needwaytohell
Member
- Apr 2, 2025
- 60
TLDR I might be suffering from heart disease probably as a result of my traumatized days in life. I can't tell if I am hallucinating or if it's real but I wish it's real. Ever since the dark days of life I've always prayed that I just take my last breath in my sleep it's like a dream come true. Recently I have been noticing I'm a lot tireder than usual despite no major schedule changes and a decent diet (I can take any amount of pain pretend to the world it's normal and come back home and cry). If someday even before my official CTB I pass away I'm sorry I couldn't contribute anything back here. Didn't consult a doctor yet as I am scared he'd cure it or put a huge financial burden on my family. I just hope whatever happens I find peace.
What makes me say that I have heart disease is I think except for few symptoms every box is checked out on google I have been sleeping a lot more usually I used to take 3-4 hours of sleep and a tight espresso would make my day manageable as I'm extremely sensitive to caffeine. Now when I do such stuff I straight up throw up and feel sober. Sometimes very frequently my shoulder pains (I am relatively healthy and do work out not overweight just mentally disturbed) and my heart skipping beats. It get's a lot worse on few days where I feel dizzy.
I don't know whatever my life is I feel like everything about me is fake every social engagement irl , every "it's ok" even though no one would be ok with it, betrayals and fun behind my back when I am locked into doing something interesting. hope someday it is all over I genuinely can't take it.
just know if I am not online for multiple months something else might have happened (a natural cause) and if I want to quit CTB'ing I'd be upfront about it to community.
What makes me say that I have heart disease is I think except for few symptoms every box is checked out on google I have been sleeping a lot more usually I used to take 3-4 hours of sleep and a tight espresso would make my day manageable as I'm extremely sensitive to caffeine. Now when I do such stuff I straight up throw up and feel sober. Sometimes very frequently my shoulder pains (I am relatively healthy and do work out not overweight just mentally disturbed) and my heart skipping beats. It get's a lot worse on few days where I feel dizzy.
I don't know whatever my life is I feel like everything about me is fake every social engagement irl , every "it's ok" even though no one would be ok with it, betrayals and fun behind my back when I am locked into doing something interesting. hope someday it is all over I genuinely can't take it.
just know if I am not online for multiple months something else might have happened (a natural cause) and if I want to quit CTB'ing I'd be upfront about it to community.
