Sorry you went through that. Traumatizing on a level that most people can't even imagine is what first comes to mind. Torture is a word that gets used too much to describe some of the most mundane things like not having morning coffee, working a double shift, or having to wait in line at the dmv. All of that brings down the real meaning of the word imo.
Anyway, for someone that does know what it us to be tortured, I would think drawing on those memories would fuel any plans to ctb. Kind of like dumping gasoline on a fire. I also believe it's not a gos idea to do that, it makes it a rash act and will have a greater chance of failure or other things could go wrong you aren't thinking of. That's also just my opinion
Was was you went through physical? Why do you think therapy isn't working? Maybe it is but it's a process and takes time, it's gradual and maybe you just haven't had the single impact? Idk, never been to therapy myself, I suck at talking to people but i can type it out to people that don't know me lol
