Venting I wish I was mentally ill

[kvorumese]

I probably don't have any mental illnesses, but I wish I did. And it's not because I romanticize mental illnesses, no, I imagine they can be horrifying and seriously tough to deal with. However, being mentally ill would at least validate my desire to catch the bus.
I understand that there cannot be a valid or invalid reason to ctb, because "suicide is the ultimate display of autonomy" (somebody said that and I completely agree). However, I just don't feel like I'm doing my life justice.
I have attended therapy (not in person, online meetings) for quite a while. I thought I would be freed of my desire to end my life, but I didn't get freed. And at this point, I don't want to. I do not see the appeal to life anymore. But certainly just not enjoying life is not a reason to end it, is it?
Of course I have my problems, regrets (heavy on regrets) and they are also factors. But I can't pinpoint anything concrete.
There isn't currently a driving force that would make me ctb, because I still have business to attend to - a couple unfinished projects and a couple unvisited countries. But there's one condition under which I would kill myself immediately, and that is if I were to get drafted. I live in Russia, and it's a hard knock life as a pacifist, as you might guess.
I have a perfectly fine weight for my height. But I want to slim down as much as possible. So I try to not eat, and physically I can endure long periods without food, but mentally it's been ingrained that before any prolonged activity I need to sit down and have a meal, even if I'm not hungry - then I overeat and blame myself for that. I'll probably be trying out laxatives and/or puking in the near future, because I dislike my weight. But I don't think I have an eating disorder, because in general I love eating, especially if it's a holiday - though I still do blame myself after holidays lol.
I'm working on a project that will help me leave notes. I'm a developer, and I've been working on a web application, in which I could leave notes accessible only after authentication - for example, I could leave a note that would only be available if you logged in with a Google account and your email was "123 (at) gmail dot com". This way I'm incentivizing my own death as well.
I don't know if I truly want to die, but I'm certain that I don't want to live, and I will do anything in my power to do that.
I just feel like a fake, like I don't belong here. There's no valid explanation for why I want to ctb
If you've read through this, please leave any sort of reply. I feel like I'm so alone in this, none of my friends know what I'm truly feeling, this forum is the only place where I can express myself

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can partially relate to this. I was almost relieved to get a diagnosis of mild to moderate depression from my GP when I went years ago. Probably because I thought- oh fine, it's an illness. I'll take the pills they prescribe me and I'll start to feel better. (Fluoexetine- Proxac.) It didn't really work like that.

I'm not sure I do always agree with mental health diagnoses either to be honest. Not to say I don't think mental illness exists but I find its diagnosis and treatment worrying woolly. Out of curiousity- have you always felt like this or, was there a change?

I never know quite how I feel about the connection between a 'normal' healthy brain or a disfunctioning brain and ideation. It isn't at all natural for an animal to want to die. That seems obvious. We are strongly coded to survive. But then- we aren't really all that natural anymore- I would argue. We have developed the ability to form judgements about our lots in life. I wonder- if animals could do that (I'm assuming they can't,) wouldn't they be offing themselves in the millions? If you knew you were at the bottom of the food chain, knew there was a good chance you could end up being eaten alive and had access to N or some other peaceful death... wouldn't you choose that? I wonder why it's considered absurd to think- my life's shit and I want out!

Do you still have the will to want to achieve things in life? Sometimes I wonder if that's the main driving force. The actual will to live. If that's gone, everything does just feel like a bandaid.

 

[kvorumese]

I can partially relate to this. I was almost relieved to get a diagnosis of mild to moderate depression from my GP when I went years ago. Probably because I thought- oh fine, it's an illness. I'll take the pills they prescribe me and I'll start to feel better. (Fluoexetine- Proxac.) It didn't really work like that.

I'm not sure I do always agree with mental health diagnoses either to be honest. Not to say I don't think mental illness exists but I find its diagnosis and treatment worrying woolly. Out of curiousity- have you always felt like this or, was there a change?

I never know quite how I feel about the connection between a 'normal' healthy brain or a disfunctioning brain and ideation. It isn't at all natural for an animal to want to die. That seems obvious. We are strongly coded to survive. But then- we aren't really all that natural anymore- I would argue. We have developed the ability to form judgements about our lots in life. I wonder- if animals could do that (I'm assuming they can't,) wouldn't they be offing themselves in the millions? If you knew you were at the bottom of the food chain, knew there was a good chance you could end up being eaten alive and had access to N or some other peaceful death... wouldn't you choose that? I wonder why it's considered absurd to think- my life's shit and I want out!

Do you still have the will to want to achieve things in life? Sometimes I wonder if that's the main driving force. The actual will to live. If that's gone, everything does just feel like a bandaid.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts. As for your questions - I don't remember when exactly I started feeling this way, I can presume that the concrete feelings started forming 3-4 years ago, but I always used to joke about needing therapy - since I was like 12 years old - even though I didn't have any real mental health problems at that age. As for the second one - I don't think I can answer that in a general manner. It's not like I enjoy or hate achieving things. I just achieve things when I get to.

 

[Trappednocure]

I wish I was only mentally ill aswell. Would be a lot easier than carrying an actual incureable contagious virus.

 

[kvorumese]

I wish I was only mentally ill aswell. Would be a lot easier than carrying an actual incureable contagious virus.

I'm so sorry about that If you don't mind telling, what is the virus?

 

[Trappednocure]

I'm so sorry about that If you don't mind telling, what is the virus?

Hey I actually do mind telling haha. Maybe I will say later but I feel that there are certain things I need to say on this forum and certain things I dont and if I give up too much info then Im not as anon anymore.

It doesnt kill you (sadly) and the contagion risk is low and I feel symptoms every day everywhere in my body. That I will say.

 

[Worndown]

No, you do not.
Your reasons to leave are your own.

 

[kvorumese]

Hey I actually do mind telling haha. Maybe I will say later but I feel that there are certain things I need to say on this forum and certain things I dont and if I give up too much info then Im not as anon anymore.

It doesnt kill you (sadly) and the contagion risk is low and I feel symptoms every day everywhere in my body. That I will say.

This is random, but I'm proud of you setting boundaries haha, I have yet to learn that skill
I don't think the phrase "get better soon" makes sense in the context, but I genuinely wish you that. No matter how impossible it may turn out, until it's done, it's not impossible.

No, you do not.
Your reasons to leave are your own.

I do. A mental illness - any, really - would help me make sense of my brain, even though that sounds counterintuitive

 

[Trappednocure]

This is random, but I'm proud of you setting boundaries haha, I have yet to learn that skill
I don't think the phrase "get better soon" makes sense in the context, but I genuinely wish you that. No matter how impossible it may turn out, until it's done, it's not impossible.

I do. A mental illness - any, really - would help me make sense of my brain, even though that sounds counterintuitive

Wish the worthless FDA could help me get better soon haha.

 

[Worndown]

Being mentally ill and being diagnosed are different in that a diagnosis gives something to work with or against.

 

[kvorumese]

Being mentally ill and being diagnosed are different in that a diagnosis gives something to work with or against.

Yes, you are correct

 

[divinemistress36]

Being mentally ill fuckin sucks! Doctors have no idea how to treat it they just throw random meds at you being a guniea pig. Its a disease of the brain

 

[kvorumese]

Being mentally ill fuckin sucks! Doctors have no idea how to treat it they just throw random meds at you being a guniea pig. Its a disease of the brain

I never said I want to be treated. All I want is an explanation

 

[Allla]

Being mentally ill fuckin sucks! Doctors have no idea how to treat it they just throw random meds at you being a guniea pig. Its a disease of the brain

I agree, it sucks. it is impossible to live normally without pills, but they make the whole body shake, stiffness, vision drops, and health deteriorates. in addition, there is a very high fatigue and the threat of internat.

 

[aespa]

you shouldnt wish for that at all your reasons are valid even if you aren't mentally ill

 

[kvorumese]

you shouldnt wish for that at all your reasons are valid even if you aren't mentally ill

On a "brain" level I understand that reasons to want to ctb can vary and are valid. On a "heart" level I don't believe it would be right for me to die if I don't even have a logical excuse for that. I don't know, I feel like I ended up in the wrong place; yet I can't imagine myself anywhere else

 

[aespa]

On a "brain" level I understand that reasons to want to ctb can vary and are valid. On a "heart" level I don't believe it would be right for me to die if I don't even have a logical excuse for that. I don't know, I feel like I ended up in the wrong place; yet I can't imagine myself anywhere else

My advice is that small feeling might be a sign :)

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Being mentally ill wouldn't make your reasons to ctb any more valid than they already are. Even if you were mentally ill, you'd probably end up feeling the same way as you do right now since a lot of mentally ill individuals feel like their reasons for ctbing aren't valid either. You are chasing a feeling that will never come.

With that in mind, the stuff you are discussing in regards to your eating habits does sound like you are potentially starting to develop an eating disorder (I would look into seeing someone about this if I were you). Starving and purging are also incredibly poor weight loss methods. They produce short-term results and come with all sorts of harmful side effects, such as tooth decay and hair loss. If your weight is within the healthy range for someone around your height and age, then it's better to just accept it. I know it's easier said than done, but most people consider a healthy weight to be a good-looking one. Of course, issues with body image and weight do usually stem deeper than just "looking good", often coinciding with issues such as self-hatred and a need for control, so maybe just making it out to be purely an issue of looking good is a bit too simple of a response to a complex issue...

 

[Leiot]

'Mentally Ill' is just a label. I bet everyone could be labeled that if you dig deep enough. In my world, it just opens up a different layer of health care, along with the stigma of being labeled.

I'm bipolar, and for some reason that scares the hell out of people.

 

[kvorumese]

Being mentally ill wouldn't make your reasons to ctb any more valid than they already are. Even if you were mentally ill, you'd probably end up feeling the same way as you do right now since a lot of mentally ill individuals feel like their reasons for ctbing aren't valid either. You are chasing a feeling that will never come.

With that in mind, the stuff you are discussing in regards to your eating habits does sound like you are potentially starting to develop an eating disorder (I would look into seeing someone about this if I were you). Starving and purging are also incredibly poor weight loss methods. They produce short-term results and come with all sorts of harmful side effects, such as tooth decay and hair loss. If your weight is within the healthy range for someone around your height and age, then it's better to just accept it. I know it's easier said than done, but most people consider a healthy weight to be a good-looking one. Of course, issues with body image and weight do usually stem deeper than just "looking good", often coinciding with issues such as self-hatred and a need for control, so maybe just making it out to be purely an issue of looking good is a bit too simple of a response to a complex issue...

'Mentally Ill' is just a label. I bet everyone could be labeled that if you dig deep enough. In my world, it just opens up a different layer of health care, along with the stigma of being labeled.

I'm bipolar, and for some reason that scares the hell out of people.

Thanks you two. You are probably right, mentally ill is mostly just a label, and my reasons are valid. I believe you're right, because I see reason in your words.