i wish to become a child again…

[deadwinter]

i want nothing more than to become a child again, when i knew nothing and trusted everyone. i used to believe that the world and everything in it were inherently good. it's an understatement to say i've lost faith, and the more i learn about this world, the more i hate my existence.

my childhood was definitely the happiest time of my life… when i was younger, life felt effortless, like i was on autopilot (if that makes sense). it's gotten progressively worse since then, and i know it will continue that way. i feel that i am physically unable to experience happiness. i can't connect meaningfully to people no matter how hard I try. i'm constantly anxious, and it makes me feel physically sick.

btw, nothing particularly "traumatic" happened to me. i don't know why i feel this way, i think i was never meant to be happy.

does anyone else feel this way? to anyone who is reading this, thank you, and have a lovely morning/night.

 

[Dayrain]

it's an understatement to say i've lost faith

Great line.

 

[hevlalab]

Honestly me too. I wish I was a child again but with the knowledge I have now. Hopefully then I'd steer clear from making the biggest mistake of my life which led me to feeling suicidal. But alas we can only dream…

 

[sserafim]

i want nothing more than to become a child again, when i knew nothing and trusted everyone. i used to believe that the world and everything in it were inherently good. it's an understatement to say i've lost faith, and the more i learn about this world, the more i hate my existence.

my childhood was definitely the happiest time of my life… when i was younger, life felt effortless, like i was on autopilot (if that makes sense). it's gotten progressively worse since then, and i know it will continue that way. i feel that i am physically unable to experience happiness. i can't connect meaningfully to people no matter how hard I try. i'm constantly anxious, and it makes me feel physically sick.

btw, nothing particularly "traumatic" happened to me. i don't know why i feel this way, i think i was never meant to be happy.

does anyone else feel this way? to anyone who is reading this, thank you, and have a lovely morning/night.

Same! I wish I could be a kid again. I hate having to be an adult. Adulthood is literally a scam. You're forced to work to live in this capitalist pyramid scheme of a society for ~40-60 years. I just don't see getting older or adulthood as something I personally want to be a part of. I hate the idea of having to slave away or work just to survive. I wish I could be a kid again when things were carefree and I had freedom from responsibility. I didn't have to worry about anything, I could simply live my life. I hate being an adult and eventually having to enter the workforce and working world. I don't want to work away my life, I feel like that's such an unfulfilling existence. I don't think it would be meaningful to live like that

 

[Jan1193]

Same! I wish I could be a kid again. I hate having to be an adult. Adulthood is literally a scam. You're forced to work to live in this capitalist pyramid scheme of a society for ~40-60 years. I just don't see getting older or adulthood as something I personally want to be a part of. I hate the idea of having to slave away or work just to survive. I wish I could be a kid again when things were carefree and I had freedom from responsibility. I didn't have to worry about anything, I could simply live my life. I hate being an adult and eventually having to enter the workforce and working world. I don't want to work away my life, I feel like that's such an unfulfilling existence. I don't think it would be meaningful to live like that

Feeling the same as you, at the same time I feel so ashamed of myself for being a parasite just waiting to encourage enought to CBT.

About the topic, I don't remember to being specially happy in my childhood enought to want to come back to live exactly the same. Many times I've dreamed to come back and be a child, but with all the knowledge I have today. I absolutely doing things diferently and I would love more at my mother, and treated her better. After the fantasy, I only feel shame and guilty about her

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I don't want to remember those days when I was a child and in elementary school, we were all naive about becoming adults, believing it would be fun, that we would help people, and that we would become millionaires...

I don't want to recall those times when teachers asked us what we wanted to be. Some wanted to be firefighters, others police officers, astronauts, doctors, chefs...

How ridiculous it is to think that when I was a child, I wanted to be an adult. Now that I am an adult, I want to be a child again...

Those deceitful teachers never told us that we would be unemployed, poorly paid, enslaved...

They never told us that we would work 12 hours a day in the third world...

They never told us that we would work for over 40 years, feeding our bosses...

We were deceived...

 

[borderline-feline]

I wish I could have an actual childhood since mine was stolen from me when I was 10.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

Same, my childhood was extremly happy whilst my adult life is like a bad dream. Hence I'm going to stuff it out before it gets worse.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

i want nothing more than to become a child again, when i knew nothing and trusted everyone. i used to believe that the world and everything in it were inherently good. it's an understatement to say i've lost faith, and the more i learn about this world, the more i hate my existence.

my childhood was definitely the happiest time of my life… when i was younger, life felt effortless, like i was on autopilot (if that makes sense). it's gotten progressively worse since then, and i know it will continue that way. i feel that i am physically unable to experience happiness. i can't connect meaningfully to people no matter how hard I try. i'm constantly anxious, and it makes me feel physically sick.

btw, nothing particularly "traumatic" happened to me. i don't know why i feel this way, i think i was never meant to be happy.

does anyone else feel this way? to anyone who is reading this, thank you, and have a lovely morning/night.

Yup I feel this way, childhood was heaven on earth I had good physical and mental health a ton of friends and loads of hobbies, there was so much to look forward to and so much hope for the future, every day was another adventure with my friends at school or after school there was just so much happiness because life was so fun, exciting and magical I especially remember the magical feeling of Christmas believing in Santa Claus, waking up in the morning in December to see the first snow just writing this I can´t believe how much I lost, how could anyone experience so much excitement and happiness back then even from things like the first snow which felt amazing to see and the excitement of just wanting to go out and play in it or even smaller things like getting home from school to watch a new 20 minute episode of whatever show I was following at the time e.g. Pokémon, Beyblade, Yugi-Oh, Dragonball etc. I haven´t even been able to feel anything close to that fun, excitement and happiness of coming home from school to watch those series (among many other series) in my adulthood there is no more fun or excitement I experience only apathy and anhedonia so nothing is fun anymore it´s like I have run out of happy hormones so I physically can´t feel happy anymore.

Seriously when writing this it really hits hard to think that those memories was actually my life back then it´s like I lived in heaven and now I am living in hell such a big contrast is it. It´s been so long ago too where I have suffered friendless, and from my illnesses for so many years about a decade and even longer since I was a child it´s hard to believe it was my life back then. Childhood is truly paradise on Earth it was so much fun and exciting I wish I could experience it again.

 

[sserafim]

Same, my childhood was extremly happy whilst my adult life is like a bad dream. Hence I'm going to stuff it out before it gets worse.

Same!

I don't want to remember those days when I was a child and in elementary school, we were all naive about becoming adults, believing it would be fun, that we would help people, and that we would become millionaires...

I don't want to recall those times when teachers asked us what we wanted to be. Some wanted to be firefighters, others police officers, astronauts, doctors, chefs...

How ridiculous it is to think that when I was a child, I wanted to be an adult. Now that I am an adult, I want to be a child again...

Those deceitful teachers never told us that we would be unemployed, poorly paid, enslaved...

They never told us that we would work 12 hours a day in the third world...

They never told us that we would work for over 40 years, feeding our bosses...

We were deceived...

Literally, and the fact that I never wanted to be anything anyways. As a kid I never even had a dream job or career, I never wanted to be an adult. I never even saw or envisioned myself becoming an adult. I never even wanted to grow up but sadly I did due to the passage of time…I would give anything to be a kid again

 

[theslasher]

i can't connect meaningfully to people no matter how hard I try.

I feel the same to a degree, and I'm not an extrovert by any means. But whenever I did have social success, it was whenever I learned to stop caring or trying so much. Although.. obviously there should be a balance, because a total disregard can be very annoying to others (understand when to hold your tongue), but too much regard for other's opinions is like suffocating in your own thoughts and emotions (understand when to let go and be free).

i think i was never meant to be happy.

No one is meant to be anything, we just are. There is no god, and there's no meaning to anything. We are just a result of the laws of physics, abiogenesis, and evolution over billions of years. There is no god in the sky who watches us or cares about our personal lives. Many people find atheism to be very nihilistic, and for a while it really was for me. But the more I learned and studied the laws of this universe, the more I felt at peace. It's hard to describe it all in a short paragraph and requires studying many many different things, but eventually.. it all just clicked. But as I said earlier, you are not meant to be anything, do as you wish. Find your own meaning in life.. or do not. That is up to you.

 

[passivethought121]

Definitely relate to autopilot. I just existed and spoke and did whatever I want, without thinking of anything. What I wanted, wherever I wanted. I never cared about other peoples reactions or expectations either. Sounds evil now that I read it, but I feel like it'd be better to describe myself as innocent and immune.

 

[theslasher]

Definitely relate to autopilot.

I'm not innocent of it either so I'm not coming for you personally, but this reminds me of something my old high school coach once said:
Living your life on auto pilot is the worst thing you could ever do.

That's basically all he said about that, and since hearing that it kinda stuck out to me. Why did he say it? Well in my eyes, living on autopilot places your life outcome in the hands of other people. And if you know about human nature, you know that's a bad idea.

Now that I reread OP's message I understand you're referring to autopilot as a child. I guess what we can learn from this is that the closer we get into adulthood the less we should long to live on autopilot. In some ways that's daunting, but in many more ways it's empowering to realize your life outcome is far more determined by the actions you take as opposed to others.

Always keep an internal locus of control :)

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I can't relate. I don't think my childhood was that bad and there were plenty of good moments from it, but there was also a lot of drama going on in my family back then that I was caught in the middle of. It was annoying, plus I was still suicidal and miserable back then, albeit I'd like to think I was very good at coping with it. One of the joys of being older is that there is no way I'll ever find myself in that situation again. People also tend to view children as less than, treating them like a thing that must obey them at all times. It's one of those things I hate about society since children are human beings who deserve to have their thoughts, opinions, and boundaries respected. Adulthood means not having to deal with that as much.

I also feel like we sometimes look back on the past with rose-tinted glasses, allowing our nostalgia and happy memories to overshadow the bad, making our memories of our past out to be a lot better than they were...

But yeah, I don't think I'd ever want to be a child again...

 

[Amyend88]

Yes, being a child was the best time for all of us