Discussion If you could get help for what ails you, would you still want to CTB?

[LastDay]

I'm diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and been on and off with therapy and meds throughout my life. My recent and most longest stint with therapy is one to two times a week since October 2017 up until now. In September of 2018 I started working with an experienced therapist who is excellent and I really adore. I'm also working towards getting weight loss surgery (I have been morbidly obese all my life) all free of charge thanks to insurance through the state. I haven't had a job since 2016 because of the depression getting so bad although I'm working on it with a job coach. As for people in my life, I have a loving supportive boyfriend as well as others who would be sad if I CTB.

But even with all this, in my heart I still want to and am set on CTB. The struggle and misery is so high. I just can't fight it anymore. There is nothing left. I also...feel really intense guilt and shame about still feeling this way given the opportunities available to me. Like I'm an ungrateful cunt and I honestly probably am. I know many would love help and just can't get it for whatever reason.

And logically I really just don't see the point because even with happiness there will still be hard times to come. In death, whether or not you lived a long happy life doesn't matter because consciousness and memories cease to exist. In my beliefs of afterlife anyway.

My question is what all troubles you and if you could get free top notch help for it all, would you stick around? Why or why not?

 

[Final Escape]

I'm diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and been on and off with therapy and meds throughout my life. My recent and most longest stint with therapy is one to two times a week since October 2017 up until now. In September of 2018 I started working with an experienced therapist who is excellent and I really adore. I'm also working towards getting weight loss surgery (I have been morbidly obese all my life) all free of charge thanks to insurance through the state. I haven't had a job since 2016 because of the depression getting so bad although I'm working on it with a job coach. As for people in my life, I have a loving supportive boyfriend as well as others who would be sad if I CTB.

But even with all this, in my heart I still want to and am set on CTB. The struggle and misery is so high. I just can't fight it anymore. There is nothing left. I also...feel really intense guilt and shame about still feeling this way given the opportunities available to me. Like I'm an ungrateful cunt and I honestly probably am. I know many would love help and just can't get it for whatever reason.

And logically I really just don't see the point because even with happiness there will still be hard times to come. In death, whether or not you lived a long happy life doesn't matter because consciousness and memories cease to exist. In my beliefs of afterlife anyway.

My question is what all troubles you and if you could get free top notch help for it all, would you stick around? Why or why not?

I would try if it was free of charge for the most part. Ok I wouldn't want it to be free but affordable, easily accessible, and high rates of success. Also ongoing, so u aren't just left hanging once treatment is over. Relapse management. I think I might just be too lazy to get help. You know like somewhere I've decided already that ctb is the answer and I'm already functioning in I'm getting affairs in order and just waiting to finally be done here.

 

[mattwitt]

I'd still hate my life and wish I was dead but if a few of my problems went away I could go on for a while

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I really just don't see the point because even with happiness there will still be hard times to come

I get you. I'd guess we have to start seeing life as it is. Happiness doesn't exist, whereas joyful moments (very rare), yeah, and perhaps that's what makes life beautiful: those very rare moments of bliss and calmness. I'm nobody to say that since my life is a nightmare, but I like to believe that.

would you stick around? Why or why not?

At this point in life, I don't know. I need a miracle... but if I had the chance to really get better, why not giving it another try...

 

[SLN1096]

If I could be happy, confident and content with life...no I don't think I'd want to die.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

If I was able to be cured I would most likely want to live. Hard to tell though because of being an extreme introvert suffering from Complex PTSD and social anxiety. I've always found it hard to human even when I was healthy.

 

[Jen Erik]

If financial, health, and home insecurity could be cured, then there is a very good chance I would not want to ctb.

 

[Kyrok]

But that help would involve time travel.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

What ails me is having to partake in a society where you're treated like a criminal for not having a compulsion to live, only wanting a peaceful exit.

 

[21Neberg]

Honestly, I don't think so. Because no matter what we do, depression always comes back. It never truly goes. We can feel better for a week, maybe even a month, but we know that it will come back and that at the end of the month we'd still like to be dead.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Despite how fictional my need will sound like I feel the best fix I can get is a permanent brain surgery to fix everything so I can live a blissfully ignorant life until I can die another npc just like the rest of society, I would be too cowardly to ctb and too blinded by fake happiness to even recognize my own suffering if such a surgery were to take place.

 

[hunter_lewis]

If they could cure my chronic illness I would not want to ctb

 

[Janica333]

No. But the odds are like winning the main pot in lottery.

 

[Janica333]

What ails me is having to partake in a society where you're treated like a criminal for not having a compulsion to live, only wanting a peaceful exit.

Honestly, I don't think so. Because no matter what we do, depression always comes back. It never truly goes. We can feel better for a week, maybe even a month, but we know that it will come back and that at the end of the month we'd still like to be dead.

I have had hard time living in this life since I was a kid because there is way too much cruelty and dishonest and bad people.
I'm happy that at least in future meat is made in laboratories from meat cells. At least something is getting better in this world.

 

[21Neberg]

I have had hard time living in this life since I was a kid because there is way too much cruelty and dishonest and bad people.
I'm happy that at least in future meat is made in laboratories from meat cells. At least something is getting better in this world.

I'm glad you feel good about something at least.

 

[Pulpit2018]

I dont really have an illness.I have mild OCD which makes life hard,but even without it,i would definitely CTB.I am too far gone now.

 

[OnlyMercy]

The mere contemplation of suicide brings one to a certain "enlightenment" or perspective on life. It is difficult to still want something after you have seen it's meaningless and futility.

 

[Ch92921]

there is no help for inborn issues.

 

[Broken]

I get you. I'd guess we have to start seeing life as it is. Happiness doesn't exist, whereas joyful moments (very rare), yeah, and perhaps that's what makes life beautiful: those very rare moments of bliss and calmness. I'm nobody to say that since my life is a nightmare, but I like to believe that.



At this point in life, I don't know. I need a miracle... but if I had the chance to really get better, why not giving it another try...

I ache because I did find happiness and threw it away without even meaning to. I think the problem was I never acknowledged in my head how happy I was. When it mattered. I new I wasn't unhappy but I never thought. "I'm so happy right now, what do I need to do to sustain this happiness.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I ache because I did find happiness and threw it away without even meaning to. I think the problem was I never acknowledged in my head how happy I was. When it mattered. I new I wasn't unhappy but I never thought. "I'm so happy right now, what do I need to do to sustain this happiness.

Although what's happened to me is different, I have also learned the hard way... if it were. At least you know now that you are capable of feeling happiness: that's a huge thing. Sometimes we are so stubborn, just thinking about our own misery, that we don't fully appreciate it when we are experiencing something beautiful... I'm sure you can overcome this bad experience. Give it time.

 

[Broken]

Although what's happened to me is different, I have also learned the hard way... if it were. At least you know now that you are capable of feeling happiness: that's a huge thing. Sometimes we are so stubborn, just thinking about our own misery, that we don't fully appreciate it when we are experiencing something beautiful... I'm sure you can overcome this bad experience. Give it time.

Did you overcome or make peace with the mistake you made?

 

[Hopeless_soul]

Did you overcome or make peace with the mistake you made?

Not really. That's why I'm here. But that doesn't mean you can, or even that I could if I wanted.

 

[Broken]

Not really. That's why I'm here. But that doesn't mean you can, or even that I could if I wanted.

Yeah that's the only thing that keeps me going. The fact that I'm not a bad person. I have flaws. I have a bit of hope left in me that one day I will look back on this and realise I was exactly where I was meant to be and it was all just part of life's plan.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

The fact that I'm not a bad person. I have flaws

You are not a bad person, for sure. Having flaws is completely normal. In fact, I have always got suspicious about people who pretend to be perfect and devaluate others without any real reason: those are the worst; they hide loads of horrible aspects of the human condition. Being imperfect is what makes us humans.

I have a bit of hope left in me

Keep that hope as a treasure :) I would.

 

[StillWaiting]

The only help that will make me stop wanting to ctb is being someone who is not me.
In the sense that I am someone who is more talented and confident.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

The only help that will make me stop wanting to ctb is being someone who is not me

Yeah. Since I was little I have fantasised a lot with being someone else. Someone prettier, stronger, more confident, and so on... It's a horrible feeling, and a ridiculous waste of time...

 

[iHeartRockArt]

If I didn't have 2 debilitating incurable illnesses..probably would want to live more than I do now. I'm not ready to CTB just yet...but if things got bad.

 

[Broken]

You are not a bad person, for sure. Having flaws is completely normal. In fact, I have always got suspicious about people who pretend to be perfect and devaluate others without any real reason: those are the worst; they hide loads of horrible aspects of the human condition. Being imperfect is what makes us humans.

Keep that hope as a treasure :) I would.




Thankyou for your kind words and support. i have found yourself and members of SS are so understanding and non judgemental. You really do get a much better level of support from people that are in a similar place compared to people that are not feeling suicidal

 

[Hopeless_soul]

Thankyou for your kind words and support. i have found yourself and members of SS are so understanding and non judgemental. You really do get a much better level of support from people that are in a similar place compared to people that are not feeling suicidal

[/QUOTE]

I just joined last week, and also find this community to be very supportive. That's a good thing.

 

[RyanSuicide]

I am more on the pro life side I believe in death only if the prognosis for betterment is poor