I wish someone would kill me

[Lain8]

I've been crying for the last hour and a half. I wish my father would just get rid of me. I know I'm lazy and useless. I wish he could take me out of this life so I won't have to be a bother to anyone anymore. I know I don't matter to anyone. Everything would be better if I didn't exist. I could make them happy if I just killed myself. I know it's always been me that's the problem. I was never worthy of love. If only I wasn't myself I could of been happy. If I die, maybe I could be reborn and be worthy of happiness. I wish I could book a hotel and do it. I don't have to worry about anything else in life. I don't want to bother with my problems anymore.

 

[brokensea]

I've been crying for the last hour and a half. I wish my father would just get rid of me. I know I'm lazy and useless. I wish he could take me out of this life so I won't have to be a bother to anyone anymore. I know I don't matter to anyone. Everything would be better if I didn't exist. I could make them happy if I just killed myself. I know it's always been me that's the problem. I was never worthy of love. If only I wasn't myself I could of been happy. If I die, maybe I could be reborn and be worthy of happiness. I wish I could book a hotel and do it. I don't have to worry about anything else in life. I don't want to bother with my problems anymore.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. A lot of times when people are mistreated or have issues they can't control they feel self hatred. Sometimes it's really not you. You could be anyone else and feel the same way. There is nothing defective about you or anyone.

 

[wanttodie]

me to I wish someone would kill me

 

[Sick of it all]

If only it were so easy...

 

[hopeless302]

I've been crying for the last hour and a half. I wish my father would just get rid of me. I know I'm lazy and useless. I wish he could take me out of this life so I won't have to be a bother to anyone anymore. I know I don't matter to anyone. Everything would be better if I didn't exist. I could make them happy if I just killed myself. I know it's always been me that's the problem. I was never worthy of love. If only I wasn't myself I could of been happy. If I die, maybe I could be reborn and be worthy of happiness. I wish I could book a hotel and do it. I don't have to worry about anything else in life. I don't want to bother with my problems anymore.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. What you're feeling sounds very difficult to deal with, but you're definitely NOT "useless", and it's very likely that you are not the problem here. Maybe your loved ones are placing too many expectations on you, and it's okay if you can't live up to them all. I hope you can reach a point where you can live life freely without the heavy burden of others' expectations weighing you down.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I think it's likely a lot of us suffer with self hatred. Not sure this is going to help- probably not all that healthy to turn sadness and guilt into resentment and hatred. Still... It's not your fault you were born- it's your parents 'fault.' Why is there an expectation for you or any of us to 'entertain' or make the people who brought us into all this mess happy? Ideally, it would be great if we could but surely- it shouldn't be an obligation.

I think everyone is worthy of love and happiness. It's just so sad that so many people end up without it.

 

[Hollowillow]

I've been crying for the last hour and a half. I wish my father would just get rid of me. I know I'm lazy and useless. I wish he could take me out of this life so I won't have to be a bother to anyone anymore. I know I don't matter to anyone. Everything would be better if I didn't exist. I could make them happy if I just killed myself. I know it's always been me that's the problem. I was never worthy of love. If only I wasn't myself I could of been happy. If I die, maybe I could be reborn and be worthy of happiness. I wish I could book a hotel and do it. I don't have to worry about anything else in life. I don't want to bother with my problems anymore.

Happiness isn't about what we're worth or deserve. If you feel this shitty, your parents & society neglected your needs and abused you with demands. You're not lazy you're exhausted. Only tools must be useful. You're a person. You can just live your own life for you. You should. You're too exhausted, need self care & don't have energy to waste on abusive assholes.

Rest. Temporarily or permanently. Do whatever the fuck YOU want.

I worked so hard to be perfect for my mom to earn her love. One day I turned the question around. Does SHE deserve MY love. No. So I stopped torturing myself to impress that bitch. You should clean your life of suckers' demands too.

 

[mojabaka]

Same, someone please just shoot me while I sleep.

 

[Sardonia]

Yeah I agree with Hollowillow. Maybe you need a change in your environment. Is there a possiblity you could move out and have your own place soon?

 

[Pluto]

The worst parents are narcissistic vampires who procreate to have someone to drain. Sounds like you've gone through this, too.

I feel unlovable every day, like human love is a language that I never learned to speak. But I know the true origin of the problem is something out of our control.

If you understand this well, you can make a better-informed decision about whether it's worth putting up a fight to discard toxic families and see if it's possible to really know love in this lifetime. I have no other reason to attempt recovery.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's understandable wishing to be free from all problems. Life does just seem to be endless suffering with no real relief. I'm sorry that you have to endure this. It's sad how so much pain exists in the world.

 

[hatehypocrisy]

I don't know what happened to you, but I know you're self-hatred, or self-denial?

 

[TiredLostHope20]

Seems like a peaceful way too. I wish too.

 

[Lain8]

Yeah I agree with Hollowillow. Maybe you need a change in your environment. Is there a possiblity you could move out and have your own place soon?

So I got into trouble at work too. They pretty much said if I thought I was too good to my job cause I got mad that they're making me do extra menial tasks. I already have a ton at my plate and I'm mad that the person who left for a better full time job agreed to work part time to help out so they won't hire another person to replace them. It really sounded to me like they don't want me there cause I'm not a slave wage and I want to have my own life outside of work. I'm already looking for another job but it's hard since I'm a loner and I don't have any immediate references.

I don't know what happened to you, but I know you're self-hatred, or self-denial?

I'm not sure what you mean.

 

[theboy]

I am sorry you are suffering in such an unfair way.
I would also like someone to kill me with a fucking gun.

 

[madiroze]

I've been crying for the last hour and a half. I wish my father would just get rid of me. I know I'm lazy and useless. I wish he could take me out of this life so I won't have to be a bother to anyone anymore. I know I don't matter to anyone. Everything would be better if I didn't exist. I could make them happy if I just killed myself. I know it's always been me that's the problem. I was never worthy of love. If only I wasn't myself I could of been happy. If I die, maybe I could be reborn and be worthy of happiness. I wish I could book a hotel and do it. I don't have to worry about anything else in life. I don't want to bother with my problems anymore.

I can empathise with this way of thinking.

Most nights I visit the local cemetery after dark to feed the foxes who live in the bushes that run along its perimeter. On one of my recent trips I stumbled on two shady looking men conducting what I think was a drug deal behind the Church wall. When they saw me they quickly dispersed in opposite directions while I stood there until I could no longer hear their footsteps crunching on twigs in the undergrowth. Every night since that encounter, I approach the Church wall with the exhilaration of hoping they will be there waiting for me next time, prepared for my visit with a baseball bat and shovel. It is the highlight of my miserable day.