Discussion I wish I thought about suicide earlier

[fkyou]

I wish I thought about suicide earlier.i spent the past years barely trying to survive depressed anxious.if i knew it'd amount to nothing in the end at least I'd try to appreciate the moment -those years-instead of letting time pas by in distress thinking I could "live" later.also id have had much more time to come to terms with ctb fullfiling everything I wanted in those years.i felt like I've lived in these past two years more than I did in the past 7 years.thats because when I decided to ctb i knew it's over if I want to enjoy something - a meal -or do anything I appreciated it's now. But again I don't know if I could have survived all that pressure if it was not for the belief that it will get better (which fkn angers me like how fkn stupid you could be.to never have suicide in mind for once).still it would've been better to keep suicide in mind earlier just so I don't take things seriously relax and live that time. Anyone relate?
I was suffering like crazy back then too.i don't know why it never popped in my mind back then.instead of suffering like a dog for years than having to ctb right after. It would have been a slow mindful journey at least.