Venting If I don't succeed I will certainly end myself come summer

[ToTheEgress]

I started college quite late, after screwing up most of the first half of my 20s. I've never done particularly well, I study computer science, and I feel less and less passion for the subject. A large factor in why I chose it was because I've never really liked my country, and I figured this would give me the best chance to move abroad, probably by working freelance. I would have preferred to become a lawyer but that is probably the most restrictive career choice there is. But changes in the industry, or me just not being that good at this might make all of this for naught.

I've been wanting to kill myself at least since I was 20. I've planned out methods since then, I was at one point planning to use chloroquine, which could be fairly easily acquired as aquarium supplies at the time, but this is way less accessible nowadays. I later planned on using CO through burning charcoal, and right now it's between this or SN, if I can get that and some antiemetics.

Anyway, if I end up failing a large portion of my classes by the end of next semester, I will end up killing myself sometime in the summer. At that point I will be in a huge dead end since I'll be unemployable but with a bunch of debt from my studies. It feels kinda good to know that I can just end it all when I really need to.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel relieved at having plans to leave this existence, I wish you the best in whatever happens.