I wish I knew how to make people worry about me

[OdeToTheMets]

I don't know if this will make sense to anyone, but I wish I knew if people would go out of their way for me. I feel like I can't really show or explain anything to anyone because it will change how they look at me forever, so I just kind of have to shoulder a lot of weight on my own.
Like do people really think of me at all when I'm not in the room?
I'm worried that I'm just, not normal. Like I'm the only one who has to constantly overthink themselves to fit what everyone else already knows without thinking about it. Sometimes I feel smarter than others, other times it feels like I'm missing things, but either way I just have to pay attention to it all and I'm worried that no one else is doing that and doesn't have to.
I don't know who to talk to, I can't let someone see my face if I were to talk like this.

I wish I could unload all my messy thoughts to someone and never see them again, just so I can see the concerned look on their face, I just want to see it, without having to worry about how they'll look at me from now on. It's pathetic but I think I just genuinely want to see someone care about me.

oh my god, oh my fucking God I think I'm realizing I'm starving
I think I'm actually just emotionally starving and have been my entire life. I think I might really be fucked up and no one realizes

Do you guys ever wonder if you're just completely off the path?

please someone kill me, I can't do it
I think part of the reason I find suicide so attractive is because I have a sick love of the idea of finally surprising everyone. Leaving them wondering for years what made me do it. How bad things were. Finally have people worry for me.

I don't know if that's normal
does that all make sense? please tell me someone understands

 

[gottacheckout]

Hey OTTM, mind if I call you OTTM? OK, take a couple breaths. Nothing you are feeling hasn't been felt by many of us here on sasu. We want to know if there is anyone out there that really cares about us. Will we be missed if we aren't around anymore. Do others think this way, sometimes smart and other times wtf is going on? In many cases the answers are yes even if you can't see it now. It may have been a decade or two (or four) since I've been where you are but I think I understand.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi

Do you guys ever wonder if you're just completely off the path?

Y e s
Most of what you describe I relate to a lot. Specially the constant overthinking, the social dread and confusion, and the weight of being emotionally starved cos you can't confide this to people in your life without the fear of them never ever looking at you the same way.
Turns out
that feels pretty freaking awful.
Not a great state of existence at all when you feel that alone and without a needed support for what you are going through. Thinking of suicide as a sort of call for help, even if beyond the grave, make sense from that situation. I don't think it would help much by then, duh, but I feel you.
In truth if you feel emotionally starved and feel like you desperatedly need to get this thoughts out and find someone to rely on, you should look for that. Remain eating it up and it will eat you from the inside even more with time. You can try professional help if you haven't already, a psychologist, though scary at first for that face to face, is very similar to that you describe of a someone you tell and then never see again, if you'd want to, thing is you set the rules there + they can help not just by listening.
If anything, an even closer example of that person to not see again, is us! or rather the people here. Believe me you are not alone in those feelings, you can lurk for a while and realize yourself. People do care and relate here and most importantly listen. So if you feel like talking or venting or anything that might make your pain more bearable, and I agree you seem to need that, please do. Vent your heart out no one will judge you here, and it might make you feel better.
I hope you find some comfort, lots of hugs <33<3<3

 

[ReincarnatedGibbon]

this is very relatable, and you're not alone.
i don't know how to help, but know that your struggles are real.
while hitchhiking i've experienced many people who, toward the end of the ride, begin sharing all kinds of personal stuff with me. i think many people long for someone who will listen to them, but can't find anyone in their social circle.
so idk, maybe go to a bar and vent to some nice person? if they want to listen ofc. it can be overwhelming listening to people's problems, but it can also be healing and cathartic for both parties.
just know that there are many people like you in the world, even if you haven't found them yet, and when you do, they will understand everything:)<3