I wish things had gone differently

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

I wish I didn't fuck up my life the way I did. I didn't really have a bad life, all things considered. I had a good-ish upbringing with the exception of an absent father during my teenage years, a mother who hated men and would often slander them in front of me and saying they're evil (I am a man) convincing me that I was evil, and a school-shooting. But other than that it was pretty good, and I ruined everything by being weak. I just couldn't get out of my depressed mind. I even feel weak for killing myself because I feel like I really haven't experienced anything bad enough to warrant it, but the emotional pain is so strong for no reason (Well, now it's the fact that my life fell apart, but before it was just for no reason. My point still stands).

Does anyone else feel like this? Like they don't have a good enough reason to kill themself and that they just feel weak for feeling this way?

 

[MyShadow]

You're not weak. I think that you are underestimating the amount of trauma you've experienced.
Everything that you listed is enough to undermine your state of mind. Any one of those things is enough to put someone over the edge. I am sorry that you experienced them.

Regardless of what you choose, I hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

You're not weak. I think that you are underestimating the amount of trauma you've experienced.
Everything that you listed is enough to undermine your state of mind. Any one of those things is enough to put someone over the edge. I am sorry that you experienced them.

Regardless of what you choose, I hope you find the peace you deserve.

Maybe you're right. There's some other stuff that I left out since I was focusing on stuff that happened before my life fell apart. But my last ex also made me feel like shit (she's called me "weak" and "beyond help") and I did ABA as a child, which really fucked me up.

The other thing is that other people have experienced stuff WAY worse than me and still find a way through life. My ex for example has experienced horrible things her whole life and still makes it through. But I think it's effects manifests in different ways for her than it does for me

 

[Spite]

Yes, I feel like this all time. I ask myself every day, "I wish things had gone differently". I often lament over the past and the mistakes I've made and I'm full of so much pain and regret that it's almost unbearable. If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now, and try to fix everything, believe me when I say I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I can't say I relate to feeling like I don't have a good enough reason to die and/or not having a bad life. I don't think it's weak to have feelings of wanting to die irrespective of one's life circumstances.

and a school-shooting.

If it's okay to ask, what do you mean by this? Did you survive a school shooting? It's completely fine if you'd prefer to not talk about it, I just wanted to ask out of curiosity.

 

[MyShadow]

Maybe you're right. There's some other stuff that I left out since I was focusing on stuff that happened before my life fell apart. But my last ex also made me feel like shit (she's called me "weak" and "beyond help") and I did ABA as a child, which really fucked me up.

The other thing is that other people have experienced stuff WAY worse than me and still find a way through life. My ex for example has experienced horrible things her whole life and still makes it through. But I think it's effects manifests in different ways for her than it does for me

Don't torture yourself by comparing yourself to other people. Nobody has walked in your shoes.

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

Yes, I feel like this all time. I ask myself every day, "I wish things had gone differently". I often lament over the past and the mistakes I've made and I'm full of so much pain and regret that it's almost unbearable. If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now, and try to fix everything, believe me when I say I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I can't say I relate to feeling like I don't have a good enough reason to die and/or not having a bad life. I don't think it's weak to have feelings of wanting to die irrespective of one's life circumstances.

If it's okay to ask, what do you mean by this? Did you survive a school shooting? It's completely fine if you'd prefer to not talk about it, I just wanted to ask out of curiosity.

Yeah, I survived one. Shooter was tackled right outside my classroom.

 

[Spite]

Yeah, I survived one. Shooter was tackled right outside my classroom.

Wow. That's... I can't even imagine the sheer terror of being in that situation. I'm really sorry you experienced that.

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

Wow. That's... I can't even imagine the sheer terror of being in that situation. I'm really sorry you experienced that.

Thank you. The part of it that still messes with me today is that the one fatality of the shooting I had met for the first time 2 weeks prior. He died tackling the shooter. We weren't friends or anything and only spoke the one time. But I could tell he had a kind soul and was going to do wonderful things in the world. And now he's gone, not because he choose to leave or because of illness or even an accident, but because someone was vindictive and choose to push their pain onto others rather than just end their pain themselves. And that selfishness was met with the most selfless, sacrificial action... I wish I had died instead of him. Not because I want to be a martyr or because it would mean I'm not suffering now, but because I genuinely believe the world would have been better if he had lived instead of me, even if I wasn't planning to CTB