Venting I wish I wasn't so good at masking

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I feel like just because I have happy days or "ok" days, when I meet my doctor I tend to feel like I'm not being taken seriously.

They know that I'm suicidal, they know I have made plans, yet they put me on lamictal and I feel like my mood is swinging back and forth, happy one moment and sad the other moment.

 

[DivineSpark]

I am on lamictal too, but for different reasons. I get epileptic seizures.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I am on lamictal too, but for different reasons. I get epileptic seizures.

Shit im sorry to hear :(, Ive been on lamictal before and while I do feel more energy, the mood swings are rough.

But on the plus side, if it doesn't get better then I always have the choice to CTB

 

[StrugglingSienna]

I feel you so hard. The mood swings I experience throughout the day are brutal. Feeling okay or even happy one moment, and then the next wishing so badly I had a gun on me so I could blow my brains out in front of my coworkers.

And yet, I am so, so good at masking, like you. Rarely does anyone ever express that they're worried about me, and when they do, it seems clear to me that it's a mild anxiety and that they have no clue how dire my mental state is most of the time. Sometimes I want to drop my mask, but then I would most certainly lose my job and probably ruin the rest of my life too. You have to be able to act okay in order to be a free individual in this society.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I feel you so hard. The mood swings I experience throughout the day are brutal. Feeling okay or even happy one moment, and then the next wishing so badly I had a gun on me so I could blow my brains out in front of my coworkers.

And yet, I am so, so good at masking, like you. Rarely does anyone ever express that they're worried about me, and when they do, it seems clear to me that it's a mild anxiety and that they have no clue how dire my mental state is most of the time. Sometimes I want to drop my mask, but then I would most certainly lose my job and probably ruin the rest of my life too. You have to be able to act okay in order to be a free individual in this society.

Agreed, and it really sucks, like what some people don't realize is that, yes even if you have good days, even great days. It is not sustainable to live with suicidal episodes for the rest of your life.

Hugs for you!

 

[ididnotconsent]

I know it sucks but you kinda have to. Otherwise you just burden your loved ones, friends, coworkers or whatever.

The only acceptable person to burden or totally lose your shit in front of is your therapist lol.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I know it sucks but you kinda have to. Otherwise you just burden your loved ones, friends, coworkers or whatever.

The only acceptable person to burden or totally lose your shit in front of is your therapist lol.

Thats true, at the same time i feel like its also due to my autism and its masking, its just exhausting :P

Im a people pleaser so I even worry about disturbing my therapists feelings lmao

 

[nyctophilia]

Yeah I feel you, I am quite good at masking too, but I also kind of have to because I don't want others to worry. And I'm also so used to masking, that I feel like I just do it automatically when I am around other people. And then they say like oh but you don't seem depressed, or you look quite happy. It sucks, I hope they will just listen to you and don't judge based on how you come across.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Yeah I feel you, I am quite good at masking too, but I also kind of have to because I don't want others to worry. And I'm also so used to masking, that I feel like I just do it automatically when I am around other people. And then they say like oh but you don't seem depressed, or you look quite happy. It sucks, I hope they will just listen to you and don't judge based on how you come across.

Thank you ^^, it means alot to hear other people's stories of this, I hope so too and I hope the same for you!

 

[catfriend]

Agreed, and it really sucks, like what some people don't realize is that, yes even if you have good days, even great days. It is not sustainable to live with suicidal episodes for the rest of your life.

exactly! sooner or later, one of those episodes is going to be 'the one'...

 

[timechained]

Yeah I know what you mean. Externally I am good at being ordinary, people don't notice anything unusual, but internally I'm a mess, suffering silently from the variance of needing to die and wanting to live.

They can't feel what you feel, so it's best to find the words that best describes the depths of your emotions. There is nothing worse than opening up and then having them acknowledge what you said but they kind of dismiss it at the same time.