If I were to commit suicide right now, it’d be extremely selfish and manipulative

[Water-Lily]

Many things trigger my suicidality. Facing my childhood trauma, the abuse from my brother/family, and a lack of motivation in getting better. But if I killed myself for those reasons it's be a "fuck you" to myself. At the very least I deserve to taste some freedom after life cursed me with a fucked family. I deserve to give the best adult life possible to myself. Ending my journey here would just give back power to those who hurt me

Then, it's also be partly out of revenge. I feel so out power with an inner desire to hurt those who hurt me, I have thought about killing myself to hurt them. I know the words to write. I know how I could affect certain people if I tried. But that is extremely fucked up. No matter the anger, passing on that kind of trauma through suicide is extremely selfish and abusive. And most of all, I hurt myself. I'm the one who will be dead. I will have no justice

Best thing I can do is try to live for now, and if I decide to suicide it'd have to be solely for me

I also think about killing myself because of who I am. Being raised in a toxic environment means developing toxic behaviors. It's inevitable. I know I am capable of being abusive, manipulative, toxic, cold, etc. I have lashed out and hurt others, refused to take responsibility, threw adult tantrums, and ruined relationships beyond repair. Killing myself now would be the ultimate fuck you. Running away from my responsibilities and consequences. The cowards way out.

I have to do better. I have to take action and responsibility for my life. I'm already an adult and whatever choices I make is on me. Not because of my shitty family, trauma, or whatever. Me. I have to own myself

I start working next week. I have to put in my all and take responsibility for my actions going forward. The blame game is off limits

 

[AtMostOkay]

Good luck with your new job, and congratulations. It's so very daunting, taking the steps toward independence. Now go get that life they robbed you of, and live it with grace. There with you in spirit xoxo

 

[Water-Lily]

Good luck with your new job, and congratulations. It's so very daunting, taking the steps toward independence. Now go get that life they robbed you of, and live it with grace. There with you in spirit xoxo
I sometimes question if I deserve it, and if after 15+ years of abuse will it even be possible. With so much damage and so much to heal, what is even possible after so much damage and trauma?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that you have been through, I can imagine that it must have been awful. This life is so cruel and unfair. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[AtMostOkay]

Good luck with your new job, and congratulations. It's so very daunting, taking the steps toward independence. Now go get that life they robbed you of, and live it with grace. There with you in spirit xoxo
I sometimes question if I deserve it, and if after 15+ years of abuse will it even be possible. With so much damage and so much to heal, what is even possible after so much damage and trauma?

A lot is possible, but not without struggle. Our damage heals, but with big purple scars sometimes. You deserve every happiness, friend.

 

[NoLightRemains]

Sounds like

Good luck with your new job, and congratulations. It's so very daunting, taking the steps toward independence. Now go get that life they robbed you of, and live it with grace. There with you in spirit xoxo
I sometimes question if I deserve it, and if after 15+ years of abuse will it even be possible. With so much damage and so much to heal, what is even possible after so much damage and trauma?

You really won't know what's possible until you try for yourself. If you've never been able to give independence a good solid chance, it could be what you need to begin to heal. I hope things start to improve for you as you begin your new job.

 

[Water-Lily]

A lot is possible, but not without struggle. Our damage heals, but with big purple scars sometimes. You deserve every happiness, friend.

I'll see. I'm not very hopeful of my future. Feels very limited. But if I do suicide I want it to be for me. At that point I'd be more at peace with my decision if I decide to go that route

Sounds like

You really won't know what's possible until you try for yourself. If you've never been able to give independence a good solid chance, it could be what you need to begin to heal. I hope things start to improve for you as you begin your new job.

Hopefully. We'll see I guess

 

[Area Man]

I mean, does that bother you? I would say the most you can do if you cannot cope anymore is write a note saying you don't mean for your death to be used against anyone and it's your own choice. What transpires before doesn't really matter when you are suicidal, you're intent on jettisoning everything.