speakinginflowers
old ache growing loud again
- Mar 3, 2024
- 4
I feel profoundly guilty, deeply depressed and full of self-hatred. And yet, I am the most in love I've ever been.
They're kind, understanding, caring. They understand me better than anyone ever has, perhaps more than I even do. They've never said an unkind thing about me in all the time I've known them. I don't feel like I have to seek reassurance that they love me, they give it in the way they treat me and talk to me. They're verbally and physically affectionate. They act like I am the sun, moon and stars. And I'm attracted to them on top of it all. I am incredibly lucky. And yet, having to still be alone all the time, and being too depressed and autistic (or lazy?) to get up the nerve to work. I'm stuck living far from them. I spend about 80-95% of my days entirely alone. And in all the times I'm alone, I make fleeting attempts to be kinder to myself, or distract, or do hobbies. And yet it always leads back to me hurting myself and wishing to die.
They've told me there's no other plan b for them, It's them and I or no one for them. They don't like me even alluding to me ending my life. They're fine discussing my suicidal ideation but if I ever say that I think I might not make it, they tell me full stop that if I end my life, it's the end of their plans on earth as well. Which in some contexts might come off as cruel, certainly. But, they know that there's a mutual love. At the same time, I cannot stand to wake up every morning in the body I'm in, with the brain I have. I try to censor myself, not vent too much. As I don't want to cause them stress. Even though they want to be here for me.
I've tried to find joy in the vessel I have, with all the things inside of it. I've tried to change my behaviors, recover, go to therapy, talk, journal, I've tried! I really have. I fear soon I cannot find the will to try anymore.
I believe they could find the will to go on if I left, for themselves or someone else. Or they'll become disillusioned to me. But what if not? I know it would not be my problem, as I will not be here. I feel like a leech to everyone around me. Or just a ghost. I don't feel like much of a person to love, or I am too much of one. I do not want to live in the world as it is, as the person that I am. I'd like to be more idealistic. And I try. I do, and I have. And I suppose I will for longer. I'm unsure of how much longer.
Thank you for reading.
They're kind, understanding, caring. They understand me better than anyone ever has, perhaps more than I even do. They've never said an unkind thing about me in all the time I've known them. I don't feel like I have to seek reassurance that they love me, they give it in the way they treat me and talk to me. They're verbally and physically affectionate. They act like I am the sun, moon and stars. And I'm attracted to them on top of it all. I am incredibly lucky. And yet, having to still be alone all the time, and being too depressed and autistic (or lazy?) to get up the nerve to work. I'm stuck living far from them. I spend about 80-95% of my days entirely alone. And in all the times I'm alone, I make fleeting attempts to be kinder to myself, or distract, or do hobbies. And yet it always leads back to me hurting myself and wishing to die.
They've told me there's no other plan b for them, It's them and I or no one for them. They don't like me even alluding to me ending my life. They're fine discussing my suicidal ideation but if I ever say that I think I might not make it, they tell me full stop that if I end my life, it's the end of their plans on earth as well. Which in some contexts might come off as cruel, certainly. But, they know that there's a mutual love. At the same time, I cannot stand to wake up every morning in the body I'm in, with the brain I have. I try to censor myself, not vent too much. As I don't want to cause them stress. Even though they want to be here for me.
I've tried to find joy in the vessel I have, with all the things inside of it. I've tried to change my behaviors, recover, go to therapy, talk, journal, I've tried! I really have. I fear soon I cannot find the will to try anymore.
I believe they could find the will to go on if I left, for themselves or someone else. Or they'll become disillusioned to me. But what if not? I know it would not be my problem, as I will not be here. I feel like a leech to everyone around me. Or just a ghost. I don't feel like much of a person to love, or I am too much of one. I do not want to live in the world as it is, as the person that I am. I'd like to be more idealistic. And I try. I do, and I have. And I suppose I will for longer. I'm unsure of how much longer.
Thank you for reading.
