Venting I wish I didn’t give a shit

[toxicjester]

I hate how I care too much about others(or maybe just a narcissistic desire to be seen as kind) and how it's keeping me alive.

I have to deal with my debts so that my family doesn't get saddled with it. I need to figure out my property situation and how to not leave my dad homeless with a wife with cancer. Wanting to fix my relationship with my gf before I go so that she doesn't feel guilty that we weren't on good terms. So so scared that my mom will get deported and then my younger siblings will be in foster care if they don't get deported also all because I wouldn't be there to step up and start supporting also.

I want to be a seal care trainer. I want it so so bad. But nothing else feels good or real. For the past week from the moment I wake up to when I sleep, I hit my weed cart or straight up smoke at all hours so that I'm never sober. Being sober makes it all hurt horrible.

My gf is convinced I hate her.

I keep thinking of my closest friend in high school who felt like the closet thing to a sister. She's a scientist now. Before we stopped talking she had recently gotten diagnosed with OCD. Her blocking me sent me towards the events that led me to finding this website.

I don't know why I'm putting this here instead of on my profile. I think I want advice? But if I'm being a little more honest it's just this narcissistic desire to be seen and have my emotions heard even though I'm whining about everything that I've just done to myself.

Whatever

 

[Pale_Rider]

I have to agree. Taking care of Dad is pretty important. Especially with the rest.


I think you just wanted to share. Thats not narcissistic, and I hear you.

 

[toxicjester]

I have to agree. Taking care of Dad is pretty important. Especially with the rest.


I think you just wanted to share. Thats not narcissistic, and I hear you.

I love my family and my dad and he's also been starting to have liver problems because of his drinking(gee I wonder who I got my substance abuse gene from) :(

It just feels like I'm making myself the victim when I caused all of the problems I'm facing and I'm too stupid or too lazy or too stubborn to buck the fuck up and fix it

Sweetness you are tho thank u

 

[Graham.N]

I hate how I care too much about others(or maybe just a narcissistic desire to be seen as kind) and how it's keeping me alive.

I have to deal with my debts so that my family doesn't get saddled with it. I need to figure out my property situation and how to not leave my dad homeless with a wife with cancer. Wanting to fix my relationship with my gf before I go so that she doesn't feel guilty that we weren't on good terms. So so scared that my mom will get deported and then my younger siblings will be in foster care if they don't get deported also all because I wouldn't be there to step up and start supporting also.

I want to be a seal care trainer. I want it so so bad. But nothing else feels good or real. For the past week from the moment I wake up to when I sleep, I hit my weed cart or straight up smoke at all hours so that I'm never sober. Being sober makes it all hurt horrible.

My gf is convinced I hate her.

I keep thinking of my closest friend in high school who felt like the closet thing to a sister. She's a scientist now. Before we stopped talking she had recently gotten diagnosed with OCD. Her blocking me sent me towards the events that led me to finding this website.

I don't know why I'm putting this here instead of on my profile. I think I want advice? But if I'm being a little more honest it's just this narcissistic desire to be seen and have my emotions heard even though I'm whining about everything that I've just done to myself.

Whatever

Don't faulty your emotions. Caring is good. I can't tell your intention on what her being a scientists now means to you. If that was her goal then that awesome. That's that I wanted to do when I went back to college, but calculus put up a massive road block. It makes me really sad to think about. I put a lot of effort towards it, and the subject matter always was engaging and fascinated me. But good for her.

Hate is a strong word though, and I doubt she really hates you. I will say this, if my partner was hitting a weed pen all day, or drinking all day, or even smoking all day I would be frustrated with them. I wouldn't hate them. I've been there and understand that sometimes that's all that helps, but I would definitely have honest and transparent conversations with them. I would be straight forward and direct with them. I wouldn't beat around the bush. But I understand that takes time to get to that level of communication in a relationship. If you feel it's a problem then talk to her about it. Scale back, a little can go a long way. Overdoing it can make you feel worse. In chemistry there is something known as Le Chatelier's principle. It's about equilibrium. In simple terms as you add or takeaway from a system it will shift in the direction it's most stable. This is very different human emotion but understanding how the chemical world works may give us insight in the spiritual and human world. Hope this helps. Trust me though, I feel you. I hope it gets better