If an abuser (a partner) recognizes they are abusive is it on them to leave the relationship?

[trying ungracefully]

This question got asked to me and I have an answer but I am thinking more on it. Let me know your thoughts.

 

[U. A.]

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[saintleftbygod]

i dont know this is to complex for my febel pea brain

 

[eggsausagerice]

yes lol. if they're aware they're being abusive they shouldn't continue hurting a person that's either too scared or too kind to leave the relationship themselves. i saw myself as toxic for constantly being afraid my friend likes his friends more than me because i had no one else, so i left, even if he wanted me to stay "to make it work". if a problem persists and i see myself as a problem then i'm going to leave so they can be happier. i think it's kinder than staying and making their life worse.

 

[hurts2b]

It's on them to stop abusing.

How that happens is up to both them and the victim in question. It can involve leaving all together, distancing from each other without fully separating from each other, or the just stopping the abusive behavior.

It just depends on the situation and the extent of the trauma inflicted.

 

[Asya]

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[Pluto]

 

[wine is fine but]

the person being abused has to leave the moment the abuse starts

very hard to do, i know, but with each time abuse happens, it becomes more and more impossible to leave

if anyone, especially girls receive physical abuse from a partner, get the hell out of there. if you stay, you could become trapped in your own prison

 

[violetforever]

yes but i wont let them.

 

[Forveleth]

People above mentioned the abuser changing their ways, and they should, but as far as leaving the relationship, that is definitely on the other person. Each person is ultimately responsible for their own health, safety, and happiness in a relationship. If someone recognizes their partner is not good for them, it is their own responsibility to take care of themselves whatever that may look like.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Very complicated question. In a perfect world, the abuser recognizes their abusive tendencies, seeks professional help and never sins again, resulting in the relationship going forward stronger and healthier than ever. However, most abusers don't have epiphanies, but assuming they do, the victims tend not to want the abuser to leave. A quick search suggests that 2/3's of victims of domestic violence will return to the abuser - and 97% of those victims will return multiple times.

I also differentiate between types of abuse. Verbal? Physical? Daily? Hourly? Weekly? Kids involved? Sideways criticism vs. exceptionally cruel statements?

I don't believe all abusers need to leave a relationship if they truly recognize their abusive tendencies and have a good faith commitment to getting better....or better yet, leave, get help and prove that they have changed. My problem is I don't actually believe the vast majority of abusers have such self-discovery. They will use their abusive tendencies to play victim, and any mea culpa tends to be used for control purposes. I realize my view is pessimistic but abusive relationships have the most complicated dynamics. For me the clearest example of that is a story from my uncle when I was about 15 or so: He was in a bar, saw a guy hit a woman, and my uncle started kicking the crap out of the guy; next thing he knows, he feels a "clunk" and things start going black. Turns out the victim hit him in the head with a large bottle of win (think moon-shine jug). He still had the scar until the day he passed.