Venting "If you were really suicidal you would've sucked it up and tried any method by now"

[scary]

I heard shit like this countless times on other mental health forums and just in general. This phrase pisses me off to no end. When you're like me and suffer from various anxiety disorders CTB is almost near impossible. Suicide is scary, messy, and exhausting for the most part. Knowing there's a high survival factor for the only methods I have bring so much fear that I don't know what else to do, and knowing I'd damage my body even more brings even more fear.
I just know I'd have a panic attack and SI would kick in before I'm able to go though with a method like partial hanging for example. Blood and sharp objects like knives make me nervous/pass out so I can't cut and bleed out. God I'm so pathetic I can't even kill myself.

If I were born into this world as a cat or dog with all the same physical and mental problems I would be euthanized by now. The people who would claim that I'm too young and had "so much to live for" would just let me sit in pain and forget about me in a day or even a week if I'm lucky. The country I'm living in would deny me being peacefully put to sleep without a doubt, I'm not dying of any terminal illnesses so I'd automatically be rejected and most likely be sent to a psych ward. My existence is so forgettable and not worth trying to live another day anyway. The second I die, around 4 more babies are born whos lives are so much more worthwhile and would make a much more lasting impact. My problems aren't even unique, especially on here, and I'm just screaming into an endless aether at this point.

I know I haven't been on SaSu for long, that there are people who are going through way worse than me that deserve N more, and barely anyone would even read this, but I'm just so physically and mentally tired and so fucking close to having a psychotic break. I'm not the type of person to cry but I just couldn't take bottling this up anymore and started crying alone in my room while my family eats dinner without me. How many more days of feeling worthless or wasting away sleeping off the pain before I break? I've already had a panic attack before over the thought of failing my attempt. Knowing I'd wake up in the hospital with my family over top of me brings so much fear in me. I'm so sick of constantly being paralyzed by fear in general.

I'm just so scared and tired, I genuinely can't take it anymore

 

[LaughingGoat]

Do you generally have less anxiety around things you are comfortable/confident doing? Asking because exposure around "testing" methods to get comfortable around them is helpful for some people before making the actual attempt. Also thinking the way you describe suicide as "scary, messy, and exhausting" is inherently negative (not saying that as a criticism) so I'm wondering if framing the way you think and feel about suicide as an act in a positive light, getting to the point where you see it as a joyful, relieving event would help you overcome some of that apprehension.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wonder if some of it is because it doesn't fit with their idea of what a suicidal person is. Thinking through the consequences of your actions is rational. Fear is surely rational when so many suicide attempts fail (apparently.) I think I read one statistic that only 1 in 24 or 25 attempts is successful. Plus, we've seen examples where people do create long-term debilitating health issues for themselves when attempts fail. Surely, it's sensible and rational then to have concerns.

But- I suspect that doesn't fit with their idea that suicidal thoughts are all based on extreme and desperate emotions. That they're mostly impulsive perhaps and that we are no longer rational when we are suicidal. That's my feeling anyhow. I think a lot of 'normies' have tunnel vision in a way when they think of suicidal people.

Just because a person says they feel utterly desperate, doesn't mean they lose all common sense! I guess there are two schools of thought on it though. I've had similar conversations with a friend. They tried to overdose a couple of times in their youth on over the counter medication. I suppose I've always had a suspicion that that wouldn't work as a method. I guess they didn't understand my more rational mindset. They said it was desperation that drove them type of thing. But then- I'd argue- yes, but I'm desperate to kill myself. Not severely maim myself, end up in a psyche ward and be monitored there on after as a suicide risk. If and when I do it, I want to get it right first time! Amazingly, they actually got off pretty lightly following both attempts though- thankfully.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hate that phrase too. I want to be dead and I probably have the least inclination or attachment to life here (with the exception of FC) yet I'm alive because, despite my perpetual suffering everyday, I still am rational enough to understand the consequences of me failing a suicide attempt and at how much of a gamble it is. I'm not alive because I love life... far from it honestly. I'm only alive because living right now is the lesser of two evils (by two evils, I'm referring to living and doing a risky suicide attempt... not death itself as I find death to be blissful).

I always wished that euthanasia could be available for people like us as we don't deserve to suffer if we don't want to. Sadly euthanasia will never be available for people like us so we have to do it ourselves. This is one cruel world..

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I've had this phrase used on me too, it's really annoying and even hurtful. They think it's easy because they've never actually approached the ledge before. They don't know what it's like to actually contemplate the drop, they don't know what it's like for every fibre of your body to be screaming NO while your mind cries out in anguish YES.

 

[UKscotty]

I'm always on the fence with this one. Part of me thinks and questions that maybe I am not really suicidal, otherwise I'd have found a way.

Flip side is that maybe I'm just not quite ready yet and still on the journey.

The saying itself us unhelpful I agree but most people do not want death, recovery from the pain and suffering is the desire. Many of us just feel death is the only relief.

 

[acephale]

I think it's about finding the right moment and the courage and resources to do it.

 

[kindalone]

A bad faith argument that displays their prejudice. Nothing more. Still, it makes me quite furious as well.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so hellish and extremely cruel how people cannot have the option to just reliably die in a peaceful way and instead have no other option for suicide than painful, risky methods. To have access to euthaniasia would be such a relief and prevent so much meaningless suffering, I really wish there's the option to be euthanised. I'd also fear trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse agony, it terrifies me how such could potentially happen.

 

[divinemistress36]

My mom says stupid shit like this like if someone is truly suicidal they will go get hit by a train smh