Venting I wish I could have an accident or deadly illness.

[sophrosyne]

It seems so fucked up to say this when so many lives were taken in unintentional ways when they wanted to live. But I feel so guilty knowing that I want to CTB to the people around me and to everyone who wanted to live. The guilt is the biggest hurdle to everything I've ever wanted. I just wish I could die by something other than myself like right now.

 

[sadman710]

Sometimes I try to use so much nicotine and alcohol / drugs every so often when I lower my tolerance in hope that I have a heart attack or pass out in pleasure and never wake up. Never works, but I really don't have the right substances. Alcohol could theoretically work with a bit of kratom added, but if it doesn't the next day or two are pure misery. Cannabis might add to the raspatory depression, but it makes me nauseous and rethink my thoughts, because it is actually a healing substance for me, so I have stopped using it.

I have a chronic illness, your life expectancy is supposed to be lower, but my bloodwork comes back better than a healthy person.

Accident would be tough, I wouldn't want to take a minute risk to hurt anyone else, and the SI people report right before the crash is very intense, most hit their breaks and wind up badly injured.

 

[sophrosyne]

Yeah I know, I wouldn't want anyone else hurt because of me for the accident thing. But I also don't want my mom thinking that she wasn't enough to keep me alive. I just don't want her to know that I'm like this.

 

[Anon7b8]

I think most here would want to be a substitute to someone who has a better will to live but is terminal or have had an accident. Trying to CTB is hard, scary, guilt ridden, and not foolproof enough. Just that i guess when we finally take that step, we'll have the courage or filled with enough despair to not care about anything else.

 

[the_fail_man]

I have always told people I'd rather have cancer than M.E. and people look at me funny or doubt me. Now I'm in a bed. Praying for death daily. But it won't come. Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me.

 

[Unknown21]

But it's your life in the end, u didn't ask to be here, this gives u the right to end it whenever you want regardless anything.

 

[captivebutterfly]

I understand this feeling. I lost a friend to cancer just over a year ago and as fucked up as it sounds I just wished it had been me. That I could trade places with her, give her my healthy body and take her sick one. So that she could live and I could die without guilt or shame.

 

[Ryandrd]

I know that I will be banned from this site shortly, but dude I want you to know that there no such thing called guilt as Charles Manson said, Do Not Follow what you feel instead rationalize you emotions, I get tired from people commiting terrorist attack or suicide without finding a plausible reasons, study some ideologies and your feeling will fade away, don't let ur limbic dominate your neocortex.

 

[Raindancer]

I understand this feeling. I lost a friend to cancer just over a year ago and as fucked up as it sounds I just wished it had been me. That I could trade places with her, give her my healthy body and take her sick one. So that she could live and I could die without guilt or shame.

Same, had a friend with 2 young kids and she wanted to live so badly. I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat. She had the same cancer I did but I am and have been in remission.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also envy those people, they are so fortunate to be free from the futile and torturous burden of existing as a human. I especially envy those who die instant, painless deaths in accidents, they were so lucky not having to struggle in finding a way to die themselves. In my case I only envy those who no longer exist, only non-existence is desirable to me.

 

[iloverachel]

I can so relate to this
The only thing stopping me from CTB is knowing it will devastate my parents, who worked so hard for 30 years to raise me.

Obviously dying by accident or illness would still devastate them, but i wouldn't feel as guilty or like I betrayed them.

It sucks staying in a world you don't want to live in

 

[davidtorez]

I also envy those people, they are so fortunate to be free from the futile and torturous burden of existing as a human. I especially envy those who die instant, painless deaths in accidents, they were so lucky not having to struggle in finding a way to die themselves. In my case I only envy those who no longer exist, only non-existence is desirable to me.

Me too.

 

[iloverachel]

Me too.

Life is utterly horrific

 

[davidtorez]

Life is utterly horrific

Just pushing on until I have my chance to take my N

 

[iloverachel]

Just pushing on until I have my chance to take my N

Gonna miss discussing how much life sucks with you every day

I don't even tell my other friends life sucks

 

[davidtorez]

Gonna miss discussing how much life sucks with you every day

I don't even tell my other friends life sucks

You'll join me in the afterlife if there is one.

 

[strangelife]

The law of Meanness, when you want an incident to happen, it won't happen, and when you want to live, it will happen