I wonder if ill ever be able to actually do it

[kk13]

Every night i try but im unmotivated and si takes over. I force myself to suffer so much. The moment i wake up i regret not doing it. What kind of life is this. Im rotting from the inside out. I don't know how much longer I can take im gonna go crazy. I want to hurt my self so much i want to feel pain i wish someone would fucking kill me. Summer is coming I can't even cut. Why can't my body just shut down.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I know the feeling. I've lived with a noose in my room for most of 6 months or so. I put my neck in for these lame little partial attempts that aren't gonna work, then tell myself that it's still my way out when I want it. Ridiculous situation.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

Every night i try but im unmotivated and si takes over. I force myself to suffer so much. The moment i wake up i regret not doing it. What kind of life is this. Im rotting from the inside out. I don't know how much longer I can take im gonna go crazy. I want to hurt my self so much i want to feel pain i wish someone would fucking kill me. Summer is coming I can't even cut. Why can't my body just shut down.

Totally relatable. I've gotten my neck into my slipknot a few times, to the point of almost blacking out (one time I did for a second or two and managed to get out of position). It is very frustrating when survival instinct takes over. If someone ever comes up with some golden egg to override that, I'd like to know. I usually just end up so frustrated I punch the heck out of myself lol.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I know the feeling. I've lived with a noose in my room for most of 6 months or so. I put my neck in for these lame little partial attempts that aren't gonna work, then tell myself that it's still my way out when I want it. Ridiculous situation.

Things are really coming to a head. I need to pull it off soon. I have commitments I can't honor and I don't want to be around for the shame of backing out of them and leaving others to clean up my mess. But I'm scared to death of death and can't bear the pain of hanging. I don't eat. I rarely bathe. A self-respecting person would have done it months ago. How does this end? Do I become a ward of the state?

 

[burninghill]

I also wonder. I love the planning aspects of suicide, but I sometimes think to myself, 'what if subconsciously, this is just some roleplay?', like, maybe I just enjoy constantly fantasising about it. Maybe part of me likes planning and even attempting with the knowledge I can just go home afterwards. I don't know.

I'll eventually do it, I know I will, but this sits in the back of my mind.

 

[outerspaceangel999]

i relate so much honestly. it's like part of me just wants to get this over with but there's still that other part thats either too scared or somehow too hopeful. i just stopped taking care of myself and i watch my body shut down on its own slowly but it's still quite frustating. i wish i had the courage to either do it or make the efforts needed to get better if thats still in the cards for me.
i'm hoping things get better, or at least easier for you. still good to know were not totally alone