If I could go back in time, I'd kill myself earlier

[GiveUp]

My ctb date was the day before my birthday in Feb. Something came up that I didnt do it, I needed to stay alive for a few days. Then the covid lockdown came and I dont want to do it during the pandemic so i regret not doing it back in Feb the night before my birthday. At the moment I'm on borrowed time.

 

[Time]

Absolutely. Been planning since like September. Kept overthinking (as usual), kept thinking of things that might make my death easier in my loved ones. Now with the Covid & the economic crisis, as per my usual, it looks like I should have done it much sooner. Wanted to ctb in a hotel so my parents wouldn't find me but I don't know if I will or even should wait until that's an option.

 

[Erase.myself]

I wish I was successful when I tried to ctb 16 years ago (now 32). I wish my connect had not given me Narcan to bring me back after I OD on heroin in 2016. I wish I would have died at birth like I was supposed to. I wish...I wish...things "got better" like people said to me. It's doesn't. And it won't.

 

[muffin222]

I feel the same. I wish I would have done it at earlier times when I was much more desperate and less analytical about the whole process.

 

[faust]

I did some mistakes recently. I had not started working before all this corona mess started. Now I can't find a job. Even if I was hired, I would get money which eventually could make me able to travel and get N.
I am stuck between life and death.
Every day I have a different opinion whether I had to CTB earlier or did not have to.
Now it seems to me that then it would be a better time, but a bad place. My parents controlled every step of my life, so even bringing home a rope didn't imply success because it would be found and I didn't have my own room.
If I died then, I would not do all the mistakes and my mental health would not be so bad.
I went too far. I can't go on.