Discussion If someone you loved committed suicide, would you want them to tell you goodbye?

[cemetorium]

i would love to at least get some kind of note. my friend didn't leave anything behind and i'd give anything for her to have at least scheduled a message.

 

[Pen>Sword]

Definitely.

I don't want my parting words with my loves ones to be unsavoury. It will impact the person's mental health negatively. I want that loved one to know the he or she is loved and remembered before leaving.

I would apologize, treat them better, cry with them, and all other stuff to leave a positive, lasting moment before CTB. This person's life has been through hell. I want to give his/her final moment as if he or she is in heaven.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

i would love to at least get some kind of note. my friend didn't leave anything behind and i'd give anything for her to have at least scheduled a message.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope someday you are able to meet again and receive closure. Although if you dont believe in that then at least I hope you are able to find your own peace in the end.

Definitely.

I don't want my parting words with my loves ones to be unsavoury. It will impact the person's mental health negatively. I want that loved one to know the he or she is loved and remembered before leaving.

I would apologize, treat them better, cry with them, and all other stuff to leave a positive, lasting moment before CTB. This person's life has been through hell. I want to give his/her final moment as if he or she is in heaven.

That is beautiful. Thank you. <3

 

[Ironweed]

I am such a loathsome creature my answer to this question is purely hypothetical, in the sense I have no one who cares about me enough to make such a disclosure. So take my viewpoint for what it is worth: nothing.

Before the fact of the suicide: Probably not, for several reasons. First, it puts a very uncomfortable burden on the individual told, even if you agree in free choice for suicide (as I do). Family and friends will forevermore question why you let the person die without saying anything should the fact somehow ever get out that you knew before it happened. You -- as the one told -- may irreparably damage relationships. Second, it is difficult to determine if the goodbye communication is in fact some sort of "cry for help" or not. Apparently such things are pretty common, with suicidal individuals later thanking those who intervened on their behalf. Not saying such things are right, but it happens. Or so the literature claims. Third, the increasingly murky laws (at least in the USA, at least how they're enforced) around directly "assisting" in somebody else's suicide might put the person told at some kind of risk of criminal prosecution. Probably pretty unlikely, admittedly, but with loons like the #FixThe26 types running around I do think it is something that needs to at least be considered.

After the fact of the suicide: Probably. I'd rather know than not, even if I'm going to be blamed for something. But I also think I have no right to demand such a thing. If someone wishes to go, ends their life and offers no reason or explanation as to why I think that is their prerogative. Most people who commit suicide leave no note or other direct communication. Seems selfish to me to have any kind of expectation in this way.

Note that should we ever get to the point of being a sane society on the topic of suicide, I will happily revise my views. I'm basing my response upon the actual world we all live in, or at any rate how I perceive it, rather than some idealized version of what I'd like to see.

 

[lucacaro]

I completely understand. I tried to do that once but failed miserably because I couldn't bare the thought of them not knowing and texting me later when I would never respond back. That thought made me so sad that I had to tell them, and of course I'm still here so you can decide if its worth it or not lol

I hope if you ever do it that your friends will understand. I also would not want my friends to feel like they could have done something, to feel powerless. I would hope not telling them would save them from that.

Yeah.. them texting me without ever getting a response bothers me a lot as well. But they know I'm suicidal and I've told them that one day when I stop replying it's because I'm dead. So at least I gave them some warning. I will really miss them.

 

[Final Escape]

What the title says. If someone you cared about was committed to suicide, would you want them to be able to say goodbye? Or would you rather not know until after it happened? Curious to know everyone's opinions.

I myself am not sure. One the one hand I would love for them to be able to tell me goodbye. I think it shows a great level of love and trust and respect. On the other hand I guess it would greatly depend on why they were committing suicide. But I was raised in a very pro-life environment, so saving people who dont want to be saved is engrained in me. I would probably feel guilty for not saving someone if I knew they were dying in that moment.

Yes but it's because I want the chance to say goodbye. And share last moments.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I am such a loathsome creature my answer to this question is purely hypothetical, in the sense I have no one who cares about me enough to make such a disclosure. So take my viewpoint for what it is worth: nothing.

Before the fact of the suicide: Probably not, for several reasons. First, it puts a very uncomfortable burden on the individual told, even if you agree in free choice for suicide (as I do). Family and friends will forevermore question why you let the person die without saying anything should the fact somehow ever get out that you knew before it happened. You -- as the one told -- may irreparably damage relationships. Second, it is difficult to determine if the goodbye communication is in fact some sort of "cry for help" or not. Apparently such things are pretty common, with suicidal individuals later thanking those who intervened on their behalf. Not saying such things are right, but it happens. Or so the literature claims. Third, the increasingly murky laws (at least in the USA, at least how they're enforced) around directly "assisting" in somebody else's suicide might put the person told at some kind of risk of criminal prosecution. Probably pretty unlikely, admittedly, but with loons like the #FixThe26 types running around I do think it is something that needs to at least be considered.

After the fact of the suicide: Probably. I'd rather know than not, even if I'm going to be blamed for something. But I also think I have no right to demand such a thing. If someone wishes to go, ends their life and offers no reason or explanation as to why I think that is their prerogative. Most people who commit suicide leave no note or other direct communication. Seems selfish to me to have any kind of expectation in this way.

Note that should we ever get to the point of being a sane society on the topic of suicide, I will happily revise my views. I'm basing my response upon the actual world we all live in, or at any rate how I perceive it, rather than some idealized version of what I'd like to see.

That's a good response, I do live in the USA and I think those laws are something to think about. I dont like them either.

I'm sorry you are so alone, and I hope you dont take that as pity. I only mean to empathize as I have been in that situation before. I hope that you find peace in your decisions.

Yeah.. them texting me without ever getting a response bothers me a lot as well. But they know I'm suicidal and I've told them that one day when I stop replying it's because I'm dead. So at least I gave them some warning. I will really miss them.

Its highly unfortunate that friends cannot save us. What I wouldn't give to have them magically fix all my problems. I used to think love was all I needed, but really the problem was me all along. I will also miss them so much. But really I hope they will forget about me. I am not someone worth remembering.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Yes.

 

[Buttercup2.0]

I'm going to be giving my loved ones personalized voice recordings on USB, pictures, and a few little gifts. It will be sent via mail on the day I go, that way it's a couple of business days before they receive it. Their package will contain happy memories we both shared and a tearful goodbye, a 'thank you' for being in my life kind of thing.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I'm going to be giving my loved ones personalized voice recordings on USB, pictures, and a few little gifts. It will be sent via mail on the day I go, that way it's a couple of business days before they receive it. Their package will contain happy memories we both shared and a tearful goodbye, a 'thank you' for being in my life kind of thing.

That's wonderful. I hope they're able to cherish the good moments they had with you.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Yes, I would want to do everything I could to make their last moments the best I could.. and just be there for them.

 

[Shades of Grey]

I would have extreme difficulty respecting their decision outside of the context of debilitating terminal illness.

(Yes, I recognize the inherent hypocrisy in that statement.)

Its so hard to know what to do I think. You can't ask questions like "if I were to ever kill my self, would you like a note explaining why?" People respond in reactionary ways and probe and would never answer the heart of the question. It would be nice if we could know these things about people without adding on more stress.

I often think about this. There are a handful of people I'd love to ask, but can't for obvious reasons. I might have been able to casually bring up the subject with one friend (as she's been "there" and we sometimes discuss this stuff), but after my (recent) stint in the loony bin, I suspect that she'd be suspicious.

 

[Panna]

I suppose I'd want to know so that I could help ease them through it if necessary. If they wish to stop that's fine, but if a person really wants to go, the greatest kindness that I feel I could give would be to reassure them, tell them it would be ok, and whatever else that might occur. The thing about me is I really have trouble with connections in any sense, so it would be take or leave, meaning if they don't ask or tell then its ok, but if they do I will do my best to assist.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Yes, I would want to do everything I could to make their last moments the best I could.. and just be there for them.

You sound like a wonderful friend.

I would have extreme difficulty respecting their decision outside of the context of debilitating terminal illness.

(Yes, I recognize the inherent hypocrisy in that statement.)

I often think about this. There are a handful of people I'd love to ask, but can't for obvious reasons. I might have been able to casually bring up the subject with one friend (as she's been "there" and we sometimes discuss this stuff), but after my (recent) stint in the loony bin, I suspect that she'd be suspicious.

Haha its okay. I'm also super hypocritical - i think it might come with the mindset. We can't always reconcile our worldview with our feelings.

And yeah. I'm sorry its like that. Sending you comfort if you're okay with that sort of thing. =)

I suppose I'd want to know so that I could help ease them through it if necessary. If they wish to stop that's fine, but if a person really wants to go, the greatest kindness that I feel I could give would be to reassure them, tell them it would be ok, and whatever else that might occur. The thing about me is I really have trouble with connections in any sense, so it would be take or leave, meaning if they don't ask or tell then its ok, but if they do I will do my best to assist.

You sound like a good friend. =)

 

[Moonomyth]

No. Doing that would put me in a position to try to convince them to stop, and I would not want to inflict that on them.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

No. Doing that would put me in a position to try to convince them to stop, and I would not want to inflict that on them.

I understand. I feel the same way.

 

[paininme]

I was so angry for so long that I didn't get a goodbye but looking back I actually did just not in an obvious way...there are things I wish I had had the chance to of said though but I understand why people feel like they can't say goodbye it's probably a very painful thing to do knowing you are leaving them

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I was so angry for so long that I didn't get a goodbye but looking back I actually did just not in an obvious way...there are things I wish I had had the chance to of said though but I understand why people feel like they can't say goodbye it's probably a very painful thing to do knowing you are leaving them

It really is. No one ever really wants to hurt people (usually), but sometimes there just seems to be no middle ground between dont hurt anyone and stop hurting yourself. I'm sorry you never got to say a proper goodbye. Having things left unsaid is something that never really goes away.

 

[Gerard de Nerval]

The last words of my partner were "It sounds like things are going ok for you" after she asked about how I was and what was happening in the future. I wish she would have said more about what she was going to do 30 mins later.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

The last words of my partner were "It sounds like things are going ok for you" after she asked about how I was and what was happening in the future. I wish she would have said more about what she was going to do 30 mins later.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you both are in better places now.

 

[paininme]

The last words of my partner were "It sounds like things are going ok for you" after she asked about how I was and what was happening in the future. I wish she would have said more about what she was going to do 30 mins later.

I lost my partner too so I'm sorry for your loss I know no words can even touch how you feel.

 

[Georgiana Darcy]

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Of course I would. But we live in such a dangerous society that I know why the other person wouldn't be able to tell me-- for the safety of their plan and arrangements. I would never blame them or characterize them as selfish. I've been writing letters to a select group of loved ones and I have been putting work into a public letter that will be sent by mail to my place of employment, university professors, and on social media.

I fully agree. If we lived in a kinder, better world, this would be possible. But in akinder, better world, most of us would possibly not be driven to ctb.

 

[Ame]

Yes. Granted I am selfish and would do anything to make it so they didn't have to, but if it has to end in this way then I think that closure is important. I was left with a half lie and I am questioning everything. I drive myself mad by reading over every single correspondence and trying to hunt for answers that might not even be there. We don't get to be reunited when we die...so if we have the luxury of knowing the time of our death we should try to get everything out there no?

 

[Kbeau]

I'm not going to tell anyone because the risk of intervention is far too great. The last thing I want is cops breaking into my house on a "wellness check." Telling someone puts them in a sticky situation. They may feel guilty if they don't intervene. Why put that burden on them ? The better option imo is writing a suicide note via delayed send.

Exactly

 

[imsorrythatimhere]

Yes for closure and perhaps some sort of explanation to satisfy the firsthand confusion

 

[loopylou]

I have lost a couple of friends to suicide and yes I would of liked to of been able to say goodbye.

 

[notreallynow]

No. I'd feel like I'd have to move heaven and earth to stop them and if they did it would always feel like a failure. Doesn't matter that for me personally I know there is nothing on earth which could make me want to live, feelings are not rational and I can't see into another person's soul.
I think people around me believe I will make it and be happy, and that's good. It's horrible when someone you know is- and every interaction, is waiting for the end.


People like to romanticise it : all those dramas about sick people being fearless and spending their last days in bliss blah blah blah. The reality, beneath the forced smiles and the photos, is hell. When you are waiting for someone to die. There were moments, as late as 4 months before my mum died, when I could forget and there was a true happiness. But mostly it was indescribable. Even as suicidal as I am now, it's more of a weightlessness, and emptiness. I feel myself drifting away, with shocks of sharp pain here and there. But that, that was something else- it feels like your soul is being stretched out on a rack, every moment.

And honestly there's a massive difference, cause suicide is a choice, no matter how you dress it up. I accept it. I accept that many people have lived worse off than me and I could fight and you can live, like this, it's just not the same. My mum wanted to live and her body wouldn't let her. I'm just being a giant selfish pussy. So I've stopped bringing it up. There's nothing anyone could say to change my mind, it's not on them, I'm just dead inside, I don't feel properly anymore, I don't feel anything except fear and regret and fear. So why put them through that hell, when it's not their fault, it's not biology, it's just a warped personal decision I've made. That's just my outlook I suppose, I understand others don't see it as a choice. And I would never judge or feel anger at someone for that. And a different sort of person might get comfort from it. All human interaction is a gamble really, if you care about hurting people. If you're asking this question, worrying about it, considering others, then you're at least a little bit of a good person. We hurt others all the time, we break people without meaning to, or even doing anything really wrong. Do what you think is right, I suppose.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Yes. Granted I am selfish and would do anything to make it so they didn't have to, but if it has to end in this way then I think that closure is important. I was left with a half lie and I am questioning everything. I drive myself mad by reading over every single correspondence and trying to hunt for answers that might not even be there. We don't get to be reunited when we die...so if we have the luxury of knowing the time of our death we should try to get everything out there no?

I like that approach

Yes for closure and perhaps some sort of explanation to satisfy the firsthand confusion

Yeah

I have lost a couple of friends to suicide and yes I would of liked to of been able to say goodbye.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope they are in a better place. And I hope you are doing alright.

No. I'd feel like I'd have to move heaven and earth to stop them and if they did it would always feel like a failure. Doesn't matter that for me personally I know there is nothing on earth which could make me want to live, feelings are not rational and I can't see into another person's soul.
I think people around me believe I will make it and be happy, and that's good. It's horrible when someone you know is- and every interaction, is waiting for the end.


People like to romanticise it : all those dramas about sick people being fearless and spending their last days in bliss blah blah blah. The reality, beneath the forced smiles and the photos, is hell. When you are waiting for someone to die. There were moments, as late as 4 months before my mum died, when I could forget and there was a true happiness. But mostly it was indescribable. Even as suicidal as I am now, it's more of a weightlessness, and emptiness. I feel myself drifting away, with shocks of sharp pain here and there. But that, that was something else- it feels like your soul is being stretched out on a rack, every moment.

And honestly there's a massive difference, cause suicide is a choice, no matter how you dress it up. I accept it. I accept that many people have lived worse off than me and I could fight and you can live, like this, it's just not the same. My mum wanted to live and her body wouldn't let her. I'm just being a giant selfish pussy. So I've stopped bringing it up. There's nothing anyone could say to change my mind, it's not on them, I'm just dead inside, I don't feel properly anymore, I don't feel anything except fear and regret and fear. So why put them through that hell, when it's not their fault, it's not biology, it's just a warped personal decision I've made. That's just my outlook I suppose, I understand others don't see it as a choice. And I would never judge or feel anger at someone for that. And a different sort of person might get comfort from it. All human interaction is a gamble really, if you care about hurting people. If you're asking this question, worrying about it, considering others, then you're at least a little bit of a good person. We hurt others all the time, we break people without meaning to, or even doing anything really wrong. Do what you think is right, I suppose.

I've never known anyone who's died, so I can't relate, but I'm sorry you had to go through that. Life is cruel. Thank you for your perspective. I may not want to say anything in the end, just because I wouldn't want to make it worse for them. I finally received the last of my stuff in the mail, I just need a product I can get at the store and I'll be ready...

 

[Echo81]

Yes.

 

[Mentalmick]

Depends if I was on the PlayStation or not. If I was then they'd better not disturb me or they'll have a fate far worse than any suicide on their hands.