I think I do actually want to die rather than fix my problems- the whole- 'death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem' has always seemed baloney to me because I've felt this way for so long. The 'problems' have never really gone away from when I first considered it.
That said, I do still feel quite sad about it when I think through it in my mind- when I actually start to visualise a method. It's not the only emotion- I feel almost blissful too when I think about it- I simply won't need to worry or try anymore. It will all just be over. That seems so appealing.
I think the sadness comes in when I start to think about other people- not that there are people who will likely be devastated by it. The only person that would be is my Dad and I don't feel like I could do it while he is still alive.
I suppose I remember how I have mourned the people who have died in my family (although- none by suicide) and that has been terribly painful. Death in itself is sad for the people left behind.
I suppose I start to empathise with their (hopeful) future empathy of me! (Rather than anger- which is also possible because I think some would go the classic route of- suicide is selfish). I'm assuming that suicide is also worse for the people left behind as opposed to a regular death.
I feel sad for the people themselves who have managed to ctb as well as relieved that they are finally at peace. Just the sympathy and empathy that things had gotten so cruel and oppressive that they felt like that was their only way out. It's maybe not a sadness for them having died but for having lived such a painful life in the first place that lead them to that. A sadness that so many of us are suffering right now.
I guess the human condition in itself can be a very sad thing- We are brought into the world without a choice, have the potential to lead very challenging lives and then possibly suffer pain in either a natural death or a risky suicide.
Maybe that's it though- I think people who mourn a suicide maybe mourn who they thought that person was- with all that life potential rather than seeing the reality that their experience was obviously awful. Plus, I suppose the guilt that they weren't able to help them. Really- they shouldn't be mourning their death but their tragic life.
I think in my case then, my sadness is a kind of self pitty- not that I would be sad that I was actually going to end it but sad that life didn't really work out to be all that great and that I really don't have the hope or will to make it better.
Maybe it would be a personal sense of failure too in a way- that I was lucky enough to have been given love and support (although lots of shitty experiences too) but somehow, it still wasn't enough to make me want to make a go of it. Perhaps it's shame...
Still- I think as humans, we have a whole range of emotions and although feeling sad may suggest regret/apprehension, in my case I think it is/would be regret over ever having lived rather than making the decision to die.
I don't want to die.
It's a need - a requirement - not a desire. Life has become unbearable and unsustainable. For me, there is no living, only existing from one agonising moment to another and wondering why time can't hurry the fuck up instead of dragging me along, slowly and painfully.
I still feel sad. I'm always sad, even when pretending not to be. Even when smiling or laughing. There is a constant pressure at the back of my eyes, a permanent lump in my throat, a heaviness in my chest. It's grief. I grieve the life I had and the life I perhaps could have had, under a different set of circumstances.
I don't think I will ever "feel ready", eventually my desperation will outweigh my fear of dying. Someday, when enough is enough.
I will always be sad, but I will go.
