Discussion If someone you loved committed suicide, would you want them to tell you goodbye?

[nohopeforethefuture]

What the title says. If someone you cared about was committed to suicide, would you want them to be able to say goodbye? Or would you rather not know until after it happened? Curious to know everyone's opinions.

I myself am not sure. One the one hand I would love for them to be able to tell me goodbye. I think it shows a great level of love and trust and respect. On the other hand I guess it would greatly depend on why they were committing suicide. But I was raised in a very pro-life environment, so saving people who dont want to be saved is engrained in me. I would probably feel guilty for not saving someone if I knew they were dying in that moment.

 

[sourpink]

100% yes.
I've been on the receiving end of this and I'm glad I was able to say my farewell and them theirs. I think it's a beautiful closure too few of us are granted.

 

[czx85]

I would definitely do.

There is a chance that I cannot experience the exact pain they are going though, but I understand it must be so bad, to a point even the eitire life does not worth to endure it.

But I'm not sure if my loved one would do so, lol

 

[Horrors Lazuli]

Of course I would. But we live in such a dangerous society that I know why the other person wouldn't be able to tell me-- for the safety of their plan and arrangements. I would never blame them or characterize them as selfish. I've been writing letters to a select group of loved ones and I have been putting work into a public letter that will be sent by mail to my place of employment, university professors, and on social media.

 

[lucacaro]

Yes but it would probably also hurt me a bit and make me feel powerless. To make it easier on my friend I won't tell them when I'm going but I will text them before I do. - As in I'll talk to them normally before I die but not tell them I am dying.

 

[Spitfire]

It is the opposite but my sister is there for me, and she knows about my plans. At first, she told me she did not know if she wanted me to tell her or lie to her. She came to the conclusion that she does want me to let her know though.

 

[NodusTollens]

I think people who CTB say goodbye to those they love in their own way. I don't think goodbyes are always necessarily obvious to those left behind.

If they were to come right out & tell me they were going to CTB, while I would be curious about why, it wouldn't be my place to stop them- that is if they don't wish to be.

 

[Manford]

I'm not going to tell anyone because the risk of intervention is far too great. The last thing I want is cops breaking into my house on a "wellness check." Telling someone puts them in a sticky situation. They may feel guilty if they don't intervene. Why put that burden on them ? The better option imo is writing a suicide note via delayed send.

 

[muffin222]

No. I feel that being told goodbye beforehand and being powerless to change the outcome would traumatize me.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

100% yes.
I've been on the receiving end of this and I'm glad I was able to say my farewell and them theirs. I think it's a beautiful closure too few of us are granted.

That sounds beautiful. I'm glad you were able to have that closure. <3

I would definitely do.

There is a chance that I cannot experience the exact pain they are going though, but I understand it must be so bad, to a point even the eitire life does not worth to endure it.

But I'm not sure if my loved one would do so, lol

Oh I understand how you feel lol saving people is so engrained in our culture, that most people dont even give a thought about letting someone have a peaceful end. It's kind of sad really.

Of course I would. But we live in such a dangerous society that I know why the other person wouldn't be able to tell me-- for the safety of their plan and arrangements. I would never blame them or characterize them as selfish. I've been writing letters to a select group of loved ones and I have been putting work into a public letter that will be sent by mail to my place of employment, university professors, and on social media.

Yes, thats how I feel. I have been contemplating on whether saying goodbye myself would be wise, or if it would just cause more problems. Its unfortunate that we live in such a society that prioritizes life itself over the well being of that life.

Yes but it would probably also hurt me a bit and make me feel powerless. To make it easier on my friend I won't tell them when I'm going but I will text them before I do. - As in I'll talk to them normally before I die but not tell them I am dying.

I completely understand. I tried to do that once but failed miserably because I couldn't bare the thought of them not knowing and texting me later when I would never respond back. That thought made me so sad that I had to tell them, and of course I'm still here so you can decide if its worth it or not lol

I hope if you ever do it that your friends will understand. I also would not want my friends to feel like they could have done something, to feel powerless. I would hope not telling them would save them from that.

It is the opposite but my sister is there for me, and she knows about my plans. At first, she told me she did not know if she wanted me to tell her or lie to her. She came to the conclusion that she does want me to let her know though.

You sound like you have such a loving sister. Its a tough thing to know and deal with, so I hope if you ever go through with it that she will be with you (at least in spirit) in your final moments.

 

[Ardesevent]

I'd love to. When my mother committed suicide, I got no closure at all. One day I left to go to summer camp, and she was a corpse when I came back. All I got for closure was a email wishing me a nice day. I understand she probably hated me based off that email, but being able to say goodbye and at least try to understand as a kid would have been nice.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I think people who CTB say goodbye to those they love in their own way. I don't think goodbyes are always necessarily obvious to those left behind.

If they were to come right out & tell me they were going to CTB, while I would be curious about why, it wouldn't be my place to stop them- that is if they don't wish to be.

That's also true of course. And a very balanced way to look at it. I think I asked because for myself I would want to say goodbye to the people I really care about. In this case really just one person, but it would hurt immensely knowing I never got to say a proper goodbye. But I have no idea if they would appreciate that or not.

I'm not going to tell anyone because the risk of intervention is far too great. The last thing I want is cops breaking into my house on a "wellness check." Telling someone puts them in a sticky situation. They may feel guilty if they don't intervene. Why put that burden on them ? The better option imo is writing a suicide note via delayed send.

That is the biggest fear I think generally. I too am afraid of that. I mean really this all depends on a persons own personal situation, if they have someone close to them who supports them, or even knows about their state vs no friends or maybe just no one who really understands. That is definitely the safest approach though and usually guaranteed to not have any intrusions.

No. I feel that being told goodbye beforehand and being powerless to change the outcome would traumatize me.

I feel that way as well, despite wishing I would be strong enough to respect them. As someone else said, its a very difficult place to be. Only you can say whether or not you would be okay with it.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think I'd prefer it yeah, honestly I'd handle it way easier that way than if it came out of nowhere and happened out of the blue.

I hope that even if I really really care about them I'd be able to handle it by respecting their choice and not breaching the trust they have in me from disclosing such info to me in the first place by reporting them to the police or something.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I'd love to. When my mother committed suicide, I got no closure at all. One day I left to go to summer camp, and she was a corpse when I came back. All I got for closure was a email wishing me a nice day. I understand she probably hated me based off that email, but being able to say goodbye and at least try to understand as a kid would have been nice.

First, I'm sorry for your loss. Even tho this is an accepting place for suicide, suffering loss as a child is still traumatizing i think. I never had anything as serious as the suicide of a parent, but I can understand that its probably rougher than the "usual" loss.

I have no idea what your family dynamic was like, so I'm not going to say your mom didnt hate you. But I will say sometimes people will say (or not say) things because they think they are protecting that person. I can get that way sometimes. I act in other people's self interest and they think they've done something wrong, but really its not them. Its just me.

Lastly, I hope you are doing better. I know its a silly thing to say since you are on this website, but trauma sucks and I wish there were better ways to talk about/achieve suicide so that people would not have to be so traumatized. Death is (usually) always sad. I dont think that will change. But people deserve to be able to say goodbye, and their loved ones deserve to know why I think. I feel like society has created this catch 22 that prevents people from being honest and open about suicide, which just creates more trauma. Hopefully that will change in the future...

I think I'd prefer it yeah, honestly I'd handle it way easier that way than if it came out of nowhere and happened out of the blue.

I hope that even if I really really care about them I'd be able to handle it by respecting their choice and not breaching the trust they have in me by disclosing such info to me in the first place.

You sound like an awesome friend. I would hope i'd be that way too. We can never really know unfortunately until we're in that situation, and in a perfect world we never would be I think anyways. But I think we should all strive to be more understanding and empathetic to people who are suffering. Its really hard (for me at least) to do in practice though.

 

[sweetbraid]

I mean.... no? I don't think so? I think I'd be most upset if there wasn't some way to know why they did what they did. If a loved one killed themself and didn't write something to the people they're leaving behind on the day they die, just saying why, or sorry, or whatever, just something, then I'd be so confused. If they told me goodbye beforehand, I'm not sure it would feel fair. I'm not too certain what I'm saying lol. But then they tell me goodbye, and I get in the way of them doing whatever they're doing. Of course I would be sad, but at the end of the day, I can't control anything anyone else does. If someone I loved had thought so much about it, examined all their options, tried everything else, and was still miserable that they could only see the death of their physical body as a viable option, I'd be sad, but I'd respect their choice, as painful as it would be. And I believe I'll see them all again.

 

[lost_soul83]

A really close friend of mine committed suicide in 2000. I would love to have the chance to say goodbye to him beforehand. He meant so much to me. RIP Andy, you will always be loved and remembered.

 

[WornOutLife]

I would like to be told goodbye by letters or videos after that person has ctb.
I mean, if she just told me something like "tomorrow I'll ctb" i couldn't endure it and would try to save her. I'd be really anxious!

 

[stygal]

Yes, I am a person who needs closure. But only from (former) "loved" ones aka people that meant a lot to me at one point in time.

If it was just a distant friend I definitely respected the privacy that he or she had resorted to while making this difficult decision.

As for close friends and loved ones (as few as there were and are) I loved to know not only that they'll be going but also a bit more background and some form of why. I am 100 percent pro-choice so I definitely wouldn't stop them or try to come up with things I could have done to make them feel better...

but - I would need just a short note from them to really "end" that relationship and start a new chapter otherwise I'd definitely start overthinking too much and spiral down in some form of self-blame.

 

[happiestman]

Yes. definitely.

Before doing ctb If someone very close inform us directly means they trust us so much, if they are really serious abt their plan.

 

[NodusTollens]

That's also true of course. And a very balanced way to look at it. I think I asked because for myself I would want to say goodbye to the people I really care about. In this case really just one person, but it would hurt immensely knowing I never got to say a proper goodbye. But I have no idea if they would appreciate that or not.

HUGS. I hear you, it's such a tough decision to make. I want to say goodbye to someone, but I'm afraid they'll feel worse. How do you tell someone who's lost a family member to CTB, that you're also going to CTB?

That's why I said that people say goodbye in their own way, I can't possibly think of how one would say goodbye in a situation like that. :(

 

[grungeCat]

It's a hard question but yes. I'd like to hug them, kiss and tell that we would meet again soon.

 

[LastFlowers]

It wouldn't matter because they would not tell me either way, no one "close" to me is going to consider my existence, never mind my thoughts on their supposed suicide. I would be the last person they would give a shit about knowing or not. Ironically.

If it was anyone relative to me currently, I would not be a good audience for their problems as I already know I would trade mine for theirs in a heart beat and the type of suffering I've been through-for such an extended period of time-does lead to apathy. Which, to be fair, has resulted in due part from a similar apathy of others toward my own living hell.
If someone wants to lay their shit on me, then they better take on mine as well and allow me to speak.
But if all they wanted was to say it and not have to worry about someone calling the police on them, then I guess I would be the right person to tell. Even if the reason was ridiculous, I would simply say so, I would not call anyone to "save" them unless they explicitly told me to.

I would want to know, sure, I would want to say goodbye, but I don't think I would ever be afforded such a courtesy. I already know the consequences of trying to extend my own hand in that regard.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I suppose I would but I would understand if they didn't say anything

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I mean.... no? I don't think so? I think I'd be most upset if there wasn't some way to know why they did what they did. If a loved one killed themself and didn't write something to the people they're leaving behind on the day they die, just saying why, or sorry, or whatever, just something, then I'd be so confused. If they told me goodbye beforehand, I'm not sure it would feel fair. I'm not too certain what I'm saying lol. But then they tell me goodbye, and I get in the way of them doing whatever they're doing. Of course I would be sad, but at the end of the day, I can't control anything anyone else does. If someone I loved had thought so much about it, examined all their options, tried everything else, and was still miserable that they could only see the death of their physical body as a viable option, I'd be sad, but I'd respect their choice, as painful as it would be. And I believe I'll see them all again.

Yeah. I think it would be very jarring if it came out of nowhere. Sometimes I think I shouldnt even leave a note either. I tend to over explain and id probably just end up blaming people who aren't to blame.

Its more comforting if you believe in a positive afterlife or reincarnation I think. Death I think is less scary that way.

A really close friend of mine committed suicide in 2000. I would love to have the chance to say goodbye to him beforehand. He meant so much to me. RIP Andy, you will always be loved and remembered.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope he is at peace now and I hope you are doing alright. <3

I would like to be told goodbye by letters or videos after that person has ctb.
I mean, if she just told me something like "tomorrow I'll ctb" i couldn't endure it and would try to save her. I'd be really anxious!

I think thats the most natural response. Either because of biology or because of society. It seems like a responsibility almost. I never thought about leaving a video behind though. Thats an interesting idea, although idk if I could do that.

 

[woknows]

I would prefer to know and to be able to say goodbye.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Yes, I am a person who needs closure. But only from (former) "loved" ones aka people that meant a lot to me at one point in time.

If it was just a distant friend I definitely respected the privacy that he or she had resorted to while making this difficult decision.

As for close friends and loved ones (as few as there were and are) I loved to know not only that they'll be going but also a bit more background and some form of why. I am 100 percent pro-choice so I definitely wouldn't stop them or try to come up with things I could have done to make them feel better...

but - I would need just a short note from them to really "end" that relationship and start a new chapter otherwise I'd definitely start overthinking too much and spiral down in some form of self-blame.

I agree that for "distant" or just not close friends/family it would be even awkward I think if they decided to tell you. But closure is important to the mind and it can be very tragic if someone leaves without saying goodbye or even outlining why. As seen even here on this thread. I wish suicide was easier to talk about and accept. Maybe then we'd all get a little more closure.

HUGS. I hear you, it's such a tough decision to make. I want to say goodbye to someone, but I'm afraid they'll feel worse. How do you tell someone who's lost a family member to CTB, that you're also going to CTB?

That's why I said that people say goodbye in their own way, I can't possibly think of how one would say goodbye in a situation like that. :(

=) it really is a tough choice. In the end, he already knows everything anyways (except the newest method), I figure when the time comes I will just ask. "Would you want me to say something?" Maybe you could do something like that. If they dont know exactly how you feel, maybe pose the question about their lost loved one (in a sensitive way of course). If they would have wanted to say goodbye, or if that would have made it worse,

I think honestly most people dont know really. What they would prefer. I think deep down we all want to live, but we all want to live in a world that isn't reality. Not like some fantasy but some bad things just can't be erased or changed, either about yourself or others, or even philosophically. I think that can make this entire predicament more complicated and just causes more trauma. I wish there were easy outlined ways to go while minimizing the hurt.

It's a hard question but yes. I'd like to hug them, kiss and tell that we would meet again soon.

It helps to believe in something like that in these times. =)

It wouldn't matter because they would not tell me either way, no one "close" to me is going to consider my existence, never mind my thoughts on their supposed suicide. I would be the last person they would give a shit about knowing or not. Ironically.

If it was anyone relative to me currently, I would not be a good audience for their problems as I already know I would trade mine for theirs in a heart beat and the type of suffering I've been through-for such an extended period of time-does lead to apathy. Which, to be fair, has resulted in due part from a similar apathy of others toward my own living hell.
If someone wants to lay their shit on me, then they better take on mine as well and allow me to speak.
But if all they wanted was to say it and not have to worry about someone calling the police on them, then I guess I would be the right person to tell. Even if the reason was ridiculous, I would simply say so, I would not call anyone to "save" them unless they explicitly told me to.

I would want to know, sure, I would want to say goodbye, but I don't think I would ever be afforded such a courtesy. I already know the consequences of trying to extend my own hand in that regard.

100% I completely understand where you are coming from. I do have one person very close to me now, but before I met him I had no one and would not have told anyone or left any kind of note. And if anyone had told me (unlikely) that they would die I would not have cared. Apathy is a double edged sword. It saves you from emotions and pain but then nobody likes you. But you were disliked and ignored anyways which caused the apathy so like what does it matter?

I'm sorry your situation is like that. I know what it feels like (even if I dont exactly know how it feels to go what youve gone through) and I hope that if you ever decide to go that you find peace. Being alone was the worst thing for me. It still is. Living can be a cruel fate.

 

[suicidal-raven]

Yes, a goodbye would be best for me at least. I'd want to know I'm losing someone before they go.

 

[in hell out soon]

Yeah. I'd like them to leave me their note whilst I'm still asleep so they're already dead when I wake up.

as callous as that seems, my reasoning for this is that I'm a worrywart and a brooder. if I was awake I'd be given too much time to think about it if they're still alive, and I'd try my best to talk them down and keep them alive. (Despite being suicidal myself, all of my friends matter way more to me than I ever will. I'd give it a try and then dread the inevitable. I am not strong.)

It'd be too late bu the time I'm awake. Obviously I'd still be upset and still grieve and likely never forgive myself for being asleep then but I won't fall to magical thinking, which I'm prone to.

 

[Mentalmick]

Yes or write me a letter/note saying goodbye.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Yeah. I'd like them to leave me their note whilst I'm still asleep so they're already dead when I wake up.

as callous as that seems, my reasoning for this is that I'm a worrywart and a brooder. if I was awake I'd be given too much time to think about it if they're still alive, and I'd try my best to talk them down and keep them alive. (Despite being suicidal myself, all of my friends matter way more to me than I ever will. I'd give it a try and then dread the inevitable. I am not strong.)

It'd be too late bu the time I'm awake. Obviously I'd still be upset and still grieve and likely never forgive myself for being asleep then but I won't fall to magical thinking, which I'm prone to.

I understand. Its somewhat of a paradox I think, trying to save people while we are also wanting to die. One would think it would make us more accepting but thats not generally the case. I dont really get it myself...

Yes or write me a letter/note saying goodbye.

Its so hard to know what to do I think. You can't ask questions like "if I were to ever kill my self, would you like a note explaining why?" People respond in reactionary ways and probe and would never answer the heart of the question. It would be nice if we could know these things about people without adding on more stress.