S
scary
Member
- May 1, 2024
- 6
I heard shit like this countless times on other mental health forums and just in general. This phrase pisses me off to no end. When you're like me and suffer from various anxiety disorders CTB is almost near impossible. Suicide is scary, messy, and exhausting for the most part. Knowing there's a high survival factor for the only methods I have bring so much fear that I don't know what else to do, and knowing I'd damage my body even more brings even more fear.
I just know I'd have a panic attack and SI would kick in before I'm able to go though with a method like partial hanging for example. Blood and sharp objects like knives make me nervous/pass out so I can't cut and bleed out. God I'm so pathetic I can't even kill myself.
If I were born into this world as a cat or dog with all the same physical and mental problems I would be euthanized by now. The people who would claim that I'm too young and had "so much to live for" would just let me sit in pain and forget about me in a day or even a week if I'm lucky. The country I'm living in would deny me being peacefully put to sleep without a doubt, I'm not dying of any terminal illnesses so I'd automatically be rejected and most likely be sent to a psych ward. My existence is so forgettable and not worth trying to live another day anyway. The second I die, around 4 more babies are born whos lives are so much more worthwhile and would make a much more lasting impact. My problems aren't even unique, especially on here, and I'm just screaming into an endless aether at this point.
I know I haven't been on SaSu for long, that there are people who are going through way worse than me that deserve N more, and barely anyone would even read this, but I'm just so physically and mentally tired and so fucking close to having a psychotic break. I'm not the type of person to cry but I just couldn't take bottling this up anymore and started crying alone in my room while my family eats dinner without me. How many more days of feeling worthless or wasting away sleeping off the pain before I break? I've already had a panic attack before over the thought of failing my attempt. Knowing I'd wake up in the hospital with my family over top of me brings so much fear in me. I'm so sick of constantly being paralyzed by fear in general.
I'm just so scared and tired, I genuinely can't take it anymore
I just know I'd have a panic attack and SI would kick in before I'm able to go though with a method like partial hanging for example. Blood and sharp objects like knives make me nervous/pass out so I can't cut and bleed out. God I'm so pathetic I can't even kill myself.
If I were born into this world as a cat or dog with all the same physical and mental problems I would be euthanized by now. The people who would claim that I'm too young and had "so much to live for" would just let me sit in pain and forget about me in a day or even a week if I'm lucky. The country I'm living in would deny me being peacefully put to sleep without a doubt, I'm not dying of any terminal illnesses so I'd automatically be rejected and most likely be sent to a psych ward. My existence is so forgettable and not worth trying to live another day anyway. The second I die, around 4 more babies are born whos lives are so much more worthwhile and would make a much more lasting impact. My problems aren't even unique, especially on here, and I'm just screaming into an endless aether at this point.
I know I haven't been on SaSu for long, that there are people who are going through way worse than me that deserve N more, and barely anyone would even read this, but I'm just so physically and mentally tired and so fucking close to having a psychotic break. I'm not the type of person to cry but I just couldn't take bottling this up anymore and started crying alone in my room while my family eats dinner without me. How many more days of feeling worthless or wasting away sleeping off the pain before I break? I've already had a panic attack before over the thought of failing my attempt. Knowing I'd wake up in the hospital with my family over top of me brings so much fear in me. I'm so sick of constantly being paralyzed by fear in general.
I'm just so scared and tired, I genuinely can't take it anymore