Venting i wish i wasnt like this

[kissmegoodbye]

i am so tired of being suicidal all the time and constantly having bad thoughts that never seem to go away.. even though i feel this way, whenever i am happy it just doesn't feel right. it feels uncomfortable and i know those feelings will fade and i know everything is going to get bad again and i know i subconsciously find ways to get myself depressed to feel comfortable again even though it feels terrible to be like this all the time.. im so tired of hurting the people i care about and always making them worry. i wish so bad i could just be "normal", and just be comfortable with being happy. i wish there was an easy way to be okay with being happy, without the feelings of dread. i know everyone close to me is tired of my moods and problems.. i just want to die so i stop bothering my family and my boyfriend and they won't be so worried over me anymore. i don't want to be a burden to the people that only do good for me and try to help me, they don't deserve to have to go through the pain of trying to fix something that's impossible to.