I WISH I HAD CTB

[StarryStarry]

I regret not ctb. Now, I don't have enough money for my own fucking funeral (cremation). I wish I had found someone to take Sweet Pea so I didn't feel guilty about leaving her behind. Now I have to continue living in this shitty ass world, struggling to survive, making lousy decisions for my life. I knew nothing would change in my life. I knew it would suck forever. Now I'm stuck until I can save enough money to ctb. The only good thing that has come out of this is the fact that I can spend more time with Sweet Pea. It's pathetic when a human being is alive only for the love of a cat. How pathetic is that? Every night I go to bed I hope to not wake up - no more worrying, no more tears, no more stress and anxiety, no more depression. NO MORE FEELINGS at all. Just sheer nothingness. The loneliness alone is killing me. Sorry if this sounds melodramatic, I'm just tired of living. Again thanks for listening.

 

[Graytaichi]

Im listening, dont worry abt funeral expenses it should be well taken care of.

 

[StarryStarry]

Im listening, dont worry abt funeral expenses it should be well taken care of.

I have no family and no friends. They'll buy me in some plot of ground which is what I don't want. I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the desert. Simple. If I don't pay for my own funeral then they (the government) will do what they want. Insurance won't help because it will be a suicide and you have to have insurance for two years for it to pay off.

 

[LostAllHope88]

I definitely get it I've hardly left my home in the last 2 years. The pandemic took my social anxiety and drove it through the roof. I didn't have any real friends beforehand, just co-workers, and when we all started working from home my socializing really took a dive. I think I'm agoraphobic to a degree but I haven't been to therapy in over 10 years because all that did was get me hooked on benzos which were a nightmare to quit.

Anyhow, I live with my brother and his 2 cats and we don't speak at all. I haven't actually spoken to him since thanksgiving when we were forced to. I love his cats though, I'll truly miss them. I don't talk to anyone…I've been ignoring texts and phone calls for the better part of the last year. I just don't know how to pretend to be okay, when I'm not at all…but I don't want people to know that. It's not even out of shame, it's just that I know that no one can help me or would even be willing. I'm trapped in this despair with no way out but CTB.

Sorry if I rambled, probably a side effect of the loneliness. But if you ever need to vent I'm here to listen!

 

[StarryStarry]

I definitely get it I've hardly left my home in the last 2 years. The pandemic took my social anxiety and drove it through the roof. I didn't have any real friends beforehand, just co-workers, and when we all started working from home my socializing really took a dive. I think I'm agoraphobic to a degree but I haven't been to therapy in over 10 years because all that did was get me hooked on benzos which were a nightmare to quit.

Anyhow, I live with my brother and his 2 cats and we don't speak at all. I haven't actually spoken to him since thanksgiving when we were forced to. I love his cats though, I'll truly miss them. I don't talk to anyone…I've been ignoring texts and phone calls for the better part of the last year. I just don't know how to pretend to be okay, when I'm not at all…but I don't want people to know that. It's not even out of shame, it's just that I know that no one can help me or would even be willing. I'm trapped in this despair with no way out but CTB.

Sorry if I rambled, probably a side effect of the loneliness. But if you ever need to vent I'm here to listen!

I'm sorry you are in such pain, but I do understand. It's like a vicious cycle. Every now and then there's a sliver of hope, then reality pokes its ugly head and brings you back to reality. I know my cat is 12 years old and she won't live forever. I'm hoping to have enough money by the time she passes so I can ctb. That's all I'm living for is to ctb.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

I would think that cremation is less expensive than a plot, but I haven't thought of this at all honestly and I'm not sure if it varies by country. Also, who would scatter them in the desert? I'm kind of clueless about that part. I don't really mind what happens once I've said my adios. I'm not sure how old sweet pea is, but if it's an older cat I'm not sure if you would be able to find a retirement home or somewhere where you could reach out to - a lot of elderly people are very lonely and would be able to give her a lot of attention and care or reaching out online like Craigslist. You know her best, but my grandma had a stray cat for 18 years until the cat passed away while she's in a nursing home. May be an idea to think about.

 

[LostAllHope88]

I'm sorry you are in such pain, but I do understand. It's like a vicious cycle. Every now and then there's a sliver of hope, then reality pokes its ugly head and brings you back to reality. I know my cat is 12 years old and she won't live forever. I'm hoping to have enough money by the time she passes so I can ctb. That's all I'm living for is to ctb.

Same here, CTB is inevitable in the very near future for me. Once my mom did it the green light lit up and the plan was set. As for your cat honestly I would be be the same way. Too anxious to leave it behind thinking about how others would treat it, how lonely it might be without me. Actually I feel that way with my brother's cats sometimes because I'm with them every day while he's hardly ever around so we've developed pretty close bonds. But in the end they're his and I know I can leave and they'll still be taken care of. You're a good person sticking around for Sweet Pea's sake, honestly it's horrible you have as much pain as you do but at least you're making someone happy by staying

 

[waitingforrest]

It sucks that insurance won't help, and saving up enough money would be a emotionally draining thing to do when life sucks.

It's okay in my book to live just for a cat, humans are overrated. But I can still find myself wishing to be around people. It seems I will be alone till the day I die. I sometimes find myself pathetic for living just for trivial reasons.

It's fine to vent and be melodramatic because f**k the world. Life is tiring and you have every reason to be melodramatic.

I look back and wonder if I should have ctb when life hasn't gotten any better. I know that it will be exhausting to have to wake up everyday in this horrible world alone. It won't be easy, but eventually you won't have to suffer no more. Until you decide it is time, I hope that even in this messed up world, things won't get harder for you.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Now I am in a similar situation and I understand you.

There is nothing pathetic about loving your pets.
We are responsible for those who have been tamed.
This is absolutely normal.

It's a pity that you can't find a safe place for Sweet Pea yet.

You can always write to me personally if you feel bad.

 

[MirrorBreaker]

It's pathetic when a human being is alive only for the love of a cat.

Please understand that there is nothing pathetic about wanting to interact with a being which makes you happier. Don't think that just because it is not human interaction it is not worthy of being something that keeps you going. I am sure that Sweet Pea loves you very much.

Sorry if this sounds melodramatic, I'm just tired of living.

Also I don't think there's anything melodramatic about feeling this way. It somewhat describes how I myself feel most of the time, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in feeling this way. Hope you either feel better or at least find a peaceful solution.

 

[_Minsk]

Same for me, but hey at least we tried

 

[summers]

I have no family and no friends. They'll buy me in some plot of ground which is what I don't want. I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the desert. Simple. If I don't pay for my own funeral then they (the government) will do what they want. Insurance won't help because it will be a suicide and you have to have insurance for two years for it to pay off.

Even if you paid for your own cremation, who would scatter your ashes?

Btw, I cremated a family member. It was around $1000.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish I left this world a long time ago, as it would have prevented a lot of suffering. Every day I hope to fall asleep and never wake, I just want to be free from this miserable existence. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are struggling. Life can be very depressing and tiring and I know that it can be dreadful when everything is hopeless. I wish you the best.