Help I wish I knew how to make myself do it

[symphony]

Around the time I first joined SS I was very actively planning my exit. More recently, my biggest fear has been that I'll spend the next 60 years of my life suffering and daydreaming about the best and greatest methods and talking on and on about how I really do want to die and someday I'm going to do it, you'll see!! Until I die of old age or some shit.

It's like I somehow no longer know how to kill myself. And I don't mean methods. I've read every word of the PPeH and a bunch of methods talk on SS. But it's not just as easy as drinking SN like it was a glass of water either.

I do believe that I really truly want to die, but it's like something's holding me back and I don't know why. Part of it is fear for sure. I wish I knew what I could do to make it more likely that I would actually end up dead sometime soon. So please share any suggestions! Like obviously I could buy means, but that requires a financial investment into suicide and some commitment in terms of actually picking and pursuing a method. Plus, I feel like I might feel obligated to die or regardless be more likely to actually carry through, and while that's exactly what I want, it also scares me?

I don't know. I don't know how people do it. How many other SS-ers do it. And sometimes I envy them for that. At least they got out.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

To me it sounds like you don't want to die. You still have hope it seems. If you wanted to die, an investment into some means to accomplish that would even be a question. Others do it because they've had enough, they've lost hope, they can't take anymore. It doesn't sound like you're there. It's not the means that gives you the commitment to actually ctb. The obligation comes first.

 

[The Abyss]

When you've hit bottom you'll know, survival instinct is stopping you, your problems are either something you can fix in which case try or; not which is a shame. Money? Temporary shit; if it stops your suffering use it, won't need it in death anyway unless the Egyptians were right all along.

Only things stopping me atm are a dad that has no one else to rely on, possibility my arm pain could get diagnosed correctly & addressed, last thing being I wanna go explore another country, the rest is trivial.

 

[Interloper]

I've been intentionally making bad choices from the very first day I started feeling suicidal and hoped it would eventually be enough but that hasn't worked (well enough) in over a decade so far. Granted, I have my means, but what got me the closest to actually ingesting it was a bunch of stuff together.

A list of demotivational sentences that apply to me.
A list of people I will never, ever be able to talk to again.
Things I feel guilty about having done, if it concerned a living being, I printed out a picture to have with me to really break me down.
A playlist of sad music.
Knowing I have no remaining business left to wrap up.

Stuff like that, things that really break me down.

There was still fear, mostly irrational stuff about the method. I basically have to keep battering the wall that keeps getting rebuilt after the smallest bit of hope enters my silly brain, using the stuff mentioned above. If you have absolutely no means yet I would suggest buying one at the very least to see how you feel after you make a step like that. It could just be some rope from a hardware store, doesn't have to be anything fancy and it doesn't mean you have to actually use that method.

 

[symphony]

To me it sounds like you don't want to die. You still have hope it seems. If you wanted to die, an investment into some means to accomplish that would even be a question. Others do it because they've had enough, they've lost hope, they can't take anymore. It doesn't sound like you're there. It's not the means that gives you the commitment to actually ctb. The obligation comes first.

Cool. Tell that to my constant inescapable suffering with no prospect of improvement. Tell that to my 3 past failed attempts. Every day is painful and nothing brings me any happiness anymore. This has been my life for years. I have no will to live. I am constantly wishing I was dead. Wishing I could just get over myself and fucking do something about it already. Beating myself up for being too much of a goddamned coward.

When you've hit bottom you'll know, survival instinct is stopping you, your problems are either something you can fix in which case try or; not which is a shame. Money? Temporary shit; if it stops your suffering use it, won't need it in death anyway unless the Egyptians were right all along.

Only things stopping me atm are a dad that has no one else to rely on, possibility my arm pain could get diagnosed correctly & addressed, last thing being I wanna go explore another country, the rest is trivial.

In May I wrote about how I don't believe in "rock bottom". It can always, always be worse. Years ago I thought the pain would finally kill me and here I am, still in agony.

To be clear, I have absolutely no will to live. I want to be dead. But it seems my will to actively kill myself to accomplish that just isn't high enough to overcome all my mental blocks around it. And I would like to change that so I can kill myself and be done with this bullcrap.

 

[Zegers]

Don't worry, if you really want to quit, you will at some point regardless of the method.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, the only reason as to why I am still alive is because I fear the method failing and I have a lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit. I do envy those with the courage to leave and I think that if I knew the answer I would already be gone. I think that you cannot force yourself to be ready and only you know when it is time to leave. Suicide really is so difficult after all, as all humans are programmed to survive. Dying should be easier and I understand why you are so frustrated. It really can be so dreadful being trapped in a life of suffering with no escape. Maybe those who managed to leave finally got so desperate and they just went through with it.