i wonder if god is punishing me

[Solitudeseeker]

growing up,all i ever wanted was to settle down,get a decent job,go to college,live a pretty traditional and fulfilling life,to this day this is something i have wanted,but now i just turned 18 and struggle to leave the house due to severe agoraphobia,i feel like i am slowly anticipating death in my dark room as i have built nothing for myself. i left school due to severe mistreatment of my classmates and i think to this day is the reasoning and root trigger of my fear of leaving the house(alongside other things such as developing androgenetic alopecia as a girl) ,my mother is so understanding of everything i have been through and i feel i am doing her injustice by all my stupid mistakes and sitting at home most of the time,i feel like killing myself would take such a weight off her back,because i fear i will never get back up,go back to school etc. i love learning and in my heart i really want to go back to enter college but i know the minute i go back outside i will make a fool out of myself and end up at stage one.i just want to end this cycle of getting my hopes up and then it crashing down in the long term,i am sick of my mind torturing me uncontrollably about every horrible thing that was ever said about me.

 

[Vizzy]

growing up,all i ever wanted was to settle down,get a decent job,go to college,live a pretty traditional and fulfilling life,to this day this is something i have wanted,but now i just turned 18 and struggle to leave the house due to severe agoraphobia,i feel like i am slowly anticipating death in my dark room as i have built nothing for myself. i left school due to severe mistreatment of my classmates and i think to this day is the reasoning and root trigger of my fear of leaving the house(alongside other things such as developing androgenetic alopecia as a girl) ,my mother is so understanding of everything i have been through and i feel i am doing her injustice by all my stupid mistakes and sitting at home most of the time,i feel like killing myself would take such a weight off her back,because i fear i will never get back up,go back to school etc. i love learning and in my heart i really want to go back to enter college but i know the minute i go back outside i will make a fool out of myself and end up at stage one.i just want to end this cycle of getting my hopes up and then it crashing down in the long term,i am sick of my mind torturing me uncontrollably about every horrible thing that was ever said about me.

God doesn't exist!

Hope you find peace

 

[Solitudeseeker]

well this is your personal belief, but thank you i guess.....

 

[Doombox]

It sounds like your mom loves you very much. Have you considered asking her to help you? Sometimes it's better to look to the people around us for help rather than a god.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally don't believe there could ever be a God, I just think that existence is completely meaningless where people suffer all for no reason, all through no fault of their own in this world where chance so cruelly determines everything. But anyway it's horrible how humans create so much suffering in this world, the human species is just awful to me in general.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you have been treated so cruelly. Kids can be horrible. I don't exactly fear leaving the house but I get myself in a state worrying about social situations- so- I can relate there.

Have you ever considered looking into online courses? I wonder if that could be an option for you- if you enjoy leaning.

 

[The anhedonic one]

So sorry you are going through this I would find some online courses and give it your best shot.
It would also give you something to focus on.
Maybe therapy too.
Does your mom know how you feel ?

 

[Solitudeseeker]

So sorry you are going through this I would find some online courses and give it your best shot.
It would also give you something to focus on.
Maybe therapy too.
Does your mom know how you feel ?

absolutely, i continue to do online courses in my free time,my mom does understand and is why she is so understanding and has helped me alot. therapy is the only thing i can't look into due to its cost here. but thank you for the comment <3

I personally don't believe there could ever be a God, I just think that existence is completely meaningless where people suffer all for no reason, all through no fault of their own in this world where chance so cruelly determines everything. But anyway it's horrible how humans create so much suffering in this world, the human species is just awful to me in general.

yes, we assume that because of our cars and flashy money that we are some how superior but the minute these things are removed our modern day behaviour is just as easily comparable to animals.

 

[Tantalus]

I often think this as well. My life was supposed to be perfect. Then it turned upside down. I don't know where, but it started progressively getting worse. What's worse is that it's not always completely bad, either. There are these moments that make me believe that it would get better, only for it to be a false hope. It would be much better if it were only bad. It sucks to have hope and have it crushed over and over and over. I don't even know if my life was worse than it was before. All I know is that I'm tired. Life has worn me down. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

 

[Ferret77]

growing up,all i ever wanted was to settle down,get a decent job,go to college,live a pretty traditional and fulfilling life,to this day this is something i have wanted,but now i just turned 18 and struggle to leave the house due to severe agoraphobia,i feel like i am slowly anticipating death in my dark room as i have built nothing for myself. i left school due to severe mistreatment of my classmates and i think to this day is the reasoning and root trigger of my fear of leaving the house(alongside other things such as developing androgenetic alopecia as a girl) ,my mother is so understanding of everything i have been through and i feel i am doing her injustice by all my stupid mistakes and sitting at home most of the time,i feel like killing myself would take such a weight off her back,because i fear i will never get back up,go back to school etc. i love learning and in my heart i really want to go back to enter college but i know the minute i go back outside i will make a fool out of myself and end up at stage one.i just want to end this cycle of getting my hopes up and then it crashing down in the long term,i am sick of my mind torturing me uncontrollably about every horrible thing that was ever said about me.

I feel you....I always try to be the best person I can, but for some reason, I always just end up suffering in some way....Why am I getting punished, when I've literally never done anything bad in my life? Why am I the bad person?

 

[forever dreaming]

I'm in the same boat all we can do is have faith in god. count yourself lucky you are really young and have your whole life ahead of you

 

[OceanBlue]

i am sick of my mind torturing me uncontrollably about every horrible thing that was ever said about me.

Could be part of CPTSD, there was a severe mistreatment in the past and it sounds like you're getting triggered, it brings out toxic shame. You will need to see a therapist to try to overcome this, could be an online one. It must be hell to keep reliving that and having it stop you from doing things; joys of meeting other humans in life.

---

Honestly, none of this was your fault, god cannot be punishing you, there are so many good people who experience the worst in life. This world is so unfair that even achieving your dreams doesn't change much. I see people who have something that I'd like to have more than anything suicide all the time, almost like all goals are an illusion. This world is unjust and unkind, being a good person will not protect you - if you decide to live on, then you need to be rational about where you are.

I'm really sorry you're going through so much.

 

[Solitudeseeker]

It sounds like your mom loves you very much. Have you considered asking her to help you? Sometimes it's better to look to the people around us for help rather than a god.

I feel you....I always try to be the best person I can, but for some reason, I always just end up suffering in some way....Why am I getting punished, when I've literally never done anything bad in my life? Why am I the bad person?

i question this also....the sad reality is life will always be suffering. how much suffering differs from person to person and sadly some people fall victim to it. it is especially worse nowadays. with the modern culture of materialism and being on top of anything. it is a strange dehumanizing experience.but i believe through all this suffering i (personally) seek the word of god and found it has helped me in many ways with coping on personal issues,while i have a long way to go and to study,life is a journey of ups and downs and faith reminded me to remain a good person. if i didn't follow my faith i feel personally i would still be quite an angry and overall rude person,however i have devoted what may be my last years to eventually go out and help people,because i would never wish the suffering i have felt throughout my life on anybody if it meant making any sacrifice.

I'm in the same boat all we can do is have faith in god. count yourself lucky you are really young and have your whole life ahead of you

amen god gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors i say.

Could be part of CPTSD, there was a severe mistreatment in the past and it sounds like you're getting triggered, it brings out toxic shame. You will need to see a therapist to try to overcome this, could be an online one. It must be hell to keep reliving that and having it stop you from doing things; joys of meeting other humans in life.

---

Honestly, none of this was your fault, god cannot be punishing you, there are so many good people who experience the worst in life. This world is so unfair that even achieving your dreams doesn't change much. I see people who have something that I'd like to have more than anything suicide all the time, almost like all goals are an illusion. This world is unjust and unkind, being a good person will not protect you - if you decide to live on, then you need to be rational about where you are.

I'm really sorry you're going through so much.

hello dear <3 i may look into this further. i currently cant afford therapy but once i gain some financial stability i will try my best to afford therapy. but thank you for such comforting words,and i agree completely.

 

[leavingsoon99]

growing up,all i ever wanted was to settle down,get a decent job,go to college,live a pretty traditional and fulfilling life,to this day this is something i have wanted,but now i just turned 18 and struggle to leave the house due to severe agoraphobia,i feel like i am slowly anticipating death in my dark room as i have built nothing for myself. i left school due to severe mistreatment of my classmates and i think to this day is the reasoning and root trigger of my fear of leaving the house(alongside other things such as developing androgenetic alopecia as a girl) ,my mother is so understanding of everything i have been through and i feel i am doing her injustice by all my stupid mistakes and sitting at home most of the time,i feel like killing myself would take such a weight off her back,because i fear i will never get back up,go back to school etc. i love learning and in my heart i really want to go back to enter college but i know the minute i go back outside i will make a fool out of myself and end up at stage one.i just want to end this cycle of getting my hopes up and then it crashing down in the long term,i am sick of my mind torturing me uncontrollably about every horrible thing that was ever said about me.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling such pain. I just wanted a 'normal' life as well. I actually shot for being normal. It must be very tough to not want to leave the house. I feel that way sometimes, but I won't pretend to identify with agoraphobia. Is it possible to take online classes for you? That's a possibility. I got my degree online. Just a thought. I wish you peace and love.

the sad reality is life will always be suffering.

This is exactly why I'm going through with my decision.

 

[ger3172]

listen to youre the coffin by flatsound, there r some lines there that resonate a lot to me about this god thing, u will probably relate too

 

[Solitudeseeker]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling such pain. I just wanted a 'normal' life as well. I actually shot for being normal. It must be very tough to not want to leave the house. I feel that way sometimes, but I won't pretend to identify with agoraphobia. Is it possible to take online classes for you? That's a possibility. I got my degree online. Just a thought. I wish you peace and love.

This is exactly why I'm going through with my decision.

i am at somewhat peace we may never get what we want in life. in many ways i saw it through an incredibly idealistic lens and only now has it come back to hit my on the face. i take cheap online classes on random topics as a hobby but there wasn't much offering a degree or that were at crazy prices. i was willing to pay but then i was afraid if i wouldn't get hired because of it. i may be wrong though. i really hope that,whatever future decision you make and take brings you at utmost peace,as you deserve nothing more,you're one of many beautiful souls that doesn't seem to fit in with life on earth <3 i feel this way too and sympathize with so many who feels this way living on earth. the pain of being stuck here due to lack of methods,lack of general understanding etc,manifests into such physical pain in the heart and sometimes leaving may set one free. the world nowadays is not how we know it,it has been taken over by greed and ill intention.

 

[Ferret77]

Suffering is a part of life, unfortunately, and nobody can do anything with it. Some people suffer more than others, mostly for literally no reason and usually it's also the kindest people ever. And that makes me... Really sad, it just seems so unfair.
Capitalism and materialism in general, definitely made people to turn on each other. Eh, it's also just not a great era to live in, nowadays.
That said.... I'm also a believer, and I admire you for remaining a kind person, even though you've been probably through so much already.... It's not the easiest thing to do. It's also hard to trust God sometimes personally, because it does feel like I'm being punished sometimes. But....I believe that maybe there's actually a purpose for those things and if we just try to spread love and have faith, It hopefully works out in the end.....So I wish you good luck!

 

[Solitudeseeker]

listen to youre the coffin by flatsound, there r some lines there that resonate a lot to me about this god thing, u will probably relate too

yes i will check it out thanks.

It sounds like your mom loves you very much. Have you considered asking her to help you? Sometimes it's better to look to the people around us for help rather than a god.

i love my mother so, she has tried so much to help me,she would go outside with me, we would even visit the central city sometimes which was the place that triggered me most. but suddenly it fell apart again no matter how long i was with her i would breakdown in public. she deserved a much better daughter than me, i promised i would give her a better life and it breaks me knowing i might not live up to that.

 

[SuicidalOrganism]

I have androgenic alopecia too as a male (reached its final stages and I am 20, which is rare)
anyways I got made fun of many people for my shitty hairline.

Even when some dipshit tries to talk shit over my hairline I just tell them I have cancer. It's hilarious how these worthless meatsacks are so programmed that I can get so many of them to do a sudden 180 and start apologizing to me when they were just talking shit two seconds earlier. I might as well shave my eyebrows just so I can really sell it. I love toying with these non-sentient mammals.

 

[Solitudeseeker]

I have androgenic alopecia too as a male (reached its final stages and I am 20, which is rare)
anyways I got made fun of many people for my shitty hairline.

Even when some dipshit tries to talk shit over my hairline I just tell them I have cancer. It's hilarious how these worthless meatsacks are so programmed that I can get so many of them to do a sudden 180 and start apologizing to me when they were just talking shit two seconds earlier. I might shave my eyebrows just so I can really sell it. I love toying with these non-sentient mammals.

you poor thing,nobody deserves such harsh treatment over this kind of thing. those who mock people with uncontrollable issues,personally responding in such ways in the long term will make you feel so angry and make you hurt even more,but dealing with alopecia is such a dehumanizing experience in the modern day. but you might just be able to rock a bald head man i think it looks alternative and cool for a guy. not so much for me. it effected my femininity big time due to me shaving it really short haha.

 

[thechamp]

growing up,all i ever wanted was to settle down,get a decent job,go to college,live a pretty traditional and fulfilling life,to this day this is something i have wanted,but now i just turned 18 and struggle to leave the house due to severe agoraphobia,i feel like i am slowly anticipating death in my dark room as i have built nothing for myself. i left school due to severe mistreatment of my classmates and i think to this day is the reasoning and root trigger of my fear of leaving the house(alongside other things such as developing androgenetic alopecia as a girl) ,my mother is so understanding of everything i have been through and i feel i am doing her injustice by all my stupid mistakes and sitting at home most of the time,i feel like killing myself would take such a weight off her back,because i fear i will never get back up,go back to school etc. i love learning and in my heart i really want to go back to enter college but i know the minute i go back outside i will make a fool out of myself and end up at stage one.i just want to end this cycle of getting my hopes up and then it crashing down in the long term,i am sick of my mind torturing me uncontrollably about every horrible thing that was ever said about me.

I had a shitty situation back then, and I will say this - working out, in my case a martial art, was fantastic and still is. If you have literally 30 minutes to an hour a day to spare to get a six pack, do pushups, it's as easy as getting a workout app and committing. Even if your appearance is abhorrent, people really don't care about other people all that much. People in this world are really just focused on themselves, so if you fuck up anything in public, people are bound to forget it within ten minutes. Yeah, it may sound silly, but this was such a helpful realization for me and I went from being a socially awkward piss stain to being a much more social guy.

 

[ChromeCake]

You are so young. There is still a lot of time to set things right. It doesn't sound to me like your mom would be better off without you.

I dropped out of high school myself. It wasnt easy, but I managed to graduate university. I believe you could do the same. I had similar struggles. I also have a physical condition that affected my self confidence. I was also mistreated in grade school (quite severely, it sent me to the hospital once). Just remember that what other people think and say doesn't need to have such a strong effect on you. When you are young it is a difficult idea to embrace. Young people are constantly looking to other people for validation. That will go away as you get older and learn who you really are.

 

[Solitudeseeker]

You are so young. There is still a lot of time to set things right. It doesn't sound to me like your mom would be better off without you.

I dropped out of high school myself. It wasnt easy, but I managed to graduate university. I believe you could do the same. I had similar struggles. I also have a physical condition that affected my self confidence. I was also mistreated in grade school (quite severely, it sent me to the hospital once). Just remember that what other people think and say doesn't need to have such a strong effect on you. When you are young it is a difficult idea to embrace. Young people are constantly looking to other people for validation. That will go away as you get older and learn who you really are.

really? that really put a smile to my face i hope i can get to this point some day. thank you for your comment

 

[Linda]

growing up,all i ever wanted was to settle down,get a decent job,go to college,live a pretty traditional and fulfilling life,to this day this is something i have wanted,but now i just turned 18 and struggle to leave the house due to severe agoraphobia,i feel like i am slowly anticipating death in my dark room as i have built nothing for myself. i left school due to severe mistreatment of my classmates and i think to this day is the reasoning and root trigger of my fear of leaving the house(alongside other things such as developing androgenetic alopecia as a girl) ,my mother is so understanding of everything i have been through and i feel i am doing her injustice by all my stupid mistakes and sitting at home most of the time,i feel like killing myself would take such a weight off her back,because i fear i will never get back up,go back to school etc. i love learning and in my heart i really want to go back to enter college but i know the minute i go back outside i will make a fool out of myself and end up at stage one.i just want to end this cycle of getting my hopes up and then it crashing down in the long term,i am sick of my mind torturing me uncontrollably about every horrible thing that was ever said about me.

You may already have thought of this, but have you tried taking anti-androgens to stop the alopecia progressing any furthr? Drugs like finasteride (proscar) and spironolactone (aldactone) will suppress the male hormones that result in hair loss. If men take them they can have undesirable side effcts (like suppression of male sex drive, and growing breasts), but women don't need to care about those things. They are safe for long term use. And spironolactone actually lowers your blood pressur a little too, which for most people is a good thing.

 

[Solitudeseeker]

where i am living,they do not supply this? they only have offered me topical stuff like regain which is way too out of my budget,i may speak with my doctor about this. but if it has any bad effects i would rather stick with synthetic hair. but thank you for the message,i will look into this more!

 

[dialogos]

. i take cheap online classes on random topics as a hobby but there wasn't much offering a degree or that were at crazy prices. i was willing to pay but then i was afraid if i wouldn't get hired because of it.

Try searching for government accredited universities in Asia that offer online degrees for clout and lower cost
Ex https://www.upou.edu.ph/academics/
https://www.pup.edu.ph/ous/iodet/programs