At the present time I am desperately in need of any kind of guidance or suggestions for what could potentially be done to work past self loathing and guilt of I have towards myself. I've not really been a religious kinda person in my life, but I'm open to it. I want to do something else with my life, I want to try and make atonement for the people I have blindly hurt in my past while being strung out on drugs and alcohol, to find help for the crazy sexual dysfunction and desires I've experienced before and receive treatment. I have really fucked up fantasies and I'm scared by them and I live a life of guilt and fear over the taboo things I have fantasized and done in the past. I feel like punishment from my own hands would be a fitting solution, but I also want to make my life right, or at least where I don't wake up every day wanting to ctb from feeling like there's no redemption for me and the world wants me gone. It might sound cliche that I perceive the world like that around me but I really haven't had any guidance about major issues in my life and the problems I've faced alone. I'm a grown man now, but a lot of the time I feel like a child in my mind, not knowing in the slightest what is good or bad and what is appropriate for choices concerning the issues I haven't had any trusted guidance. I feel damaged and that if there is no real "help"for me, what would be the appropriate course of action to get past the fear I have to appropriate a method for ending myself. I'm tired of fear, I'm sick of self loathing, I want change. At this point, the living or dying thing has taken the back seat to the bigger issues. Am I truly without help or redemption, can there be any helping me?
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WhatPowerIs
Paragon
- Jun 19, 2022
- 958
I wish I could offer you advice and ideas and things of that nature but I am working through a lot of the very same issues myself. I think you will find a lot of people on the forum have come here with a lot of the same issues that you have, and they may be further along in recovery than the both of us too so they may have some ideas. I will make a comment, for your last point, no, I do not think you are truly without help or redemption, you can be helped and the best part is is that you have come to the recovery forum to seek it. Hopefully my reply is enough to bump the thread so other people can see it, I know some people on the forum who can offer you spiritual solutions if you are looking for that since you said you are open to religion.
I don't believe anyone who truly wants it is ever without redemption
You mentioned that you might be open to religion, so I will share my own experience.
In regard to feeling bad about what I had done wrong and seeking redemption, I had found most Christian denominations not very useful in dealing with real issues. I looked at other religions and found them even more lacking. Slowly I worked my way back to Christianity and found that once one got past all the poor ways it is presented, there really was something of value.
The illustration of two Christians meeting in heaven can be used to represent the full awareness of all the bad things the two did to each other and even worse all of the good things left undone. One might think that each would be overwhelmed by their shame and grief. However, transcending all of that is the overriding recognition that everything has all be forgiven by the work of Christ on the cross. Being able to trust in and find comfort in forgiveness can make this life so much better.
I put up a web site for those who have had bad church experiences or may not even know much about Christianity. It is not very good and only reflects my limited understanding, but I rest in the fact that I do not have to be perfect and have already been forgiven.
http://christianpioneer.com/
In regard to feeling bad about what I had done wrong and seeking redemption, I had found most Christian denominations not very useful in dealing with real issues. I looked at other religions and found them even more lacking. Slowly I worked my way back to Christianity and found that once one got past all the poor ways it is presented, there really was something of value.
The illustration of two Christians meeting in heaven can be used to represent the full awareness of all the bad things the two did to each other and even worse all of the good things left undone. One might think that each would be overwhelmed by their shame and grief. However, transcending all of that is the overriding recognition that everything has all be forgiven by the work of Christ on the cross. Being able to trust in and find comfort in forgiveness can make this life so much better.
I put up a web site for those who have had bad church experiences or may not even know much about Christianity. It is not very good and only reflects my limited understanding, but I rest in the fact that I do not have to be perfect and have already been forgiven.
http://christianpioneer.com/
Cathy Ames
Cautionary Tale
- Mar 11, 2022
- 2,105
Hi! I do NOT think you are without hope or redemption. Also as I read through your post, I couldn't help thinking that you were basically describing working the 12 Steps (as in Alcoholics Anonymous and the other similar programs).
I hadn't thought of it that way, I mean I have completed dual diagnosis treatment for drugs and alcohol and mental health but the mental health aspect only went so far it taught me good methods of CBT therapy and some of worked in it's own way, but my trust issues and how they relate to seeking/utilizing/trusting a councilor or therapist to talk with has always been the biggest issue for me
Cathy Ames
Cautionary Tale
- Mar 11, 2022
- 2,105
Did your treatment include working the steps? I ask because one person I know informed me with complete sincerity that the 12 steps (at least as THEY started to do them, while in rehab) were for the sole purpose of keeping you busy while you detox. That's not actually true. LOL.
Therapy and 12-step programs are complementary to each other. Some people do both. One person I know did AA because they couldn't afford therapy.
I just thought I would mention it.
I can see where the steps could be utilized to "keep you busy"while doing the program, but no the one I participated in wasn't fully based in AA or na, but it did refer to the steps and I worked certain steps in the out of program AA meetings nearby. In truth, most of the steps were mostly unrealistic for me and I didn't want to enter into something that was supposed to help me, but have such stringent rules that I knew I really couldn't align with. The totality of both programs just wasn't for me. However, most of the core concepts were very applicable.
Cathy Ames
Cautionary Tale
- Mar 11, 2022
- 2,105
That's interesting. Well, if you already know it won't work for you, then never mind. I still have the sincere opinion that you're not beyond "redemption." Seeing that a problem exists and wanting to change are definitely the first steps (in the non-12-step sense). TBH, I'm trying to figure out what the "stringent rules" are, but we don't have to keep talking about this.
Believe in forgiveness as a concept. People who can do evil can do good. A person may not be good for everyone, but they can be good for someone. People are not always forgiving. This is the sad truth. Sometimes they don't want to even hear from you. But, the world is wide. There is space to avoid people you don't get along with. If there are no legal problems, then the past can stay in the past. We move on and change in life. If you feel guilt, then it shows that you're actually good enough to be forgiven and move on.
Sometimes we can't fix a problem or build back bridges we have burned. The good news is that none of it is life defining. It is merely a part of life. Many times, we need professional counseling or help to learn to love ourselves and experience the non judgemental environment that allows us to see ourselves differently through the caring eyes of another person.
I'm sorry for your pain. I want to end my own life because my regrets haunt me. I worry that there is no future that won't be tainted by my past. I can't even remember everything due to alcohol and my mental illness. I constantly worry that something from the past will come back to hurt me even though there is no sign that will ever happen. I wish someone would tell me it's all alright. I wish I could believe that things will be fine. Sadly, I'm beginning to think that I can't. Even if the battle is lost for me, I still hold out hope that it can be different for others. I hope you find peace within yourself. To even ask the question means there is a little light left within you that deserves to live on.
I wish you peace.
Sometimes we can't fix a problem or build back bridges we have burned. The good news is that none of it is life defining. It is merely a part of life. Many times, we need professional counseling or help to learn to love ourselves and experience the non judgemental environment that allows us to see ourselves differently through the caring eyes of another person.
I'm sorry for your pain. I want to end my own life because my regrets haunt me. I worry that there is no future that won't be tainted by my past. I can't even remember everything due to alcohol and my mental illness. I constantly worry that something from the past will come back to hurt me even though there is no sign that will ever happen. I wish someone would tell me it's all alright. I wish I could believe that things will be fine. Sadly, I'm beginning to think that I can't. Even if the battle is lost for me, I still hold out hope that it can be different for others. I hope you find peace within yourself. To even ask the question means there is a little light left within you that deserves to live on.
I wish you peace.
Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to consider and reply to them. What you shared about yourself sounds really close to the situation I'm going through. Not to say that misery loves company, but it's kinda nice to know I'm not the only one to face the feelings I have at the moment
Pluto
Meowing to go out
- Dec 27, 2020
- 3,852
I have a background in the practical aspects of Eastern spirituality, near-death studies and some New Age. I have made a dedicated thread summarising my research, which might give you an idea of whether it resonates. It sounds like you are being troubled by intrusive thoughts regarding the past.
For many people, a more mainstream Christian church is the best bet because it brings many practical benefits - community, friendships, culture, moral boundaries and a simple structure of beliefs regarding the bigger picture of life. Others, myself included, prefer a hardline truth-seeking approach with direct experience of the divine and ego death the ultimate goal. If I can help, I'm always happy to respond to questions.
For many people, a more mainstream Christian church is the best bet because it brings many practical benefits - community, friendships, culture, moral boundaries and a simple structure of beliefs regarding the bigger picture of life. Others, myself included, prefer a hardline truth-seeking approach with direct experience of the divine and ego death the ultimate goal. If I can help, I'm always happy to respond to questions.
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