I'm torn. I've had some amazing life experiences since my first suicidal thoughts at 19. But I've also experienced exceptional pain and heartache. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it... if I wouldn't have preferred death over the suffering I've had to endure these past 18 years.
Good point, wish I did it younger. I've had many attempts, but now I would just leave a bigger mess :(
ghostspace
ghost space, ghosts pace
- Feb 10, 2020
- 410
I wish I did it when I was 12. I wanted to run out onto the highway, which is a shitty way to ctb but I couldn't think of another way back then.
I wouldn't have hurt so many people if I'd been brave enough to kill myself at 12.
I wouldn't have hurt so many people if I'd been brave enough to kill myself at 12.
lighthousekeeper
Member
- Jun 29, 2020
- 37
Same... if I would've woken up just a bit earlier I could've fully hanged myself.
wait.what
no really, what?
- Aug 14, 2020
- 984
If we're wishing for alternate histories, I would prefer to have been born somebody else, someone without crippling mental illnesses. If I absolutely have to have existed in the world with the brain I have, I would have liked life to be as short as possible. If I could have been a zygote that didn't implant, that would have been great. That way no one could have gotten attached to me, and it would have been nothing to go back to nonexistence.
The thing is, people actually love me for some reason, and it would really hurt them if I killed myself now. None of this helps me at all, though, because it's like there's a glass barrier between me and other people. I can see the signs of love are there. I don't think they're lying to me when they say they love me. But I can't feel pleasure or warmth from it. If you've ever seen the movie version of Wuthering Heights, there's a scene in the beginning where there's a ghost character standing outside her former house, and she's screaming that she's cold and wants to come in, but she never can. That's what being alive feels like to me. I can watch other people, and kind of go through the motions of interacting with them, but inside I just feel cold and dead. None of their joy in life ever gets inside me.
The thing is, people actually love me for some reason, and it would really hurt them if I killed myself now. None of this helps me at all, though, because it's like there's a glass barrier between me and other people. I can see the signs of love are there. I don't think they're lying to me when they say they love me. But I can't feel pleasure or warmth from it. If you've ever seen the movie version of Wuthering Heights, there's a scene in the beginning where there's a ghost character standing outside her former house, and she's screaming that she's cold and wants to come in, but she never can. That's what being alive feels like to me. I can watch other people, and kind of go through the motions of interacting with them, but inside I just feel cold and dead. None of their joy in life ever gets inside me.
Sometimes I wish I did it at 14 which is when I had my first serious plans. But college and the later part of high school went ok, ofc there's stuff I wish I could've done differently, but I'm glad I got the experience of making money and graduating and stuff.
I do wish I acted a little more crazy as a kid. Like maybe got into a fight, talk back to teachers, and defended myself, etc. Generally be more bold and active. When you're a kid there's like no consequences for that kind of thing, and once you leave the little world of school, none of it matters.
I feel like I would've developed more confidence in myself (and thus not have so many issues with mental illness) if I had been more strongwilled then. And maybe I'd feel less frustrated and regretful also.
I do wish I acted a little more crazy as a kid. Like maybe got into a fight, talk back to teachers, and defended myself, etc. Generally be more bold and active. When you're a kid there's like no consequences for that kind of thing, and once you leave the little world of school, none of it matters.
I feel like I would've developed more confidence in myself (and thus not have so many issues with mental illness) if I had been more strongwilled then. And maybe I'd feel less frustrated and regretful also.
Nymph
he/him
- Jul 15, 2020
- 2,565
Nicebuddimtim
Ghost
- Jun 28, 2020
- 109
I agree I wish I'd done it when I first felt like this about 12 years old. I'm only 23 but the last 11 years has been hell and i feel I've just wasted everyone's time money and effort in trying to make me feel better when in reality I feel worse for it
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
I was too depressed to do it right when I was young. I took a few opioid type pills, got scared, and when half conscious called the ambulance and some friends who threw me into a cold shower to snap me out of it. I would probably do the same thing now actually, so why bother. sigh.
sadworld
existence is a nightmare
- Aug 25, 2020
- 3,870
When i was young i've used many sleeping pills and i thought i would sleep forever... in the last few years i tried to jump but either i was too scared or someone hold me back... it's so annoying i wish i've never been born.
Drowning fish
I want to die
- Sep 9, 2020
- 76
DominusWreck
BloodRider666
- Aug 2, 2020
- 62
No, rare moments of joy do not in any way trump the torture of the rest (99%) of the time. Beseides, memory tends to idealise memories. The happy moments get amplified and bad shit fades
So the reality of life was and is worse than u even remember. Stop throwing your pro life shit around this place.
No one buys it on this forum
