Venting If I fail my attempt will I will come off as manipulative.

[futurebuscatcher]

I'm so anxious about attempting cause I know I will fail. I will send out my suicide letters in case I actually manage to but SI will kick in or I fuck up the method and then what.

It doesn't help that I have Bipolar/Manic depression and probably some fucking form of personality disorder or Dysthymia which is basically seen as "Bad Person Disorder" and everyone with it has a shitty rep cause of it.

If I fail it's just gonna add to that. That I decided to send those letters out knowing I'll fail or something. Then I'm just gonna come off as attention seeking or manipulative and miserable. Then what.

I admit I do crave some form of attention and validation and passively thought about doing something extreme for it, but acting on it is unfair and pretty fucked up. Besides, putting yourself in a situation where you actually could die is just a dumb way to do it. Plus the attention you'd get from it wouldn't really feel good anyways.

I don't know what to do. If I fail people will see me different and they'll hate me. I'll feel like I manipulated them into caring.

I mean I think I'll fail. I never hung myself before and plan to experiment, but even then shouldn't I send out my letters just in case? I don't know man I hate these shitty disorders.

Am I being manipulative?? Does this come across super fucked up?? Please give it to me straight and tell me how to fix it if it's a yes.

 

[metothemoon]

I really can relate to what you are writing. Do not have a clear or helpful answer. Even talking about being suicidal feels like attention seeking and I am just making things worse than they are. Do not know what to do either..

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I don't see this as manipulative; you're hurting and crying out for help.

 

[Reflection]

I kind of used to feel the same way, but what I think is the following: even if does not come off as manipulative, the moment it ends well and people know you're safe they won't give a fuck anymore...if someone genuinely cares about you then they will show it, and won't cause you to feel the need to go to such an extreme way for them to care, so I think that once a person decides to attempt they should definitely not give a damn about what anyone would think of them, because chances are they won't react in a caring way until it actually succeeds (and calling that useless would be an understatement) , also usually it's just guilt not genuine feelings of loss unless they're family.

To me suicide is a last resort act of self-love to end one's pain, nothing less, nothing more.