Venting If I was alone I'd do it

[somethingsmthgirl]

If I was on my own in this world and still had two meters of rope, I'm sure I'd be dead within the next 12 hours. I'd find a hotel, lock myself in the bathroom, put my note on the door so the staff doesn't see my body, and I'd be done. I'd have no regrets and no misgivings.

But I'm not on my own. I have and have had a strong network of connections through my life and my depression, a network of people that love me very deeply and would be horribly traumatized by my suicide. I don't want them to hurt.

This is as classic a dilemma as ever. I have to choose between myself and those I love, a choice I make every 24 hours when the sun goes down and I have the cover of night in which to move. So far, I have only chosen that love. But when is it enough? Do I continue until ripe old age, the whole time having lived a miserable lie? Or do I bite the bullet and throw my family and friends into hell?

I feel like there's something I'm missing in all this. There's probably a million things I'm missing. I don't fear death and I fear dying no less than I fear living. And, of course, I know I wouldn't be there to see my loved ones suffer. Why does none of that resolve this conflict? It seems like I'm waiting for something, either for a life-affirming epiphany that will give me the vitality I need to endure, or a horrible trauma that will hurt me so badly I cannot possibly endure.

Until then, I'm just... in between. I feel there's an implicit agony in the choice itself. Perhaps the more the choice is reiterated, the more that pain compounds. Maybe someday I will have had enough. But until then... I'm just in between.

I know no one here can tell me what to do in this regard. It's not my place to ask for direction; this is exclusively my life and my burden. But, even stil, I find myself wishing someone could give me the encouragement to tell myself, "It's okay."

 

[ungodly]

i wish there was more i could say to comfort or reassure(?) you, but as far back as i can remember, i've been the same way. i'm not gonna tout all that "UR NEVER ALONE! DON'T GIVE UP!" bs at you because you deserve to be heard, but ur truly not alone in feeling like this right now and i can't blame you for considering either option.

both choices feel equally painful in a lot of areas and its hard not to feel like you're being forced to weigh out your options. its fucking painful but at the same time you get numb to having to fight that battle so often. its a blessing and a curse having people in your life you love so deeply and even though i don't know the full story, i can't blame you for being pushed to this point. i won't advocate for you hurting or killing yourself since it goes against my moral compass completely but i'd be a liar if i didn't say i know how it feels.

for what its worth you're in my thoughts man, i know how much it hurts and wish you the easiest way forward.

 

[SoulCage]

I have to choose between myself and those I love, a choice I make every 24 hours when the sun goes down and I have the cover of night in which to move. So far, I have only chosen that love.

It seems like I'm waiting for something, either for a life-affirming epiphany that will give me the vitality I need to endure, or a horrible trauma that will hurt me so badly I cannot possibly endure.

Until then, I'm just... in between. I feel there's an implicit agony in the choice itself. Perhaps the more the choice is reiterated, the more that pain compounds. Maybe someday I will have had enough. But until then... I'm just in between.

I feel your pain, because I am in the same situation. You have put my thoughts into words perfectly and so I want to thank you for that.
It's true, probably no one can tell you what to do other than keep going like before. Continue playing the waiting game.

In my life I have made the decision to try out every recovery options that society has to offer - with the intention to show the results to the people in my life as "proof" that I really tried to get better, but nothing in our current timeline worked for me. To make them understand that it was the only way to end my suffering and make it easier to remember me as someone who didn't want to suffer anymore. That I died from a terminal illness rather than "desperation".

How will they know? Obviously, I won't announce to them that I plan to die, most people don't want to believe that I tried everything while I am still alive. I will tell them through my notes. One person in particular has been with me the whole process, so they know exactly what I tried "to get better".

So in my case .. this is currently the route that I try to tip the scale towards choosing myself (and not others).
But your circumstances might be different and therefore not an option. It might even not work in my case, it's still in progress.. but it kinda keeps me going right now - gives me a potential end date in the near future. And who knows, maybe one recovery try will actually give me back my vitality. Or some idea how to endure life more easily... That would be nice.

WIsh you best of luck...