Mooncry
✧ delulu girlfailure ✧
- Sep 11, 2024
- 369
This would be so much easier if I had no one who loved me. 99% of my confliction comes from the knowledge that I'm going to hurt so many people. It's not enough of a deterrent to make me not do it, but fuck, if it doesn't make me break down every time I think about it too hard. I feel so guilty. Especially because I'm the oldest sibling—my little sis is supposed to look up to me. She already struggles with her mental health, and god forbid she follows in my footsteps…
I've never cried so consistently over something. I know I won't be around to perceive the effect this will have on others. I know it's all in my head… But the truth is that the world will keep going for them after I'm gone. Just because I'm not around to see the problem doesn't mean it won't be happening. And that hurts…
I keep muttering to myself how sorry I am, but even apologizing sounds disingenuous. Maybe being truly sorry would mean choosing not to do it at all. All I can say anymore is how ashamed I am, but I can't stay. I've stayed for far longer than I ever thought I would and I can no longer handle it.
They'll be so much better off without me. Practically. All I can hope for is that they eventually see that one day. I know expressing my desire to not be loved sounds insensitive to those who want nothing more than to be loved, and I'm sorry for that. But in my case, all it does is add salt to the wound.
I can't wait until I'm free from my head.
I've never cried so consistently over something. I know I won't be around to perceive the effect this will have on others. I know it's all in my head… But the truth is that the world will keep going for them after I'm gone. Just because I'm not around to see the problem doesn't mean it won't be happening. And that hurts…
I keep muttering to myself how sorry I am, but even apologizing sounds disingenuous. Maybe being truly sorry would mean choosing not to do it at all. All I can say anymore is how ashamed I am, but I can't stay. I've stayed for far longer than I ever thought I would and I can no longer handle it.
They'll be so much better off without me. Practically. All I can hope for is that they eventually see that one day. I know expressing my desire to not be loved sounds insensitive to those who want nothing more than to be loved, and I'm sorry for that. But in my case, all it does is add salt to the wound.
I can't wait until I'm free from my head.
