Discussion If you could go back, do a complete restart of your life, would you?

[venua]

I've been thinking about this question a lot in recent times. I've had a lot of things go wrong recently, and this question just keeps popping up. I know I will never be able to, of course. Because it's not possible. But if I just had that chance to go back. Start over and do every single thing different. From the second I was able to make choices for myself, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Just being able to avoid every fucked up decision I've made throughout my life, I think it'd make me feel a lot "happier". Of course, I'd still suffer, as that's just what life is. But I guess that temporary fleeting feeling of it.. It'd make me feel something.

 

[Anon7b8]

I understand the feeling. Just a certain point in time. Just this decision, make that turn instead of this. So yeah i also probably would.

 

[Ico]

Recently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at age 50, which explains the sensory hellscape that I assumed was "normal" for everyone. Also means that my diagnosis of "medication resistant depression" at age 16 was bullshit.

If I could restart with a different brain, I would do it in a second. With THIS one? No way.

 

[BornByGhosts]

yes i would swim much slower

 

[LonelyKitten]

Absolutely.
The worthwhile part of my life was a delicate, delicate balancing act - I just made too many mistakes at a certain point.
I'd love to go back to a salvageable point in it and walk that tightrope one more time, just slightly better, try to be more resilient.

In fact, I'm still secretly trying to do that.
Survival instinct be damned, I'm taking the last miracle shot I have at getting back my previous life.
Though I honestly just wanna CTB instead.
I'm tired. So tired...

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

yeah of course, i don't think it'd end up changing much though, for me

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I don't wish to experience existence under any circumstances, existence is just so futile, harmful and unappealing after all, I only desire the eternity of non-existence. Only a peaceful, eternal and dreamless sleep is desirable for me, there's no benefit to existing, it just leads to suffering.

 

[ceem]

hmmm, well i've tried my best but life decided to go rough on me, so i don't think i'd take the chance. i'd most likely still be hopeless and unmotivated to live.

 

[CH349]

probably no, unless I get to be reborn without mental health issues

 

[toofargone6969]

Yes, 100%.

 

[lebrodude]

It's all I want.

 

[DeadHead]

No. And this time I intend avoiding the reincarnation trap.

 

[Bluebunnysky]

100%

 

[StolenLife]

No. I don't want to go through that hell again.

 

[AntHills]

Assuming I could restart with all of the knowledge that I have today, yes I would. Even with psychological disorders, it is possible to live a relatively normal life so long as you are in a good place, mentally and financially, when you enter adulthood. The biggest challenge that I think a lot of the people on this website (myself included) have struggled to overcome is growing up disabilities that are unrecognized, untreated, and ultimately exacerbated by their environment, and we don't have the power or the resources to do anything about it because the financial and emotional burdens that we have to carry only further accumulate over time.

 

[SpeedingThroughLife]

Yes, I would like to restart my life with my current knowledge. It would make life way easier.

 

[Boudika]

Yes. Although I faced many traumas in my childhood, I remember this period as the most peaceful. Let me be innocent and sane once again.

 

[neonzebra]

Sure, there are hundreds of things I would do differently and I'm curious how things would have turned out if I had made other decisions.
I wouldn't want to live through my childhood again though. I'd start from 17 or 18.

 

[ohyouknow]

I don't know. So many of the things I would want to change are out of my control. Would I like to start life over with a different mother? Yes. I'm not happy about all the decisions I made, and doing things differently might have led to less pain, but it's hard to imagine making different choices under the same circumstances.

 

[WaitingAllMyLife]

1,000% yes. I know several crucial moments in my life where things took a wrong turn. My life would have been so different had I not made those decisions.

 

[Kerrtu]

I still don't think I was meant to be.

I have seen horror and beauty, felt love and terror - beaten, burned and was able to rise to back to my feet. But my heart - it feels broken since I became a target. I wasn't allowed to be. One life…it has been more than enough for me.

I cherish the moments of joy and laughter, even the homesickness for my sister as bittersweet as it is.

When I go, I know, I will be at peace.

 

[CTBtoday]

Yes, I know where I messed up in life. I just didnt care about it and it slowly snowballed

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I don't know. I haven't liked where I have been for the last 2 and so years at least.

I don't like a lot in the middle, but a lot of it was out of my control anyways.
I can't change my upbringing, I can't change my brain.
But that glimmer of light that was my one long-term relationship, I'd hate to miss.

If I could go back to 2020 and fix myself during the whole pandemic BS and not be this pathetic mess of a person I am, yeah.
If I could go back to 2017 and cherish and maybe fix the relationship and make it last, yeah.

But I gain nothing going back earlier. Just less managed autism, naiveté, and miserable home life.
I don't want to go through that again.

 

[finalkarma]

i would. its all i think about, i live my life stuck in the past regretting so many things ive done. my mistakes are the reason i want to ctb, so if i started my life over again i would be able to have an enjoyable life...

 

[Larysa]

I still don't think I was meant to be.

I have seen horror and beauty, felt love and terror - beaten, burned and was able to rise to back to my feet. But my heart - it feels broken since I became a target. I wasn't allowed to be. One life…it has been more than enough for me.

I cherish the moments of joy and laughter, even the homesickness for my sister as bittersweet as it is.

When I go, I know, I will be at peace.

You write so beautifully, Kerrtu.

 

[zoetrope]

I've been thinking about this question a lot in recent times. I've had a lot of things go wrong recently, and this question just keeps popping up. I know I will never be able to, of course. Because it's not possible. But if I just had that chance to go back. Start over and do every single thing different. From the second I was able to make choices for myself, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Just being able to avoid every fucked up decision I've made throughout my life, I think it'd make me feel a lot "happier". Of course, I'd still suffer, as that's just what life is. But I guess that temporary fleeting feeling of it.. It'd make me feel something.

Personally no, all my decisions lead me to where i am, regardless of the fact I plan to ctb. I strongly believe i was never meant to be happy. no matter what decision i change it would most likely always stay the same. Mostly due to the fact every problem I seem to have stems from the fact that my parents never loved me. Cant really change that you know?

 

[februaryangels]

i do not see a benefit if we're all bound to death at some point, especially when it's likely i'd suffer like this again

 

[ringo99]

Nope. I'm done. Just atomize me and scatter me across the universe when I'm gone

 

[Kerrtu]

You write so beautifully, Kerrtu.

Your presence has such warmth, thank you @Larysa

Before my mother changed, before things fell apart, she would read to me almost every night. I especially loved Eloise Wilkin's illustrations, and her book of poems helped me develop a world of my own, where I could retreat, be safe, feel calm.





In first grade, I won the young author's award - I told the story of a pig named Harry, who loved to swim and conquered his fear of heights on the high dive.

Title: The Pig That Swims



Not my handwriting on the cover the teacher put on it, and I wasn't exactly pleased by the duct tape binding but the color was blue, my favorite

I wish you could meet my boy, Oso. He was…he remains my world, wherever he is



My baby boy - he would love you ♡

If I was sad, he knew.

If I cried, or was about to cry, he would lick the tears away until I was laughing again.

 

[Larysa]

Oh, Oso!

I would love to read your whole story, @Kerrtu, have you written much down?

I adore children's books (used to work with kids). Look at you, little

ETA: "love" sounds wrong as I appreciate there must be a lot of trauma in your story. Can't find the right word rn…