I couldn't be 100% certain to succeed and the price of failure wasn't worth taking the risk. I tested all my equipment earlier in the year and decided it wasn't sound enough, so I found this site and did extensive research. I've since amended my method to increase the likelihood of success.
False hope, apathy and resentful determination factor into my dallying, as well as the well known irrational survival instinct.
I must decide on a significant date to wrap things up. I can't randomly decide to stop things, as it feels strangely like closing a book in the middle of a chapter instead of going by the correct procedure and concluding it. Maybe something will happen before the end of the chapter that will provide insight? Maybe there'll be a 'last straw' to confirm I'm making the correct choice and show the plot is going in exactly the direction it should be.
I need to be in a calm and focused state of mind to make all the final preparations. It's a precise and intricate process, and must be managed with the utmost care. I need time and space alone to organise everything. People expect me to respond to them daily, and there are social invites every few days, which complicate matters.
I've guilt tripped over the whole Christmas thing. I panicked about having to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy like others have described here, and was ready to go before being forced into that. But now I feel I should wait till that's all over so as not to ruin it for everyone. I've managed to drag myself through 16 suicidal years, I can manage a little bit longer, right? Pass the sedatives and alcohol.