Venting Identity dysphoria

[Coffeandamug]

First, concerning the term "dysphoria", I just would like claim that I am using this term loosely here. I am not referring to gender dysphoria, though I would like to draw metaphorical parallels concerning my feelings and that condition. I didn't go to college when I Was Eighteen or seventeen. I couldn't for reasons that I don't want to explain.And this, for an unknown reason, just breaks me. The pain I feel for not having this on my "identity" is so, so imense. I wish so bad that I could go back that I unconsciously try to look like an younger version of me. Wishing to cut my hair like a gen Z or trying their mannerisms. I don't actually do it because it would be ridiculous and creepy, to say the least. Now I am Living my worst nightmare; I went back to college and my school room is filled with babies. I am the oldest and I know less than them. I Can't phantom becoming friends with them because it would be so, so creepy for me to be honest about one of the things that literally has defined the past 6 years of my life. I really think that you can learn at any age, that you can go to college at any age. Please, understand that this post is not me saying that. This is a visceral wish for an identity. It doesn't have to do with college or the course. No, it is just the wish to be someone doing college at Eighteen. And as this can't happen anymore... I think this is the end. Nobody understands me, I know this is difficult to digest. I wish I was different. But that's it. I am killing myself because I can't be that, because I can't have that specific identity. This is why I am calling it a "dysphoria". Because it is a deep, constant desire for that identity. Again, nothing to do with college, the course, or other stuff. I don't know why I am so, so obsessed with this for so long. I personally think it is ridiculous and creepy... but it is the way I feel.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[rationaltake]

I get it. You feel how you feel. Like me you can't have what you want. It hurts.

 

[agate]

I don't know how old you are, but if that's you in your avatar you look like a baby to me
I will be 50 this year. Yes FIFTY. At this point I have come to fully accept that, in fact it's great , 50 year sentence already behind me!
We all age, it's part of life. Even objects become antiques.
Would you really want to be younger just to repeat those years ? Or is it from shame , mistakes made ?
Look at why you're feeling this way to address it.

 

[Coffeandamug]

I don't know how old you are, but if that's you in your avatar you look like a baby to me
I will be 50 this year. Yes FIFTY. At this point I have come to fully accept that, in fact it's great , 50 year sentence already behind me!
We all age, it's part of life. Even objects become antiques.
Would you really want to be younger just to repeat those years ? Or is it from shame , mistakes made ?
Look at why you're feeling this way to address it.

I am a concious that with a little effort I can "pass" superficially as a younger person (it's me in the picture). But I see it as a part of the problem... it's just a performance that reinforces the cycle. There are things in life that I really enjoy and I would really love to accept me as I am. I've really tried many times... and I've been trying therapy and psychiatrists for 4 years. But the desire is still there... some days weaker, some days so strong that I cry to the point of losing my breath. I hope there's a way to accept this... but I am also gay and I kind of have had it with myself trying to change me in the past... I tried so much to be different... but it just doesn't work. But they are different things... maybe there's a way to not feel this desire anymore... and thanks for the words agate!

I get it. You feel how you feel. Like me you can't have what you want. It hurts.

It is exactly that. This hurts so much that I have questioned many times why do I even want this... and I don't know why I want this... but the pain is there, every single day, to show me that I do.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you for the kind words!

 

[come to dust]

May I ask, is this the sole reason for your suicidal feelings or are there others?

 

[whatevs]

Hmmm, I guess what you are trying to say is that you are now out of flow with how the expected chain of events should have been, no? Yes, life is pretty hard. A minor misstep can become a chasm in the blink of an eye. But I don't know, not everyone finds a sense of life being acceptable from having a normal life...

 

[Superdeterminist]

Interesting...I can definitely understand and relate to that. I had to return to university as an older student after initially dropping out and whilst I'm more relaxed about it now (I think mainly because I'm almost finished), it was definitely unpleasant and I hated being so much older, it was embarrassing and I felt like I didn't belong.

Another thing, which is perhaps similar: I feel a strong kind of distress about certain celebrities when I see them "living it up" as they tend to do with their wealth and strong social networks. It's a really potent kind of unpleasant feeling and it lingers for a while. It tends to exacerbate my suicidal urges a lot. I feel like I want to be one of them and knowing I'll never be, is crushing.

 

[eryu]

I've thought about this before. I see trans people talking about how even small details reminding them of physical/mental attributes of their birth sex will send them spiraling...
I noticed similarities with how I am bowled over by various things (sometimes just small details) that remind me of the gap between how I see myself (or what I wish for myself) and what my whole experience is and has been.
Wish I could think of an example but nothing comes to mind right away and right now it's making me feel ill even to try.

 

[Coffeandamug]

I've thought about this before. I see trans people talking about how even small details reminding them of physical/mental attributes of their birth sex will send them spiraling...
I noticed similarities with how I am bowled over by various things (sometimes just small details) that remind me of the gap between how I see myself (or what I wish for myself) and what my whole experience is and has been.
Wish I could think of an example but nothing comes to mind right away and right now it's making me feel ill even to try.

I can relate to your description... these days have been difficult, guess it might always be for someone like me (or maybe us, but I guess I should speak only for myself).

May I ask, is this the sole reason for your suicidal feelings or are there others?

This is the one that, sentimentally speaking, hits me the hardest. But there are also other reasons. Me being not independent from my family economically without hopes of becoming so, loneliness, lack of purpose...but I'd say that what I described is the main one. I really feel a strong daily disgust towards being who I am.

 

[come to dust]

I can relate to your description... these days have been difficult, guess it might always be for someone like me (or maybe us, but I guess I should speak only for myself).

This is the one that, sentimentally speaking, hits me the hardest. But there are also other reasons. Me being not independent from my family economically without hopes of becoming so, loneliness, lack of purpose...but I'd say that what I described is the main one. I really feel a strong daily disgust towards being who I am.

Funnily enoigh I'd be happier had I not gone to university at 18. It was a stressful time for me, a waste of money, and i got no good friends or career opportunities out of it.