Venting I wish I could just stay miserable

[fowlbandit]

Every time I get ready to CTB i start feeling better for a small period. I hate it. Id rather always be miserable than be like this. I hate it. Its so tiring

 

[Zegers]

That's SI. when ctb is closer SI jumps.

 

[day]

I would practice your method if it's possible to try and lower that SI. I'm sorry things are like this OP I wish you well.

 

[Techef]

I hate that when I start to feel better I procrastinate instead of using that opportunity to prep/practice CTB. I don't have much energy left, and weather affects my physical illnesses more and more.... wishing I had gotten this all set up and been done with it during the brief period of pleasant spring weather. Not sure how I'm going to manage the brutal summer heat that just keeps getting worse.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It looks like this is an early form of SI. I'm sorry I don't know how SI could be overcome easily, sometimes I struggle with that, too. When your time has come you will have the strength to overcome SI. I hope you can find peace!

 

[The anhedonic one]

You start feeling better because of the wonderful relief that getting close to CTB brings.
Or it could be survival instinct kicking in.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound tiring what you have to go through, I understand why you would hate that, to me it's awful how suicide is so difficult in this cruel world and it's like any hope that one experiences is just a delusion to inevitably lead to more suffering