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Wakawaka

Wakawaka

Student
Dec 10, 2020
153
if you already have your way of ctb what keeps you from going through with it? it feels weird finally having the power to do it when i want to, like whats stopping me? i stopped wanting to live years ago and regret not ctb when i was able to, and now its like any day could be it
 
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elfgyoza

elfgyoza

Cursed
Aug 5, 2019
326
It's really fucking hard to actually do it. It's one thing to say 'I wish I were dead', but to actually make it happen? It goes against our basic animal instincts, we're programmed to keep going, keep the genes going. I know your question was probably more for like 'I have a dog to look after', but sometimes it's just not easy to push against human nature and I really wish it were
 
Wakawaka

Wakawaka

Student
Dec 10, 2020
153
It's really fucking hard to actually do it. It's one thing to say 'I wish I were dead', but to actually make it happen? It goes against our basic animal instincts, we're programmed to keep going, keep the genes going. I know your question was probably more for like 'I have a dog to look after', but sometimes it's just not easy to push against human nature and I really wish it were
i dont really have anyone keeping me here so i didnt mean it like that, i've just never talked to anyone about this so i really dont know how other people feel

maybe it is just survival instincts
 
elfgyoza

elfgyoza

Cursed
Aug 5, 2019
326
i dont really have anyone keeping me here so i didnt mean it like that, i've just never talked to anyone about this so i really dont know how other people feel

maybe it is just survival instincts
Yeah I get you, I wouldn't dare talk about this with anyone in real life. Could be survival instinct, but there might also be a different reason buried deep down somewhere? It's really hard to know why
 
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Thanatonaut

Thanatonaut

My time is coming.
May 17, 2019
264
I don't think enough people acknowledge our metaphysical ties to this world. They are powerful and not easily broken. The more relationships we have, the more of these ties there are, but the ties don't have to be relationships to people or animals. There are ties just to the world in general.
 
botanormal

botanormal

Mage
Nov 9, 2020
546
Personally, I'm waiting until after the holiday season's over. It's partially so my death doesn't ruin my family's celebrations, and partially so I have some time to relax a little before leaving.

I felt really conflicted about everything before too, having the ability to do it whenever you want gives you a lot to consider. It can be hard to just decide one day to 'go for it', even if you have everything ready there's still a lot of mental blockage you might need to overcome, like your SI for example. It helps for me to have a rough date picked out, because going through every day with the materials I need at my disposal, yet not knowing when I should actually do it, really drove me crazy. But to each their own, I hope you're able to figure things out! :hug:
 
rabbithole

rabbithole

Experienced
Oct 26, 2020
271
I don't think enough people acknowledge our metaphysical ties to this world. They are powerful and not easily broken. The more relationships we have, the more of these ties there are, but the ties don't have to be relationships to people or animals. There are ties just to the world in general.
Absolutely. I'm attached to so many things.
 
Gnip

Gnip

Bill the Cat
Oct 10, 2020
621
I do not have my stuff ready, and do not expect to until after I have been vaccinated against COVID. However, after that point, my mother's ongoing survival would be the only thing keeping me here. If she goes before me, any survival instinct I have will go with her.

My psychiatrists know that I am a member of Sanctioned Suicide (although they have no idea which poster I am), they know I read Final Exit ages ago, and they know they are completely impotent and incompetent to do anything about it. They have in their possession my detailed CTB method using nitrogen hypoxia which predates the creation of this site by years. (I supplied them with my documentation on self administered nitrogen hypoxia euthanasia in June 2014.) However, this is advantageous in my case by enabling the federal government to easily affirm the continuation of my permanent mental disability status. I am at no risk for ever being involuntarily admitted as a psychiatric inpatient because it is in my official records that if such an act were to be attempted against me that I would immediately CTB.
 
Deleted member 23774

Deleted member 23774

Member
Nov 14, 2020
78
I'm just waiting until after new years day. I plan on ctb the first week of the new year. The only thing keeping me here is that I want to spend the holiday with my best friend. It is really hard to hold on until then. I have everything that I need and I wish that I could do it now.
 
1

12345

Member
Dec 10, 2020
17
How do you spend time with friends / family knowing you are going to do it - thats what i struggle with big time :(
I'm just waiting until after new years day. I plan on ctb the first week of the new year. The only thing keeping me here is that I want to spend the holiday with my best friend. It is really hard to hold on until then. I have everything that I need and I wish that I could do it now.
 
Wakawaka

Wakawaka

Student
Dec 10, 2020
153
How do you spend time with friends / family knowing you are going to do it - thats what i struggle with big time :(
im halfway there myself, its weird before i could see my friends before an attempt, now im to distracted to hold a conversation if i was about to ctb
 
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Raminiki

Raminiki

Iustitia Mortuus
Jun 12, 2020
269
I couldn't be 100% certain to succeed and the price of failure wasn't worth taking the risk. I tested all my equipment earlier in the year and decided it wasn't sound enough, so I found this site and did extensive research. I've since amended my method to increase the likelihood of success.

False hope, apathy and resentful determination factor into my dallying, as well as the well known irrational survival instinct.

I must decide on a significant date to wrap things up. I can't randomly decide to stop things, as it feels strangely like closing a book in the middle of a chapter instead of going by the correct procedure and concluding it. Maybe something will happen before the end of the chapter that will provide insight? Maybe there'll be a 'last straw' to confirm I'm making the correct choice and show the plot is going in exactly the direction it should be.

I need to be in a calm and focused state of mind to make all the final preparations. It's a precise and intricate process, and must be managed with the utmost care. I need time and space alone to organise everything. People expect me to respond to them daily, and there are social invites every few days, which complicate matters.

I've guilt tripped over the whole Christmas thing. I panicked about having to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy like others have described here, and was ready to go before being forced into that. But now I feel I should wait till that's all over so as not to ruin it for everyone. I've managed to drag myself through 16 suicidal years, I can manage a little bit longer, right? Pass the sedatives and alcohol.
 
Caspers

Caspers

Lost
Jun 23, 2020
403
My dogs. I couldn't cause them the grief of losing me. And we recently got a puppy so my SN is just sitting there
 
Stepheng7287

Stepheng7287

Faster We Run, And We Die Young
Aug 29, 2020
144
My SN arrived last week after I had giving up hope from it being held in customs for so long. I think the long wait destroyed some of my motivation. I'm going to wait till the New Year now though to avoid ruining my family's holidays.
 
1

12345

Member
Dec 10, 2020
17
My SN arrived last week after I had giving up hope from it being held in customs for so long. I think the long wait destroyed some of my motivation. I'm going to wait till the New Year now though to avoid ruining my family's holidays.
did u let it arrive to your home address?
 
YukiFox

YukiFox

Pastel demon
Dec 8, 2018
320
The first reason that I don`t catch the bus is the impact with my family, because we had 3 significant obituaries this year. I`ve lost my both parents, mom at february and dad at april. And my maternal aunt also died this year in june. So in theory the grief wounds are still fresh I guess. Imaging the impact of my death since I`m in a foreign country and my family will can`t afford the body carrier, my body will be rot in a random morgue here. That kind of consequences distrurbed me. At least this particular 2020.
The second and third ones are explained in a post that I called "Stereotypes". The stereotype of the suicidal writer, and the sterotype of the suicidal transgender.
 
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D

DockoftheBay

Member
Sep 10, 2020
27
if you already have your way of ctb what keeps you from going through with it? it feels weird finally having the power to do it when i want to, like whats stopping me? i stopped wanting to live years ago and regret not ctb when i was able to, and now its like any day could be it
There's a slim chance it might all turn out ok. I might just get through this. And my partner who doesn't deserve to have her life ruined.
 
yive

yive

life is evil
Nov 6, 2020
696
...nothing? my life is horrible.
in fact, fatigue holds me back. i don't even have the energy to prepare. if i had a quick method [like cyanide or a gun] that doesn't require preparation, i would already be dead
 
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1

12345

Member
Dec 10, 2020
17
...nothing? my life is horrible.
in fact, fatigue holds me back. i don't even have the energy to prepare. if i had a quick method [like cyanide or a gun] that doesn't require preparation, i would already be dead

Feeeels man :( its the fatigue that is a huge contributer simply by the fact i don't have normal energy levels vs other people
 
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S

sephlove

Member
Nov 22, 2020
82
Today I finally got most of what I needed.
I have to sort out some things and wrap up a few things.

Sometimes what keeps me is false hope. Catch is 'false' because I've been living in pain for what seems a century, and I know it will be decades of more pain. I can't help but cling onto it sometimes though - but it's fleeting. Gloom lurks just around the corner waiting for me.

Everyone who posted above is correct. When it's actually time to do it, it feels a bit surreal. Like wow it's happening. This is it, no going back. I've had it hit me when my SN finally arrived and thinking about dying is definitely not the same as actually going to die soon.

So for me, I know it will be very soon, just a matter of really sitting down and deciding when.
 
Mer

Mer

Insert Witty Comment Here
Dec 2, 2020
66
if you already have your way of ctb what keeps you from going through with it? it feels weird finally having the power to do it when i want to, like whats stopping me? i stopped wanting to live years ago and regret not ctb when i was able to, and now its like any day could be it

Well for me it's really just mainly three reasons.

1: I want to watch Soul, Disney's new movie that's coming out on Christmas day. I know, kinda silly, but I've been looking forward to this movie since it was first announced and I love Disney films overall. Plus, it involves death, kinda poetic in a slightly morbid way.

2: Survival instinct. In spite of my chronic pain and wanting to die, it's still extremely hard to fight my own instinct to live.

3: I'm reading a book I'd like to finish, along with writing a few things for friends and family that I'll leave behind for them.
 
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