I wish I didn't have to die

[symphony]

From this point, it seems highly, highly likely that I will CTB within a year or so. I've largely accepted that, and now my mind is working to comprehend the reality of death. I find I've been mourning for the things that cannot be and were never destined to be.

I'll miss out on watching the stars and the moon and the milky way.
I'll miss out on watching the rain and listening to it fall on the roof and the windows.
I'll miss out on long hours with my cat, her snuggling up against me and purring on my chest.
I'll miss out on enjoying old and new favorite movies, shows, music, and books.
I'll miss out on learning hundreds of thousands of things that fascinate me to no end.
I'll miss out on living up to my potential and achieving something great.
I'll miss out on my hobbies and creating all sorts of things I find beautiful.
I'll miss out on gardening, watching something green grow from a seed to a flourishing plant.
I'll miss out on eating comfort food and baking desserts and squares of dark chocolate.
I'll miss out on forging real connections with loved ones.
I'll miss out on leaving a positive mark on the world, doing something meaningful with my talents to help others.

It saddens me to no end to think of leaving that all behind.

----------------

But in reality? All these things present a pretty idealistic view of what my life has become. Sure, maybe they somewhat described my life in the past. Maybe they'd even be present in my future. But regardless, my reality is predominated by agony. No matter how much I might theoretically want to live for some other reason, my life has become unendurable. I have not chosen to come to suicide, I have been driven to it because the alternative is untenable.

I would rather not die so young and leave this all behind. But, alas, I have to.

 

[Red Scare]

I don't think any one of us wants to die, depressed people don't want to die. They want things to get better. The fact is for some of us it will never get any better.

Now that's not an endorsement of suicide. Many a person who committed suicide on impulse or in a moment of feeling weak, probably thought nothing could ever improve in their life and they were in their lowest moment. Certainly my husband, who did just that. But I know for a fact that things were not even as bad as they had ever been in his life at that moment. It was a dark day for sure, but we'd had worse, and there was plenty of room to improve.

I can see both sides of it. The position I have found myself since my spouse died, is one that is not getting better. I am also physically disabled, and that will never get any better. There was a time when my life was good, I wanted to live forever, I never wanted it to end.

I really feel this and what you wrote, because I still feel like a love for life, and stargazing, and listening to music, and all these things, but that is just nostalgia. The reality of my life is more horrible than anyone here will ever know. I can't even put it into words. I didn't want things to turn out this way, I never wanted to be remembered for committing suicide, but that is just my pride. And a part of my pride is also why I refuse to live this indignity. So maybe I am just a prideful bastard, just like my husband.

All I know is that this feels like the only choice I have left. If I don't make it, I will regret it for years to come and endure even more terrible years than I want to have to.... there's also growing old to think about....

 

[symphony]

I don't think any one of us wants to die, depressed people don't want to die. They want things to get better. The fact is for some of us it will never get any better.

Now that's not an endorsement of suicide. Many a person who committed suicide on impulse or in a moment of feeling weak, probably thought nothing could ever improve in their life and they were in their lowest moment. Certainly my husband, who did just that. But I know for a fact that things were not even as bad as they had been in his life at that moment. It was a dark day for sure, but we had worse, and there was plenty of room to improve.

I can see both sides of it. The position I have found myself since my spouse died, is one that is not getting better. I a, also physically disabled, and that will never get any better. There was a time when my life was good, I wanted to live forever, I wanted it to never end.

I really feel this and what you wrote, because I still feel like a love for life, and stargazing, and listening to music, and all these things but that is just nostalgia. The reality of my life is more horrible than anyone here will ever know. I can't even put it into words. I didn't want things to turn out this way, I never wanted to be remembered for committing suicide, but that is just my pride. And a part of my pride is also why I refuse to live this indignity. So maybe I am just a prideful bastard just like my husband.

All I know is that this feels like the only choice I have left. If I don't make it, I will regret it for years to come and endure even more terrible years than I want to have to.... there's also growing old to think about....

Thanks for sharing. I wish I had something more to say in response, but I appreciate you sharing your story and I wish you all the best. It's just tragic to find yourself in such a situation. I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

 

[Someone123]

My life had so much more potential, when I was in my twenties I just needed to know what to focus on- I think of the chances and opportunities that slipped through my fingers, people that slipped out of my life, and I really wish I could have it back. The closer I get to ctb the more I regret missing what my life could have been.

 

[symphony]

My life had so much more potential, when I was in my twenties I just needed to know what to focus on- I think of the chances and opportunities that slipped through my fingers, people that slipped out of my life, and I really wish I could have it back. The closer I get to ctb the more I regret missing what my life could have been.

I hear that. The tragedy is in what our situations have stolen from us in driving us to suicide.

 

[SpaceCadet]

Unfortunately my other options are not looking good at all. Rather die on my feet than live on my knees, at this point i accept my fate, hopefully i won't suffer too much

 

[symphony]

Unfortunately my other options are not looking good at all. Rather die on my feet than live on my knees, at this point i accept my fate, hopefully i won't suffer too much

Yeah, I have a similar view. Even if both options are terrible, death seems clearly better. Even if it would put an end to my pleasures in the world, it would also more importantly put an end to my pain.

 

[meetapple]

My life had so much more potential, when I was in my twenties I just needed to know what to focus on- I think of the chances and opportunities that slipped through my fingers, people that slipped out of my life, and I really wish I could have it back. The closer I get to ctb the more I regret missing what my life could have been.

I have felt that way for so long that I have just gotten used to it.

 

[SpaceCadet]

Yeah, I have a similar view. Even if both options are terrible, death seems clearly better. Even if it would put an end to my pleasures in the world, it would also more importantly put an end to my pain.

In my family there's a relative who lived most of his life unhappy, working for minimum wage, with a failed marriage (both hate each other and just stay together for the sake of their children), now with health problems which make life even worse. Nowadays he's too old to change anything. Is that life worth it? Maybe for him it does. Not for me, i can't just push it through just for the sake of it

 

[FuneralCry]

It is a very cruel and unfair life, where people feel as though they have no other choice but to die. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[sharky]

My life had so much more potential, when I was in my twenties I just needed to know what to focus on- I think of the chances and opportunities that slipped through my fingers, people that slipped out of my life, and I really wish I could have it back. The closer I get to ctb the more I regret missing what my life could have been.

Man, I feel this. This is literally me. The memories and thoughts are killing me