Venting If im going to cut off ties with my friends to make them feel better

[LilGhost]

So…. I've been avoiding it, but ig I have to go down the route of: "As a final act of love, I'll make you hate me"

I'm deadass set on ctb, if everything is clear. - it's this week unless I'd get smth important to finish again or get to sick to go with the plan and will have to postpone once more

But I've been asking my friends to meet up for around a month. We didn't. I wanted to have one last good memory of me before I'm gone. I wanted someone to remember me in a good way and miss me. Ik that's selfish, but hey…. Can I be selfish at least with me death? Im already not harsh in ctb notes calming my friends down, instead of pouring my heart out, I thought I can get at least that

We didn't meet. Now I know that will cause them hella pain. Like…. They'd be seeing all signs they miss and regret they didn't pick up on them. They didn't spend as much time. So I fear I'll have to make up a fight with them and leave the group. So they won't look for me. Or they won't feel sad once I'm gone. I can't think of a better way to solve it, tho I am a bit of a coward and selfish to cut them off and I don't have it in my heart to be super mean so…. Illl just do my best ig.

I just fucking hate it. I wish I could be saved. I wish they'd notice my pain. I wish they'd see me. I wish I didn't have to put others first. But I am already kinda dead person walking, might as well act in a favor for those alive

 

[iwkmsssb]

I understand all too well about the feeling of being brushed off even though you really wanna meet up. sometimes people really don't see how much you're struggling until it's too late. you are a very kind person for thinking about others even during this hard time, and to spare the guilt they will feel. i hope things will be easier for you stranger.