Venting I wish I had suffered more

[Neptunette]

I know that that is a very weird thing to say. I don't really want that. However, the thought of having suffered so much, and so visibly, that when I end my life people would not question it, is comforting to me. "Id kill myself too if I were her". I wish I had died as a little girl, pure, sweet and pitiable, full of hope, ended it on a high note. I wish I hadn't socialised as much, so there wouldn't be so many memories of me left behind, I wish my likeness had not been captured in photos, I wish for there to be nothing left of me when I leave. I wish people wouldn't have a clue who I was, so they wouldn't talk about how pathetic I was once they hear of me killing myself. I wish I would just do it already and stop dragging this on for so long, just because I am scared. I am seeing that it only gets worse and worse, that I should just stop while I am ahead, yet for some reason I am still here. I am a horrible person, I don't deserve life either way. To many, life is precious, to me, it is a burden, something I am willing to throw away. I need to make space. I have living, I hate living, I hate living, but I'm scared

 

[struggles_inc]

I think people would never see one's suffering as enough and would still find a reason to dismiss it all. You don't have to feel bad for others to understand you.