IDK

[eternalbliss22]

IDK why I'm posting. Guess it's because I've got no one I can talk to. I've got plans to ctb in a manner that could prevent my body from being found. Problem is I can't openly discuss without risking intervention. Also, my attempts in past to plan it out have faltered. My best tries were spur of the moment. There's a chance that natural causes might happen. Nonetheless, I have no place in this world. I've failed & all know & will not let me be. Lost my job. Trouble keeping work due to outside interference. No matter where I go, harassment follows. Either get harassed & ran off or I let get to me until I react. I know I'm responsible for my actions, but what of the consequences of other people actions? I want to relocate, but afraid that wouldn't even help. What hope do I have against so many. Only hope I have is death. When I was younger I had little regard for people who tried to commit suicide. Thought of them as cowards & attention seekers. I don't think that anymore. Now I hold people that have committed Sue E Side in high regards. To overcome SI & complete it takes strength of will & courage. I'm still a failure at it. It took my brother 11 years to do it. Been about 6 for me. 2 serious attempts & a few half hearted or testing methods. As my future options dwindle, the closer I'm there. My brother had another brother to help talk out, but that same brother turned his back on me when I turned to him. Blood & family are two completely different things. Normal people will at least try talking to or some kind of confrontation when someone is going done wrong path. My blood chooses attacks, games & manipulation out of sadistic enjoyment. Hindsight is 20/20. My situation started about 35 years ago when I chose to err on the side to protect my niece & nephews (oldest about 4) & left authorities investigate my mother's accusation of pedophilia than to let the "family" handle rather if he did it &/or punishment. Following Thanksgiving, while he stayed with me he attacked me & my girlfriend called 911. I kicked him out. I now know he started a campaign against me. I knew he had taken some pictures & lied at that time about what happened, but thought nothing of it. I do believe this is how it all started, but far more are involved for their own sadistic pleasure. IDK if my plan to ctb & hide my body will work. Honestly, after it happens I won't give a shit about what happens to my body cause I will no longer exist. While alive I find it comforting to think about disappearing without a trace. The coolest would be being ground up & fed to my cats. To be absorbed into them, providing nourishment even after death. Funny how the reverse of that is repulsive. I'm not vegan, but I can't what I know.