suysayd
Member
- Sep 9, 2021
- 10
Disclaimer: This will be written possibly in bad english, not with the correct verbs and all that. I'm not americano nor am i a Sir or a kangaroo. Thank you!
Phase 1: HOW IT "FEELS"
I feel nothing about anything. It's empty. No feelings, no emotions. But somehow i am on the edge of
a psychological nuclear blast. It's building up to something and it's getting more and more unbearable.
So that's a feeling right? Then why i say i have no feelings? What am i talking about?
I can't make sense of this. Sometimes i feel like i cracked the code, the secret to everything. There is something
I know for sure. I'm faking everything. Every single piece of interaction with someone or even with myself in my head.
"How are you?" i get asked. If there is a word to describe instant even more instant i will use it here
cause that's how much it takes for "me" to come up to the surface and fake the conversation. I won't say what the answer to that question is
because it doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it's not real. It doesn't feel real. Come tell me the worst news in the world
you can think of. I won't care about it. Or even the best news. Same outcome. I don't know how to react, or actually i do
know, how to pretend. Of course i know. That's what i've been taught since the body came to be. How to act, how to react.
It feels like i'm an actor. Not even a good one. People can tell my reactions and conversations are not genuine. Sometimes
i have a funny thought that everybody knows this and they are all pretending but are not telling me.
I don't feel special, i don't wanna be special, i don't want anything. I would describe my being as exhausted. I used to get exhausted when i had
to interact with people at work and outside in the world. In the evening when i would get home it was so liberating and relaxing after
all that "faking my persona". But now i've reached the next stage. I'm getting exhausted just by being alone in my room. Just by being. Imagine that.
From the second i woke up it feels like such a drag. I'm rolling my eyes back. Oh shit, i have to survive again? And again and again and again
and again... until when?
Phase 2: GETTING KINDA DEFENSIVE
So far you're probably thinking, "he's depressed, maybe he's poor, no girlfriend, no sexual pleasures, no money to do things, etc". No sir! I've
been trough all that multiple times. They feel like just another thing to do, like drinking water. Then you don't want water for a while. So what?
I'm not sad, i don't cry myself to sleep, i don't feel depression in that sense. I don't have problems whatsoever. I'm super healthy. I don't want things, or things to happend.
The only thing that I feel is the effort needed to survive. From the outside it looks like nothing, i know. Sitting all day in a room, having food and water, maybe going
for walks. But is so much effort. Soooo much i can't describe it.
Then it's obvious where this is going right? It's been on my mind for years, from my early teens. I used to leave it hidden under my personality.
For a while i think i was doing a great job at pretending to be what "a person should do/be" in society. But at the end of every day i always thought
what people think of my act. If i did good that day, if they liked it, approved it.
I always heard the phrase "be yourself" but they forgot to mentions there is no self. When i made new friends i always
stood quiet for a while to see how they behave so i can copy their behaviour to fit in. It worked most of the times. "Wow we have so much in common".
Of course we do you fucking bitch cause you just said it a second ago so all i had to say was "oh shit me too". Now we are so much alike.
The pointless existence...Everyone is trying so hard. Things are so serious, they matter...HOW COME YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING, CAN'T YOU SEE HOW
IMPORTANT THIS IS?... no , no i cannot. I believe that you also don't see the importance of it but you're faking it and you don't know you're faking it. It's a fucking
loop. What the fuuuuuuuck.....*falling into blackness* I don't know anymore...
I know how the "normal" mind works. It's always a "disorder" something. Deficit, social, anxiety, adhd, acdgkjsaf. Everything has a name if you are not "normal". "Oh poor boy, he suffers from depression, he's so sad, it makes me sad, lets help him, lets do good, we are good, me me me." It's pointless and selfish and you refuse to see it. I don't condemn the "normal" life and i'm not against it.
Do whatever.
Phase 3:
Oh right. This was going somewhere. Yes, ending it all. Death. Suicide. Not being. That's been on my mind for the past 10 years i would say. I'm
not going to talk to no one about this. No therapists, no helpers. There is nothing that needs help.
Nothing is wrong , nothing needs to be fixed, the world is not going bad. The solutions are always the problems. No solutions, no problems.
Everything is still and so clear. There is no sadness. There is no pain. There is no happiness. There is no good feeling. I'm like and old person on the
death bed with no pain who's tired and wants to go. Nobody is questioning him or having anything against it. But if I'm 25 and I want the same thing, all hell breaks loose.
The reason is, the body wants to be. Don't know why. Refuses to go by himself. Even if some "personality" tries to end it he has some good defense mechanisms.
That's why is still here. I'll probably force it someday soon. The end.
Phase 1: HOW IT "FEELS"
I feel nothing about anything. It's empty. No feelings, no emotions. But somehow i am on the edge of
a psychological nuclear blast. It's building up to something and it's getting more and more unbearable.
So that's a feeling right? Then why i say i have no feelings? What am i talking about?
I can't make sense of this. Sometimes i feel like i cracked the code, the secret to everything. There is something
I know for sure. I'm faking everything. Every single piece of interaction with someone or even with myself in my head.
"How are you?" i get asked. If there is a word to describe instant even more instant i will use it here
cause that's how much it takes for "me" to come up to the surface and fake the conversation. I won't say what the answer to that question is
because it doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it's not real. It doesn't feel real. Come tell me the worst news in the world
you can think of. I won't care about it. Or even the best news. Same outcome. I don't know how to react, or actually i do
know, how to pretend. Of course i know. That's what i've been taught since the body came to be. How to act, how to react.
It feels like i'm an actor. Not even a good one. People can tell my reactions and conversations are not genuine. Sometimes
i have a funny thought that everybody knows this and they are all pretending but are not telling me.
I don't feel special, i don't wanna be special, i don't want anything. I would describe my being as exhausted. I used to get exhausted when i had
to interact with people at work and outside in the world. In the evening when i would get home it was so liberating and relaxing after
all that "faking my persona". But now i've reached the next stage. I'm getting exhausted just by being alone in my room. Just by being. Imagine that.
From the second i woke up it feels like such a drag. I'm rolling my eyes back. Oh shit, i have to survive again? And again and again and again
and again... until when?
Phase 2: GETTING KINDA DEFENSIVE
So far you're probably thinking, "he's depressed, maybe he's poor, no girlfriend, no sexual pleasures, no money to do things, etc". No sir! I've
been trough all that multiple times. They feel like just another thing to do, like drinking water. Then you don't want water for a while. So what?
I'm not sad, i don't cry myself to sleep, i don't feel depression in that sense. I don't have problems whatsoever. I'm super healthy. I don't want things, or things to happend.
The only thing that I feel is the effort needed to survive. From the outside it looks like nothing, i know. Sitting all day in a room, having food and water, maybe going
for walks. But is so much effort. Soooo much i can't describe it.
Then it's obvious where this is going right? It's been on my mind for years, from my early teens. I used to leave it hidden under my personality.
For a while i think i was doing a great job at pretending to be what "a person should do/be" in society. But at the end of every day i always thought
what people think of my act. If i did good that day, if they liked it, approved it.
I always heard the phrase "be yourself" but they forgot to mentions there is no self. When i made new friends i always
stood quiet for a while to see how they behave so i can copy their behaviour to fit in. It worked most of the times. "Wow we have so much in common".
Of course we do you fucking bitch cause you just said it a second ago so all i had to say was "oh shit me too". Now we are so much alike.
The pointless existence...Everyone is trying so hard. Things are so serious, they matter...HOW COME YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING, CAN'T YOU SEE HOW
IMPORTANT THIS IS?... no , no i cannot. I believe that you also don't see the importance of it but you're faking it and you don't know you're faking it. It's a fucking
loop. What the fuuuuuuuck.....*falling into blackness* I don't know anymore...
I know how the "normal" mind works. It's always a "disorder" something. Deficit, social, anxiety, adhd, acdgkjsaf. Everything has a name if you are not "normal". "Oh poor boy, he suffers from depression, he's so sad, it makes me sad, lets help him, lets do good, we are good, me me me." It's pointless and selfish and you refuse to see it. I don't condemn the "normal" life and i'm not against it.
Do whatever.
Phase 3:
Oh right. This was going somewhere. Yes, ending it all. Death. Suicide. Not being. That's been on my mind for the past 10 years i would say. I'm
not going to talk to no one about this. No therapists, no helpers. There is nothing that needs help.
Nothing is wrong , nothing needs to be fixed, the world is not going bad. The solutions are always the problems. No solutions, no problems.
Everything is still and so clear. There is no sadness. There is no pain. There is no happiness. There is no good feeling. I'm like and old person on the
death bed with no pain who's tired and wants to go. Nobody is questioning him or having anything against it. But if I'm 25 and I want the same thing, all hell breaks loose.
The reason is, the body wants to be. Don't know why. Refuses to go by himself. Even if some "personality" tries to end it he has some good defense mechanisms.
That's why is still here. I'll probably force it someday soon. The end.
