Venting I wish people would try to understand me before they try to stop me

[smok]

I have a sound and logical set of reasons why ctbing is in my best interest and the most probable way to optimize my life experience (?) ik its ironic to think about death in terms of how it affects ones life experience but yeah.

ive shared my thoughts with friends, family, more mental health practitioners than i can count and none of them have came up with a reasonable counter argument, yet despite this they all still so adamantly believe im wrong. When i explain to them my reasons for believing that the majority of the rest of my life is likely going to be suffering and for that reason it makes the most sense to ctb all they respond with is either painfully dull words of encouragement or the half-assed argument that "even if theres a 1% chance that things get better thats a reason to live", no, i will not risk the 99% chance of living a long sad life of suffering just for a 1% chance at happiness and the fact they cant come to terms with that thought process is so frustrating. Even if there was a 49% chance things get equally as good as they have been bad it still makes the most sense to ctb.

my girlfriend and i had a near perfect relationship but it was ruined solely by the fact that i tried to be open to her about my suicidal feelings. it got to be too much for her, i saw the stress it was putting her through and because i loved her but knew i couldnt change (and believe me ive tried) i had to break up with her. I wanted nothing more than to be able to die in her arms feeling warm and maybe even a little happy when i pass but instead of that ive had to lie and lie and lie telling my friends family and her that things are fine, just so that they dont try and stop me. I wish people didnt feel obligated to try and stop me, i know its only because they care about me but i wish they could set aside whatever anti-suicide bias they have and just listen to me first.

i wish suicide didnt have to feel so lonely yk, wish i didnt have to be so miserable for my last couple weeks on earth while i search for sn.

 

[2muchpain2]

I'm sorry you are in this predicament. I am also impressed that you have been able to share your feelings with so many people, even though it cost you your relationship. That should take the shock out of it, if or when you ctb. It is lonely indeed. I wanted to ctb with someone, but it's so hard to find people bc it's not necessarily the sort of thing you bring up to most friends. For me, I think I will do it impulsively, no plans in advance, just because planning it means I back out. I hope you find peace soon and if you want to chat with me I'm here.

 

[HNR_]

I'm seeing more and more people wishing they could talk honestly about it with other people and coming to similar conclusions to yours so know that you're at least not alone in your struggle
I also really wish I could at least tell my father about it so that I don't have to pretend that I have plans for the future, that I should buy some clothes to replace a couple of shirts or whatever that should be thrown in the trash...

Maybe if I lived far away and wasn't at risk of him calling an ambulance or something, I'd do it, partially so he's psychologically ready and partly because I feel like I owe him a warning, I truly can't though, hopefully the notes he'll receive after I CTB will somewhat make things easier for him