. Doing this will mean making changes within ourselves too. I think this community is large enough to do that.

Let me know your thoughts. I may not be sober, you may not agree, i may not have the best ideas, but at least understand my intent. This is what is in my heart at the end of my life.

 

[LunarCharm]

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much suffering, friend.
and I honestly agree in that we do need to be treating others better, so many people fall down this rabbit hole of feeling the need to CTB simply because of the way they're treated.
I know for sure that it was the beginning cause of a good majority of my issues.

I'm not really sure how standing up against all of that as a group like you said would work, though.
Personally I do my best to make a difference in as many people's lives (in my irl circle) as possible; through gift giving, kind words, etc.
I honestly couldn't fathom being mean to someone when they simply haven't done anything deserving of that.
I'm not sure if it's possible to change the world, we are unfortunately divided by our differences because so many people out there refuse to see past them.
I don't know if there is any changing that, maybe in the future the world will be more kind-hearted.
But I just don't know if I can really truly believe in that.

 

[sadman710]

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much suffering, friend.
and I honestly agree in that we do need to be treating others better, so many people fall down this rabbit hole of feeling the need to CTB simply because of the way they're treated.
I know for sure that it was the beginning cause of a good majority of my issues.

I'm not really sure how standing up against all of that as a group like you said would work, though.
Personally I do my best to make a difference in as many people's lives (in my irl circle) as possible; through gift giving, kind words, etc.
I honestly couldn't fathom being mean to someone when they simply haven't done anything deserving of that.
I'm not sure if it's possible to change the world, we are unfortunately divided by our differences because so many people out there refuse to see past them.
I don't know if there is any changing that, maybe in the future the world will be more kind-hearted.
But I just don't know if I can really truly believe in that.

I hate that I'm going out like this. Everyone knew me a year ago as someone who could take a bullet and move on without flinching. The pain of losing hope in humanity and society is what has killed me. I just figure if we can reach these extremes of harming ourselves, we can reach extremes of dedicating to grow people like us and fight for real changes. We are already not scared of death, so what else is scary?

The truth is it wouldn't take many of us to forward a change. Deep down humans want connectivity and support. We die without it, and that's why so many of us are dying. Look at all the posts here of people who feel the same way.

We have to look beyond superficial divisions and our egos and stick to one simple goal. To care about each other. Most on here express feelings of the opposite.

This system doubled down on division. People who read this forum get angry at it, but they need to realize it is a symptom rather than a root and redirect their anger.

The change is within ourselves and getting together.

Think about it. What do you have to lose? You're already likely contemplating death. What else matters after that?

If I had a network that supported me, unconditionally, and we put our bullshit to the side, I wouldn't care if I went poor, was in extreme pain, went to jail, got beat up, or anything else. Because I know I had people fighting for me, no matter what happened.

That is what makes people get to this point.

I never had any substance problem. Addiction is a lie. It is a symptom of lost hope and poor support. As soon as I lost hope, I went from not being able to tolerate 3 or 4 drinks except once or twice a year to downing a whole fifth within the last few months and going against the idea that I'm bullet proof against self harm no matter what.

Take a drink, get high, take your meds, get relaxed, get uninhibited. Think to yourself what would it really take in this system to not CTB. That should be the ultimate goal. Forget ourselves, humanity, animals, and the whole planet are on the way out because of our mindset. That is the ultimate evil and that should be what everyone who calls themselves a man fights against
Who are we if we destroy everything and take it down with us for all we have got? If we don't matter as individuals, that is far greater than us.

 

[LunarCharm]

I hate that I'm going out like this. Everyone knew me a year ago as someone who could take a bullet and move on without flinching.

I understand exactly how you feel, everyone in my life has told me similar things before about that kind of strength.

The pain of losing hope in humanity and society is what has killed me. I just figure if we can reach these extremes of harming ourselves, we can reach extremes of dedicating to grow people like us and fight for real changes. We are already not scared of death, so what else is scary?

I also understand what you mean here; I do believe we can reach extremes in fighting for real change (we see examples of this in so many protests and activists). I honestly do see it as something I would want to do, if not technically already am doing it simply by promoting being a good person by treating others the way I want to be treated.

The truth is it wouldn't take many of us to forward a change. Deep down humans want connectivity and support. We die without it, and that's why so many of us are dying. Look at all the posts here of people who feel the same way.

you're right, we all want connection, and we need it to survive.

We have to look beyond superficial divisions and our egos and stick to one simple goal. To care about each other. Most on here express feelings of the opposite.

I wish this was a priority to the majority of people.

This system doubled down on division. People who read this forum get angry at it, but they need to realize it is a symptom rather than a root and redirect their anger.

^^ I agree with this as well! They see this forum and choose to blame suicides on the users simply being a safe space of sorts for the person, instead of blaming the issues that the person who CTB-ed likely stated in posts on the forum. It's a symptom of the problem, not the cause.

The change is within ourselves and getting together.

I agree here too.

Think about it. What do you have to lose? You're already likely contemplating death. What else matters after that?

I don't have much of anything to lose, you are correct

If I had a network that supported me, unconditionally, and we put our bullshit to the side, I wouldn't care if I went poor, was in extreme pain, went to jail, got beat up, or anything else. Because I know I had people fighting for me, no matter what happened.

I feel the same way.

That is what makes people get to this point.

I never had any substance problem. Addiction is a lie. It is a symptom of lost hope and poor support. As soon as I lost hope, I went from not being able to tolerate 3 or 4 drinks except once or twice a year to downing a whole fifth within the last few months and going against the idea that I'm bullet proof against self harm no matter what.

^^ I also have no had addictions until feeling more and more depressed. It's a sense of control for me I think.

 

[sserafim]

Fuck capitalism! Capitalism is evil. Sometimes I wish that the system would be completely destroyed and totally annihilated, and that a new and better one would take its place. Society needs to be rebuilt from the bottom up. I think that this can only happen in a post apocalyptic scenario. The whole system needs to be burned down to the ground, and then the phoenix will rise from the ashes of the old world

 

[sadman710]

I understand exactly how you feel, everyone in my life has told me similar things before about that kind of strength.

I also understand what you mean here; I do believe we can reach extremes in fighting for real change (we see examples of this in so many protests and activists). I honestly do see it as something I would want to do, if not technically already am doing it simply by promoting being a good person by treating others the way I want to be treated.

you're right, we all want connection, and we need it to survive.

I wish this was a priority to the majority of people.

^^ I agree with this as well! They see this forum and choose to blame suicides on the users simply being a safe space of sorts for the person, instead of blaming the issues that the person who CTB-ed likely stated in posts on the forum. It's a symptom of the problem, not the cause.

I agree here too.

I don't have much of anything to lose, you are correct

I feel the same way.

^^ I also have no had addictions until feeling more and more depressed. It's a sense of control for me I think.

Think about this. You feel, on a sole individual level, "gee I try to help and connect, but how much power do I have alone"? And then from the stress of daily life, you feel tired, lacking enough resources, distracted.

Think if just 10 people did this. No 100. No a thousand. No 1 million.

Even a tiny percentage of society doing this would reroute it. Because deep down that is what people want. That's why drugs like mdma and psychedelics are attractive to so many, because that is how our brains ultimately want to live. And we are living in the opposite fashion, a dopamine centered high, in a technological society, exacerbating it.

I say with the way it is now, take everything away from me, incarcerate me, stab me, give me the death penalty. I don't care if I have a billion dollars. I already have more money than most people. I just don't want to live like this anymore.

Fuck capitalism! Capitalism is evil. Sometimes I wish that the system would be destroyed/annihilated and that a new and better one would be built in its place. I think that this can only happen in a post apocalyptic scenario. The whole system needs to burn down to the ground, and the phoenix will rise from the ashes of the old world

I may agree with you but I'm not trying to put old idealism into the thread. Because people will have their ideas and argue the other way is bad. I am fighting for a change of mindset at a social level. I think it can actually work because our neurons crave it, and that is what makes people lose it. Whatever else comes after that is the natural change.

Think about this. You could have any system and have it be despotic or total freedom, it's all humanity's mindset. You could have an evil neocon running a capitalist system, or you could have someone like Ron Paul. You could have an evil communist dictator running a socialist system, or a place that simply uplifts their people. That's what ive realized about these systems. It has nothing to do in regards to success with the underlying idea. It's the underlying society. And that is why America is decaying so rapidly. It's the same system, but it's the change of mindset. And the shitty actions are catching up and people aren't changing them.

 

[LunarCharm]

Think about this. You feel, on a sole individual level, "gee I try to help and connect, but how much power do I have alone"? And then from the stress of daily life, you feel tired, lacking enough resources, distracted.

Think if just 10 people did this. No 100. No a thousand. No 1 million.

Even a tiny percentage of society doing this would reroute it. Because deep down that is what people want. That's why drugs like mdma and psychedelics are attractive to so many, because that is how our brains ultimately want to live. And we are living in the opposite fashion, a dopamine centered high, in a technological society, exacerbating it.

I say with the way it is now, take everything away from me, incarcerate me, stab me, give me the death penalty. I don't care if I have a billion dollars. I already have more money than most people. I just don't want to live like this anymore.

I see exactly what you mean, and I agree wholeheartedly.
deep down the system is the cause, the way everyone treats each other.

if you don't successfully CTB this time around, my PMs on here are always open if you need someone to talk to/simply want someone to conversate with. I could use the company that's for sure, haha.
and if you do successfully CTB, I hope that it gives you the peace you hope for, friend

 

[sadman710]

I see exactly what you mean, and I agree wholeheartedly.
deep down the system is the cause, the way everyone treats each other.

if you don't successfully CTB this time around, my PMs on here are always open if you need someone to talk to/simply want someone to conversate with. I could use the company that's for sure, haha.
and if you do successfully CTB, I hope that it gives you the peace you hope for, friend

One simple fact that popped into my head. Think of Norways prison system vs everyone else's. They are the most successful, yet the most understanding on a scientific level. Their recidivism rate is also the lowest. It's because they treat people like they are people, and give them the tools to get on their feet. In USA people join gangs and destroy themselves for the most part in jail, or come out very mentally disturbed. The recidivism is 8-9X higher. Same as the mental health system. No one gets better if they arent treated in a way to make them not want to CTB. Most people who go wind up termporarily doped up and feel strong CTB and low SI. This makes people scared to reach out in the first place - theyre already traumatized. It's things like this, that show its face on the collective level, that reflect our decay in society.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hope you find peace soon regardless of what happens

 

[LunarCharm]

One simple fact that popped into my head. Think of Norways prison system vs everyone else's. They are the most successful, yet the most understanding on a scientific level. Their recidivism rate is also the lowest. It's because they treat people like they are people, and give them the tools to get on their feet. In USA people join gangs and destroy themselves for the most part in jail, or come out very mentally disturbed. The recidivism is 8-9X higher. Same as the mental health system. No one gets better if they arent treated in a way to make them not want to CTB. Most people who go wind up termporarily doped up and feel strong CTB and low SI. This makes people scared to reach out in the first place - theyre already traumatized. It's things like this, that show its face on the collective level, that reflect our decay in society.

In the US our prison systems aren't focused on reforming and recovery, even though they should be. People leave prison and jail traumatized, treated as less than, and it's sickening.
And it's not much different with the mental health system here, you're right.
I was admitted to a mental hospital only one time, and I left in a worse state than I had arrived at.
healthcare just isn't for our health, and it's awful

 

[sadman710]

In the US our prison systems aren't focused on reforming and recovery, even though they should be. People leave prison and jail traumatized, treated as less than, and it's sickening.
And it's not much different with the mental health system here, you're right.
I was admitted to a mental hospital only one time, and I left in a worse state than I had arrived at.
healthcare just isn't for our health, and it's awful

Why should anyone fear getting mental health treatmentn/ support when theyre in a crisis, and destroy so many, is beyond me.

Despite my tendencies I've made all efforts to never wind up there because of that, successfully. Their protocols wouldn't do anything to alleviate the root anyways.

 

[LunarCharm]

Why should anyone fear getting mental health treatmentn/ support when theyre in a crisis, and destroy so many, is beyond me.

Despite my tendencies I've made all efforts to never wind up there because of that, successfully. Their protocols wouldn't do anything to alleviate the root anyways.

their protocols make the root worse in my personal opinion :\

 

[sadman710]

their protocols make the root worse in my personal opinion :\

It's done on purpose.

I'll give an example.

I think everyone has a right to an opinion on the LGBT issue. It's how both sides go about it.

Meaning, sure you can be for or against it. We can debate what's wrong all day.

The question is how to let's saybstraight people treat those not straight and the other way? Do they dehumanize each other, or recognize everyone has faults and that they can respect each other as humans who have wound up at that point without destroying each other because of the difference in ideals, and that every human needs support and love.

That's how this division is destroying us and leading us nowhere.

15 years ago we were on a much better path because these divisions weren't weaponized. The subjects of people trying to change the system were much more productive than today. At this point, we have gone nowhere but destroy each other over superficial issues and have not gone forward an inch, just backward.

And that has carried into our personal worlds.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think it's great you want to try and cure what ills the world. It's highly commendable. Perhaps with 7 billion more people like you, it may be possible. But, alas, there is no hope for this forsaken world. Sure, you can beat-back some of the evils, like a game of Whack-A-Mole, and many people do just that, but that only slows down the inevitable trajectory of this world's demise. The trend toward the world's annihilation will still be intact. It's called entropy. Look it up.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do.

 

[sadman710]

I think it's great you want to try and cure what ills the world. It's highly commendable. Perhaps with 7 billion more people like you, it may be possible. But, alas, there is no hope for this forsaken world. Sure, you can beat-back some of the evils, like a game of Whack-A-Mole, and many people do just that, but that only slows down the inevitable trajectory of this world's demise. The trend toward the world's annihilation will still be intact. It's called entropy. Look it up.

Changes in society don't take many historically. They are usually carried out by a small %. Especially in a sense I believe resonates with our brain receptors. Though I can't find against your thoughts because I've thought the same thing. It's either we continue getting worse and don't deserve this technology and destroy ourselves, animals, and the planet, or we put these issues aside that will actually make us happier.
The fact of the matter is we have already accepted death, so what do we have to lose by going out or in pain with the things we know deep down is right. Whether we have just ourselves or a billion behind us. But if we stay in a caccoon, and hang separately, while binding together about just simply ending ourselves, we will go nowhere. Because of how we're trained. It doesnt have to be this way. If every member on here put up the fight, this hell couldn't stand.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Changes in society don't take many historically. They are usually carried out by a small %. Especially in a sense I believe resonates with our brain receptors. Though I can't find against your thoughts because I've thought the same thing. It's either we continue getting worse and don't deserve this technology and destroy ourselves, animals, and the planet, or we put these issues aside that will actually make us happier.
The fact of the matter is we have already accepted death, so what do we have to lose by going out or in pain with the things we know deep down is right. Whether we have just ourselves or a billion behind us. But if we stay in a caccoon, and hang separately, while binding together about just simply ending ourselves, we will go nowhere. Because of how we're trained. It doesnt have to be this way. If every member on here put up the fight, this hell couldn't stand.

Entropy dictates where the universe goes. Resistance is futile I'm sorry to say.

 

[sadman710]

Entropy dictates where the universe goes. Resistance is futile I'm sorry to say.

So is there any difference whether you go along with it or the opposite. What about a grand scale, a person, a million, billion?

 

[HighLowHigh]

I understand what you are going through. It's difficult to live everyday

 

[iloverachel]

Sorry you are in so much pain my friend

 

[defunkt]

I know you're suffering and I truly hope you find a way to reconcile with life and get enough people on board. I'm rooting for you brother, but personally I have been so completely dead inside, I don't even have the will to be part of a revolution, even if zombies were in my courtyard and banging at my door.

Maybe it's something to do with my own personal beliefs, but I just don't find myself being part of any revolution. I don't even give to charity, I'd much rather give my money to homeless people directly or anyone directly instead of giving it to charity.

I don't believe in capitalism either, and I agree that it's killing people's morality and turning them into minions for the govts and the super rich.

I know all that but I can't be part of even a rally. I happen to be trans and I don't even attend rallies for it in my own hometown.

And it's not even that I'm afraid of getting imprisoned or something, I've always been reckless.

Adrenaline junky and reckless.

My tendency for self harm in any way surprises everyone and even though I have no fear of retaliation from the higher ups, I'm just so numb inside I just sit by and let everything pass me by instead.

That said like I said I truly wish you find what you're looking for so you can live a life of purpose and without worrying about trivial shit like money.