i wish i had nothing

[no.surprises]

this sounds ungrateful, of course i am so happy to have a support system, friends, an education etc., but i actually hate it. i hate it because it makes CTB hard. doing it would change a lot of peoples lives. as someone who believes people should have the freedom to CTB, i feel as though i dont even have the ability to choose that

 

[curiousbeing]

Why do you feel suicidal ? As for me, it's emptiness , sort of existential crisis and intense nostalgia

 

[no.surprises]

Why do you feel suicidal ? As for me, it's emptiness , sort of existential crisis and intense nostalgia

i just dont feel a will to live. i dont want to be a slave in the capitalist system, i dont want to do everything errands, i completely exhausted all the time. i simply just do not want to live this life, but of course i am forced to work hard and make a living. nothing in life seems worth it

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

yikes, I wanna have your problems, seriously (bc then I would never have had a problem and wouldnt be suicidal to begin with)

In all seriousness tho: Gotta choose whether you like to be 'egoistic' and fulfil your needs (CTB) or theirs (live). No one can make that decision for you.

 

[TransientEternal]

Nobody has anything. Everything we have is borrowed. Eternal life doesn't exist and death will take everything we have.

 

[bitter]

Why do you feel suicidal ? As for me, it's emptiness , sort of existential crisis and intense nostalgia

I relate to this a lot. I just feel so numb now. But needing to act like everything's okay means forcing a smile, manufacturing happiness, and telling people things I know aren't true. So much of life is performative. It feels like most of my life has been spent pretending to enjoy a life someone else designed for me, rather than one I wanted to live. People see me for someone I'm not. No one really understands me. People think the worst of me, or they expect things of me and are inevitably disappointed. It hurts so much to be so utterly useless.

Sorry for the mini rant. I was just inspired by your comment and felt like sharing.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Have you thoroughly looked into medical causes for fatigue? I've had issues with my physical health over the years and that profound sense of exhaustion sounds physical.

 

[GoldenTicket]

Why do you feel suicidal ? As for me, it's emptiness , sort of existential crisis and intense nostalgia

Feel free not to anwser, but I'm curious about the intense nostalgia part and how it ties into being suicidal.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

that profound sense of exhaustion sounds physical.

Which?

Feel free not to anwser, but I'm curious about the intense nostalgia part and how it ties into being suicidal.

Speculating here, but I often find myself in nostalgia about the life I had 10 years ago where I would not ever think about CTBing and how good life was back then. I sucks to have lost that and it's another layer that adds to my pain. I would assume something similar

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Which?

i just dont feel a will to live. i dont want to be a slave in the capitalist system, i dont want to do everything errands, i completely exhausted all the time. i simply just do not want to live this life, but of course i am forced to work hard and make a living. nothing in life seems worth it

That sounds like an underlying level of fatigue to me, based on me being a person with an underlying level of fatigue. Even when I feel emotionally well, which has been much of my life, I've struggled with fatigue. And that sounds worth ruling out thyroid, iron/anemia issues, etc.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

That sounds like an underlying level of fatigue to me, based on me being a person with an underlying level of fatigue. Even when I feel emotionally well, which has been much of my life, I've struggled with fatigue. And that sounds worth ruling out thyroid, iron/anemia issues, etc.

Hm, could be.
Also sounds just like anhedonia tho, like a lot of people are suffering from here for a variety of reasons
What physical reasons are you referring to specifically, it sounded like you had something particular in mind?! because if there is any, I also need to know and find out if I have some shit like this.

 

[desiderium]

A good support system can (at times) feel suffocating.

You're not alone in your guilt over feeling suicidal despite having 'everything.' Having people who care about you, an education, a support system, and other resources don't take away your ability to feel what you feel. They don't guarantee happiness, though I really wish they did. Sometimes these resources make you feel even worse for still having the thoughts and feelings you have, and that is a guilt all in itself.

I'm sorry life is so difficult. I hope you find peace soon, however you choose to find it.

 

[bitter]

Speculating here, but I often find myself in nostalgia about the life I had 10 years ago where I would not ever think about CTBing and how good life was back then. I sucks to have lost that and it's another layer that adds to my pain. I would assume something similar

Adding to this. I feel like one aspect that makes nostalgia so painful sometimes is the dichotomy it creates. You know it's something real, something that happened. But you also see how things are now, and they're so different. It gives you a timeline. And within it you see the progressive destruction of your own life. You watch yourself dying, becoming gradually invisible and forgotten. The person that you once were doesn't exist anymore. The dreams you had disappeared after reality continued to set in year after year. Imagination became a prison instead of the origin of exciting ideas. Because your mind now constantly reminds you of the hopelessness of everything now compared to then. Suicide eventually becomes the focus of so much of your life because all you have become is a shell of the self that already abandoned you.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Hm, could be.
Also sounds just like anhedonia tho, like a lot of people are suffering from here for a variety of reasons
What physical reasons are you referring to specifically, it sounded like you had something particular in mind?! because if there is any, I also need to know and find out if I have some shit like this.

Depression can cause fatigue, but physical causes of fatigue can also cause depression. So it's important to rule stuff out.

An iron panel that includes ferritin is a good place to start. Vitamin D and B12 levels and intrinsic factor. A thyroid panel that includes free and reverse T3 as well as T4 and TSH. Testosterone levels for guys is another big one. A saliva four point cortisol test (which checks at four different times during the day.)

It's important to do some research into every test and learn what optimal levels are vs. lab ranges. It's important to look at the actual numbers on your tests and research what they mean, instead of trusting when your doctor says they're "fine."

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Depression can cause fatigue

Most likely it's this for me, but I saved your post and will do some tests next time I am able to
Thanks, very helpful :)