Discussion If you were ever scared, how long did it take you to overcome fear of CTB?

[Pg.964]

I'm really scared of dying, just the idea of being conscious and then unconscious forever. I go through cycles of accepting it and later on I'll feel overwhelming dread. Death is like eldritch horror to me, I wish I could be like others who aren't afraid.

 

[the_path_of_sorrows]

I personally haven't managed to overcome it just yet. I get what you mean, same thing keeps happening to me. But some people, myself included, experience some sort of hypnotic need to ctb right before the attempt like you're not even afraid anymore. You're not being yourself for initial moments or even weeks before that, you feel at peace with this like it's your destiny. It's different for everyone, of course, but I didn't even need to push myself to do this, it was as if my soul wasn't a part of my physical body.

 

[Pg.964]

I personally haven't managed to overcome it just yet. I get what you mean, same thing keeps happening to me. But some people, myself included, experience some sort of hypnotic need to ctb right before the attempt like you're not even afraid anymore. You're not being yourself for initial moments or even weeks before that, you feel at peace with this like it's your destiny. It's different for everyone, of course, but I didn't even need to push myself to do this, it was as if my soul wasn't a part of my physical body.

I think I get what you mean I get like that when it gets really bad. But then I just become scared of myself. Like I'm not me and this person is trying to kill me. I think it would take something scarier than death to happen to me, for me to do it.

 

[raindrops]

When I first came to ss, I felt sorry for myself, I'd cry at the thought of ctb. Now, though, I don't cry at the thought of ctb at all. I really want to leave this shitty existence more than ever. The only thing that stops me & makes me cry now is the responsibility I have -- my cat, honestly. Laugh all you want. It may sound stupid. I harness trained him (lol). I have fed him the best food, I bought him a 60kg cat tree! It's massive! He's a Ragdoll, pedigree breed, he's beautiful, and who would care for him like I do? Now I'm single I can't afford him like I did with my partner, though. There is a Ragdoll Club that collects them for free, they rehome them with people who know how to care for them, but will they?!?! And that's why I stick around, for my cat. Fml

 

[DinoDaAltaTCPCacaRt]

When I first came to ss, I felt sorry for myself, I'd cry at the thought of ctb. Now, though, I don't cry at the thought of ctb at all. I really want to leave this shitty existence more than ever. The only thing that stops me & makes me cry now is the responsibility I have -- my cat, honestly. Laugh all you want. It may sound stupid. I harness trained him (lol). I have fed him the best food, I bought him a 60kg cat tree! It's massive! He's a Ragdoll, pedigree breed, he's beautiful, and who would care for him like I do? Now I'm single I can't afford him like I did with my partner, though. There is a Ragdoll Club that collects them for free, they rehome them with people who know how to care for them, but will they?!?! And that's why I stick around, for my cat. Fml

Sorry for your struggles, what if you leave the door or windows open so your cat can leave when you die

 

[Abyssal]

Hard to say.

I took a bunch of pills, it took an hour or so from when I had access to my method to when I started taking them, but I also set that as a goal for myself. "If I don't come up with a reason to live I'll attempt in an hour" and that I did.

After I started, I hesitated for a bit before I deemed the point of no return (of course now I know my estimate was wrong) but that only took a couple minutes before I took the rest.

Overall, when I set a goal for when to take it by, I stuck to it pretty well.

 

[DinoDaAltaTCPCacaRt]

Hard to say.

I took a bunch of pills, it took an hour or so from when I had access to my method to when I started taking them, but I also set that as a goal for myself. "If I don't come up with a reason to live I'll attempt in an hour" and that I did.

After I started, I hesitated for a bit before I deemed the point of no return (of course now I know my estimate was wrong) but that only took a couple minutes before I took the rest.

Overall, when I set a goal for when to take it by, I stuck to it pretty well.

I also do that, setting a goal for ourselves helps a lot.

 

[raindrops]

Sorry for your struggles, what if you leave the door or windows open so your cat can leave when you die

I could never. I need to know he joins a loving, knowledgeable, beautifully kind soul who can care for him like I do. His well-being is everything to me. I don't trust other humans.

 

[DinoDaAltaTCPCacaRt]

I could never. I need to know he joins a loving, knowledgeable, beautifully kind soul who can care for him like I do. His well-being is everything to me. I don't trust other humans.

You right.

 

[BlazingBob]

Thank you for starting this thread because that's exactly how I feel. Sometimes I'm ok with my decision and other times, like right now, I feel sick with anxiety and dread and can't believe the situation I'm in. I won't go into details but my situation is hopeless for multiple reasons (mental and physical health, housing, finances). It just feels so surreal. I'm still here because of pets though there starting to really go downhill and I know the time is coming. I don't necessarily fear death itself but the process and how I'm going to do it, will it be painful, will it succeed, etc. I'm shaking right now because of my fear. I'm glad this site exists because it's the only place I feel truly understood.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I don't think the fear has truly been overcome until the act is committed.

 

[thewalkingdread]

I don't think the fear has truly been overcome until the act is committed.

Yup... Only those who actually go through it, overcome It.

 

[dustyrainbow]

I'm still afraid and I always have been.
I remember all my attempts, not a single one without panicking.
The the fast heart beat and hyperventilating made the experience very intense. I wish I could take away your fear but I can't.
I just know I always attempted in a "fuck it" state of mind. Thanks to my borderline I can be very impulsive and decide to do something I wouldn't ever do usually.

But one thing I learned over the years was: passing out felt more and more comfortable. Because I realised, as soon as I'm unconscious, I don't notice anything anymore. The first times I always fought passing out, but the lately it was more relieving? A similar feeling as falling asleep after being ultimately exhausted. You just get some peace and know you can rest.

I try to not think about death in detail. What scares me more is the process of dying, not being dead itself. Being dead is like... Just a decaying body. Like a rotten banana or something. In a way a pretty normal thing that happens...
I don't believe in anything after death.

But dying... For me it's just important to be unconscious. Then I don't care about what happens to me and my body. When it's over, and there's no soul or anything left, I won't remember dying, since my existence is just over?


A definite contra of my impulsiveness is that it's impulsive (duh). Chance to succeed are much lower then and I always regret not preparing everything in case of actually dying.
Yes, it can help to overcome the fear, but it doesn't help to succeed.

Another way of thinking about CTB is to treat it like a chore or task. Or... The big black spider behind your bed. You HAVE to find a way to get your results, no matter how little you wanna do it.

And I'm even more scared of losing control. Why would I want to die on a random day, maybe by an accident or an illness or whatever? Not prepared for anything?
CTBing is the perfect solution to close a chapter when you wanna portray it this way. Otherwise it's like a book with an open end and you just wait for the next book, but don't know anything, except there will be a continuation.
I just want to write my own story.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

And I'm even more scared of losing control. Why would I want to die on a random day, maybe by an accident or an illness or whatever?

If you look at it this way, technically we're subconsciously suspending the fear of death every day. Every cigarette we smoke could be the one that finally activates terminal lung cancer. Each donut we eat could be the one that triggers diabetes, etc. I really think the key is to have it ingrained in our minds that this day come at some point in our future, whether we fear it or not and we will be forced to finally come to terms with it.

 

[goblin99]

I'm still pretty scared. Moreso about failing than about succeeding. I failed once in 2019 and the time I spent in the hospital was the worst thing I can possibly imagine.